HI, I'm a middle aged male and I'm on antidepressants and have been told numerous times that I am suffering from depression.

Appologies for the length, but I want to try and explain how my condition affects me.

I also have a few other health issues, I suffer from CFS/ME which sometimes causes things like short term memory loss and other symptoms.

I have many of the classic signs of depression.

I avoid answering the phone, I dislike talking to strangers, even with very good friends, sometimes if I know they are coming around, I really wish they wouldn't.

I cant handle the slightest bit of stress, if I get stressed, I feel physically exhausted and can sleep for hours.

That said, I wouldn't really say I am anxious, I have a sort of "cant be bothered" feeling in my head rather than panicking over talking to them. But if I have to say make a phone call, I almost have to pluck up the courage to do so, but when I eventually force myself to do it, it always goes fine and I don't feel anxious at all when actually on the phone.

What does concern me and I have googled and cant find anything quite like what I experience, is my conscience seems to have a different personality to me.

I'm not hearing voices, it's my conscience, the thoughts I have, just like anyone might think to themselves "hmm what do I do next" or think to themselves "that's an interesting book" it's that voice/conscience.

I am a very very empathetic person, I try to see the best in everybody. I hate it when people refer to drug addicts as druggy scum etc. I don't like it when people talk about the homeless in the same sort of way.

I don't like violence, don't like watching things like boxing or wrestling (although I don't mind a violent action film, I have no problem differentiating between reality and fiction/fantasy)

I also can neither understand or tolerate any form of racism, I simply cannot fathom how someone can dislike someone else because of where they originated from or the colour of their skin etc. It simply does not compute with me.

I'm happily married, and what I'm about to describe next, never ever happens to my wife, kids or friends I've known for years.

Due to the nature of what I'm describing, I'm not going to use the actual words, but hopefully you can understand the problem I'm having.

What I find happening almost all the time (especially if I'm stressed and tired, which is quiet often), is when I have to talk to someone (I try to avoid it at all costs), while part of me is usually thinking "he, she seems a nice friendly person", my thoughts are to say to them in a derogatory way, "why don't you just go away" or if they are a person of different race, my conscience voice is calling them a very derogatory racist name.

And it simply isn't me at all.

Even when I see doctors etc for the first time (it's fine usually when I've got to know them and seen them on multiple occasions) , they might be a pretty lady etc but the thought in my head just wants me to say "god your an ugly ....."

I also think strange things. I premeditate others being rude to me and premeditate my aggressive vocal response (never ever been physically violent in my life)

For example, I might be walking my dog, I see someone in their garden and I imagine them saying to me "I hope your going to clear up after your dog"

and I rehearse the entire way I'm going to be abusive back to them, and how the argument is going to go

me "I hope your not a pedophile"
them "How dare you call me a pedophile"
me "how dare you presume I don't clear up after my dog. If you can make untrue judgments based on zero evidence about me, then I'm going to do the same to you"

and of course I walk past and they either say "morning" or nothing or make a comment on how nice my dog is.

And then I see another person in the distance and another similar scenario takes place in my mind.

It is so far from the reality of what I'm really like.