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Thread: Personal Entry but I don't care. I need some hope.

  1. #1
    Azarino
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    Thumbs up Personal Entry but I don't care. I need some hope.

    Lost.
    Afraid.
    Alone.
    Nothing.
    Depressed but feels normal now.
    I would say that Iím tired of even going on. I donít know why I feel happy but sadder; than happy.
    I mean I have to remember that the video on the single twenty-year olds. How the response on YouTube was huge. Many are in my position. Although, I feel the majority have better chance than I do. If they donít have any mental illnesses to deal with. I donít want to use it as an excuse but, I am certain it makes everything ten times harder, than it needs to be.
    I hate going out. I hate doing university work. I feel burnt out. I donít even have a part-time job for sake. I just want to watch films and play games. But at the same time, I want to be productive, just the energy isnít there. This placement has put me off more than it shouldíve. I donít think my placement provider knows how much this has affected me. Itís tough enough alone having to put myself out there, and for it to backfire from my Ďidle handsí it has struck a chord. Is there any point in trying? Yes, but I really question what Iím living for. Is it my future employment? No. Is it the possibility of a future relationship with a soulmate? Maybe.
    One thingís for sure. I know that Iím understanding and caring; to an extent. I am easy to avoid getting to know others. I put a wall up, I find itís easier and makes it clearer to who I am. I always need to have time alone; especially as an INFJ. Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging.
    I feel distant from my family, because I cause it. I donít currently feel the need for contact. But my mentality is begging for it. I would like to die but wouldnít, as I wouldnít be able to play future games or watch future movies. But is this enough to keep food on the table? No.
    Everything else depresses me. Iím spoilt. I hate my upbringing. I hate my life. I have no friends. Never had a relationship, and Iím also certain that Iím the biggest loser if my past friends were to see my life.
    My life is the same, same old. I have seen many counsellors; all are rubbish. Freya has been my favourite so far. I donít feel Fiona truly understands my brain. So, she just sits there and listens to whatever I have to say. But it isnít enough. All motivation is gone. Itís awful. This is what causes my idle hands. I would love to snap out of it. I wish, I wish, I wish. I want to meet other like-minded people with the illness. Then hopefully Iím not judged too much. Just the energy to do that isnít here yet. Yes, the only way to get better would be to exercise, get a job and drink water. But, I donít want to do it. Iíd rather feel like crap and be homeless than do that. Itís too much work.
    Anyone else as lame as me?

  2. #2
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. Can I ask how old you are? Have you told your tutor how bad you are feeling? What's the course and the placement? I did teacher training and I know I had better placements than others and I know that a friend of mine hated his so much that he worked out that career wasn't for him so he dropped the teacher training. He's now doing brilliantly working all over the world.
    You mention counselling, did you get that through your Dr? Are you on meds? Oh and you're definitely not "lame"
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome . You need hope? Youíll find it here. Have a wander around the forum and see how many people have come from the depths of despair to a life full of hope
    Come on everybody, join in the QUIZ, I need the competition!

  4. #4
    Azarino
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    Hi and welcome to DWD. Can I ask how old you are? Have you told your tutor how bad you are feeling? What's the course and the placement? I did teacher training and I know I had better placements than others and I know that a friend of mine hated his so much that he worked out that career wasn't for him so he dropped the teacher training. He's now doing brilliantly working all over the world.
    You mention counselling, did you get that through your Dr? Are you on meds? Oh and you're definitely not "lame"
    Course is Computer Science and i'm doing a remote-based placement; working over the internet. I want to pursue my course for future employment but after having this bad experience, with a boss who can't lead and who doesn't understand that i'm still a student, one who can't dedicate all my time to him. It's making this second year a horrible experience. My motivation has dwindled extremely fast after last weeks argument with my placement provider. Now, I don't know what to do except rest as I feel truly burnt out, depressed and stupid for not having gotten better yet mentally after multiple times and years of trying.

    I've been to the GP multiple times and have been told each time to try a new medication. I have been on four (fluoxitine, citalopram, sertraline and mirtazapine) all have never given me any bad side effects, nor have the improved anything.

    I've made it worse for myself by stopping my current medication as I felt it was doing nothing. The support for mental health is very poor in the UK; provided by the NHS.

    Thank you, for the kind responses. I'm just stuck in a rut, I know what I need to do to get out. But, I don't have the energy or want to do that.

  5. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Did you stop your meds at once or gradually decrease? Does your dr know youíve stopped?

    Sometimes it takes a while to get the right combination of meds for you. Youíve tried 4 but thereís a lot of other ADs available to try. Please go back to see your doctor and tell them everything youíve told us here
    Come on everybody, join in the QUIZ, I need the competition!

  6. #6
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    OOO just stopping is likely to make you feel terrible. Do go back and see your GP...
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

  7. #7
    Junior Member TiffanyyO's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paula View Post
    Hi and welcome . You need hope? You’ll find it here. Have a wander around the forum and see how many people have come from the depths of despair to a life full of hope
    ^
    Hey, and welcome. You have come to the right place indeed.
    "Always Smile, Even When It hurts"

  8. #8
    Azarino
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    I’m going to be referred to a psychologist. I haven’t been taking my medication for two months now. My own fault. I really believe they weren’t doing anything for me. I had no bad side effects when I stopped cold turkey.

    I can’t help feeling suicidal, and feeling too weak to commit the death sentence. I’m very isolated; not from family but with friends. If they exist, I haven’t had any friends to hang with for years. Understanding myself as an INFJ has helped. People seem to susoect that I have my own group of friends when they meet me, and so don’t bother to plan anything with me. I dropped out of university a few years back. From my inability to make friends, allow people to like me. I’m just not fun to be around. I don’t like to drink and that was the downfall. Being a quite gay guy is hard. I find it hard to relate to others. People don’t understand me socially. I like to have deep and meaningful conversations.

    I’ve never had a relationship and i’m happy that this isn’t a rare case. I just want to feel I have something to live for. I’m getting through my degree; trying to get the best grades. But right now the motivation for this is fading, as I am struggling to find satisfaction/enjoyment from anything. I have hardly any highs. Just lows and nothing in between.

    If I ask for help i’m told to carry on living. I really don’t see the point sometimes.

  9. #9
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    The thing with anti d's is that they can take between 4 and 8 weeks to get into your system, then the same for each dose - so you could be going through discontinuation symptoms....
    You might not see the point right now, but you can get this and you can be happy. Please go and see your Dr and talk to them about everything or print out your posts to see if that can help you to explain how things really are for you.
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

  10. #10
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    When was the referral done? Any idea how long itíll take?
    Come on everybody, join in the QUIZ, I need the competition!

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