Hi All,

So I've only been aware of this forum for 10 minutes, but needed to find someway of expressing my feelings and reasons for feeling like I do. I'm hoping that I can find some kind of normality and realise that feeling the way I do is normal, but more importantly, how to get to the other side!

Some background - Im Nick, 32 married with an awesome little 15 month yr old dude. I've had a more than stable upbringing, parents not divorced, a great extended family and what I would consider to be happy until around 3 years ago

I've been dealing with various symptoms of depression, I think, probably for the last 10 or so years. It came to a head about 6 month's ago when work/home life 'apparent' stresses mean't I took a trip to the GP following quite a severe panic attack I had prior to going to work one day. My wife was present when this happened, and on her advice (which she had been trying to tell me to sort something for a few years) was put on some anti depressants and was referred to counselling. I eventually took up some private counselling sessions (about 7) over a period of about 4 months and several weeks signed off work. These sessions motivated me to a certain extent to really look within myself and I left each session with a positive outlook. Unfortuantely shorted lived.

I have recently resigned from my career of 10 years as I was not performing/enjoying my work, but was given a 3 month period (paid) as notice. Yet I sit here a month on, feeling lazy, unmotivated, tired, angry, useless and lonely.

It would appear IO have everything a guy would ever want, but the perfect life seems so far away. I have been told I look to much into the future, but that for me is only because I want to make a success of myself, but seem to forget what is right in front of me.

I'm babbling here, mainly for lack of ability to type iot out, but something needs to change. How can I justify to my family my inability to sit around all day, unemployed, applying for a few jobs and just hoping that someone will give me a chance. I havbe no clue what I want to do, or how to save my marriage, or be the best dad I can be

My wife - She is a superstar, the most determined, thoughtful and hardworking mum I could hope for. Yet we sit in silence of an evening until it is time to go to bed, wake up, and it all starts again. Where did it go so wrong? Why can't I tell her how I feel? Why can't it be liked it used to? I blame myself, for being selfish, for being lazy, for taking her for granted and not helping around the house (unless she asks me to) Why do I expect her to stick around when I am like I am.

My son - They say being a Dad is the best feeling in the world, and it is. But why when I have a day off with him tomorrow do I turn it into a negative. He is amazing, but why do I feel like I am not good enough to look after him. We will play, he will be looked after, but after 30 minutes I, yes I will get bored and not put the effort in. He deserves better than that, it's not his faulty I am who I am

My feelings - If I could I would sit around all day hoping that someone will change things for me, I know full well that is not the way to fix this, yet I do it anyway. I've been telling myself for years 'get off your arse and go for a run' yet it never happens. I selfishly want my hard working wife to give me what I want, without giving anything back. She will leave me soon, but I am not motivated to change how I am. I will only realise when it is to late

I feel nothing, no happiness or sadness, just nothing. No desire to speak to my friends or family, no motivation to leave the house, no motivation to find a job, no motivation to fix my marriage. I am lazy, but am I really? I've not always been so maybe not. I am angry, yet I have nothing to be angry about.

Who knows what I am truly looking to find here. But I am at a loss, I hope someone has experienced something similar and that I am not crazy