Hello - I am new here

It's been a very long time since I last considered professional help but I no longer know where to turn. I've felt miserable for as long as I can remember but at least coped to a degree.

It's all very scary right now; dwelling on stuff incessantly and attempting to curb my thoughts away from nasty things with limited success.

I genuinely feel like I am edging closer to the edge and I don't know what will happen when I get there. The last time things got this bad I opted for an exit strategy and left many people, who I love dearly, terribly hurt and worried. I'd like to think that I wouldn't go that far again, but this time around it's even worse. The worst I've ever felt in my life. Why can't I just function? Why is my brain so corrupted?

I think it's a wise idea to speak to my GP... I know they will likely throw some pills at me but that has never worked. If I truly put across how desperate I am I'm worried that they'll section me and I can't have that

I know things are beginning to turn savage like before as I had to take a break at work and go for a stroll in the freezingness. Anxiety, hopelessness and grief intensified to a state of panic. I start hearing whispers in my head and everything gets fuzzy; static in my ears, my stomach in knots, trembling all over. Deeply unpleasant.

It's a horrible thing to say, let alone feel, but I sincerely hope that I don't wake up tomorrow morning.