So battling for 25 years on and off and in that time I have had many "normal" years. This year has been hard. Suicide attempt this time last year. Virtually constant thoughts and 1 attempt in the last week. Since Friday when out with a Friend, I have been a complete mess. Crying nearly all day and trying to keep the kids from finding me. Admitted to my wife about the recent attempt. We called the crisis line and I feel okay now. They are calling back in the morning as mornings are always much worse.
In the time I have had this, I have always maintained work and never missed more than a couple of days. I have always regarded work as what has kept me from failing completely. I also have no wish to be at home alone without work, so torn between taking time off and the anguish of returning or pushing on. The lows I have felt this week are way beyond what I have had before.
I honestly do not know what to do. I am scared of myself but almost more scared of waking to another day of mental horror.