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Thread: General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

  1. #1
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

    New year, new thread etc etc...

    The New Year generally sees people reflecting on the year just past and making resolutions for the year to come. I don't make resolutions as I find it puts too much pressure on myself to achieve and when I fail, it becomes a stick to beat myself with. I try and take each day as it comes and focus on the good things as and when they happen. Sometimes I have to take the smallest things as a victory, and that's ok. Achievements don't have to be huge to count.

    I have struggled with my mental health for more than a decade now. I have been medicated since I was 22 and have had so much counselling I've lost count. Nothing has helped much. I'm on the 8th different antidepressant and have been told by my gp that if this one doesn't work then they don't know what else they can give me. I have had 4 referrals to the psychiatric team and have been turned away each time as not being ill enough for their help. Somedays it feels like an uphill struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, but despite the huge affect depression is having on my life, I'm not ill enough... makes sense doesn't it! Mood swings and irritability seem to be my normal now.

    2017 has been a difficult year for me. I have been trying to deal with the aftermath of a violent sexual assault, not to mention the after effects of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and the debt that has left me with, and I have had to cope with being more alone then I have ever felt in my whole life.
    I have wanted to give up so many times, I have even planned how I would do it to make sure I inconvenience as few people as possible. I have had to fight the urge to hurt myself more times than I care to admit. On top of this, I have recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and have had to cope with getting that under control while caring full time for my mum.
    I have no friends locally, so have had to deal with most things on my own. I have friends I speak to online, but I'm stubborn and don't tend to lean on them as I don't think it's fair.

    The last few months have really changed things for me though, things have started looking brighter. I feel a lot happier. I reconnected with an old friend from my uni days, and in doing so I found my soulmate. He is there for me to lean on and encourages me no matter what. He sees me for who I really am and accepts me for that, flaws and quirks included. I strengthened my friendships with some very special people, one of whom added me to this group, and I have found incredible support from the admin team and the group.
    I now feel like I can achieve so much more, I just need a bit more support than most people to work my way around my anxiety and the bad days. And I want to carry on making this progress in the New Year.

    I'm aiming to do my Level 1 in Counselling in February, and if successful, to take it further and qualify to be able to help people. I want to be able to help people out of the black hole I have spent most of my adult life in.
    In May I get to go see a band I have loved since my uni days and I am so excited!

    2018 is already looking better and it hasn't even started yet. I will not let this illness break me.
    This is something I posted on a fb depression group I currently admin. It's the most open I have ever been on there, and probably on here for a while too. I don't know, I find it much easier to hide and focus on trying to support others. It's something I need to work on really, it's all too easily to gloss over how I feel and talk about the mundane stuff.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

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  3. #2
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    That's so balanced and so positive. You are amazing.

    I wish you would lean on us/me more though x
    There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret, Or life is your to miss,
    No other road, No other way, No day but today. (Rent. Jonathan Larson)

    Look! I'm walking a marathon in May for the British Heart Foundation!
    Sponsor me if you fancy! No pressure, cheerleaders needed too!

    https://mymarathon18.everydayhero.com/uk/s-shaw

  4. #3
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    I am going to try. It does me no good whatsoever to keep everything locked up in my head.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  5. #4
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    You're right, it doesn't.. You're amazing.
    There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret, Or life is your to miss,
    No other road, No other way, No day but today. (Rent. Jonathan Larson)

    Look! I'm walking a marathon in May for the British Heart Foundation!
    Sponsor me if you fancy! No pressure, cheerleaders needed too!

    https://mymarathon18.everydayhero.com/uk/s-shaw

  6. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaquaia View Post
    I am going to try. It does me no good whatsoever to keep everything locked up in my head.
    So wonderful to hear you say that
    Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

  7. #6
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer but I get there eventually

    Not looking forward to next week.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  8. #7
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Talk us through what's in your head - maybe tonight or tomorrow...
    There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret, Or life is your to miss,
    No other road, No other way, No day but today. (Rent. Jonathan Larson)

    Look! I'm walking a marathon in May for the British Heart Foundation!
    Sponsor me if you fancy! No pressure, cheerleaders needed too!

    https://mymarathon18.everydayhero.com/uk/s-shaw

  9. #8
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Next week is a busy week. I hadn't realised just how busy until just now. On Monday I have a telephone appointment with Kate from Weightwise, followed by my colposcopy. Tuesday I have a doctors appointment. Wednesday I have an appointment with the dietician and Thursday I have counselling. I may have dropped the ball a bit there!
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  10. #9
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Can you have a quiet week this week then, to collate spoons?
    Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

  11. #10
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    I agree with Paula lovely - can you rest now?
    There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret, Or life is your to miss,
    No other road, No other way, No day but today. (Rent. Jonathan Larson)

    Look! I'm walking a marathon in May for the British Heart Foundation!
    Sponsor me if you fancy! No pressure, cheerleaders needed too!

    https://mymarathon18.everydayhero.com/uk/s-shaw

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