Hi. Uhm as ive entered in the intro thread, i got in this site bec of an app called 'Stay Alive' that my roommate recommended. Ive been somehow placed by my psychiatrist under observation to my roommate bec of my increasing suicidal ideations for the past 2 weeks. Ive been diagnosed with persistent/pervasive(?) depressive disorder/dysthymia for 5 or 6 yrs now. Almost had an overdose last week, which i was half aware of bec i generally just wanted my headache and stomache to go away. But yeah, i have been thinking about it despite that. I think the suicidal ideations and all that got triggered by the holidays i (hate it, sorry to people who love it) and my growing non-stop family problems.

Everyone's like, "live! There's still so much to experience! So much to do", "ur still young" (im 26 right now), "u deserve better".

I always just agree with them as i sigh defeatedly. Bec to be honest, i dont see those right now. I dont see anything good in the future. What i only know is i have to provide for my siblings until they finished their education and everything is good and done for me. Im so tired that i am no longer interested in what's to come. Im more eager for all the bad things to end.

It's like for me, after im done with what use they have of me, im done. I dont see myself worthy. I dont really feel it. I am just functioning not bec i want to or i have the drive or vigor to do so, but just because i have to, as of now. Because there are still some people depending on me. Once they can carry out on their own, im done. I dont know.

But im really trying hard to fight. I just placed my medications on my roommate's door upstairs bec im really feeling it right now.

It's somehow a tug of war inside me from diff parts: 1-fighting to live, 2-wanting to die, 3-scared of dying, 4-feeling so depressed, helpess and hopeless, 5-confused and exhausted. I dont really know.

Anyways, thank you so much for reading. I dont intend to trigger anyone or offend anyone. I just want to put these thoughts out so i wont act on them. Thank you again.

legodeercat.