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Thread: My introduction + a bit of getting it off my chest

  1. #1

    My introduction + a bit of getting it off my chest

    Hello everyone.

    Nice to find a place to speak freely without being judged.

    Suffered with variable depression from my mid teens - now early 40s.

    Only diagnosed early 30's after a nervous breakdown.

    Blamed my horrible job as the root cause, but now I have a better job that, dare I say I enjoy (or at least don't hate) and things are no better.

    Often felt I have Asperger's, but tests are always negative, as are other spectrum disorders - apparently I'm too self aware and emotionally in tune with others to be ASD, but suffer similar anxieties.

    I'm never able to relax and genuinely enjoy myself or take pleasure from anything. I'm always worried about something, always feeling insecure. Always aware that whatever the 'happy event' I'm supposed to be enjoying is over, I'll be back to the stress, pressure and obligation of real life - that for some reason I cannot cope with very well.

    I always find myself looking at others and asking myself, why can't I be as happy as them? Why are they able to unwind and enjoy the moment? Why are all my smiles forced.

    I detest social events, especially when I'm low. I had to run out of a friend's Christening after party and drive home alone - I simply couldn't cope with being in a room with so many people that might come up and say hello - what would I say - just incredibly awkward and self-conscious.

    The recent Christmas doo at work was the same - half way through I had to escape. Couldn't cope. Everyone else was having fun and enjoying themselves. I long to be able to feel that way. To enjoy life.

    I struggle to look forward to anything and view most things with a can't be bothered, what's the point mentality, even when I know I shouldn't.

    I don't have any (real) friends, nor any social life and my work / family commitments prevent me getting out and about much - the having to make friends with strangers terrifies me.

    I can't abide insincerity or small talk and very quickly run out of things to say and then become crushingly self-conscious about awkward silences - I make excuses and run away.

    At my worst, I just want to stay in bed all day under the covers in my own protected world. On better days I can function relatively normally, but have a very low coping threshold and it only takes a very small issue or problem to tip me over the edge and into despair. It's as if I'm living on a knife edge of bad nerves in tatters.

    I have to psych myself up to the max just to be able to perform simple tasks such as washing the car, however if I can't find my wash mitt or the car shampoo, or the fuse blows in the pressure washer, that's it I throw in the towel, can't cope and just want to burst into tears along with mind searing frustration.

    I feel desperate, hopeless, angry, frustrated, helpless and permanently exhausted - all underpinned with this black energy soaking invisible blanket that cloaks me that I cannot shift.

    However it only takes a glimmer of hope, a spark of good news, or a very small thing and then suddenly I'm the life and soul of the party and making everyone laugh - it doesn't last though and within an hour or so I'm under the cloud again. It's as if I get a sudden burst of optimism - a fleeting glimpse of being normal, but then it's gone and it can be days or weeks before I get it back again.

    So far I've been on Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Mirtazapine, Venlafaxine and Sertraline. Fluoxetine was the best all rounder, but sexual dysfunction took away the one thing in life I was able to enjoy and something that is far too important to me to sacrifice.

    I have a psych referral appointment due in the near future.

    Sorry to vent.

  2. #2
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I'm glad you can see this as a safe place. We don't judge here.

    I'm glad you have that psych referral.

  3. #3
    Welcome .... i find unloading on here kinda helps .... but have similar feelings to you in terms of social.... hope you find your way.
    We're safe ... non-judging

  4. #4
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Well done for getting the psych referral sorted - the difference I found was the my pdoc could diagnose combinations of meds that my GP couldnít. I suffer from depression and social anxiety and could very easily have written that post from you. Iím naturally an extrovert but it seems like a switch goes off in my head and I canít cope with people any more.

    Edit: of course that meant seeing a psychiatrist. A psychologist deals more with talking therapies whereas a psychiatrist deals with medication
    Last edited by Paula; 12-12-17 at 04:34 PM.
    Come on everybody, join in the QUIZ, I need the competition!

  5. #5
    And here's the crazy thing.... I work in sales and present complex corporate solutions at board level. When I'm the expert in the room, when I know my stuff, when I'm adding value and made to feel welcome, I can stand up and deliver a speech and actually enjoy doing it - I get a kick out of it, the adrenaline - I feel I'm being really brave, standing up to my fears, overcoming them and doing so successfully....

    ...yet the concept of answering the door to a small group of 8 year old 'trick or treaters' terrifies me. I'd hate a surprise party being organised for me (not that I know enough people). I'm always scanning for threats, looking for escape routes and scared of embarrassing myself or saying the wrong thing. One on one with peers or colleagues, I'm fine, but a party, social gathering or similar, I' a total wreck.

    The concept of fame, recognition, being the centre of attention etc holds no fear and I guess would be attractive, yet I can't walk into a car showroom and look at a car for fear of being approached by a sales person!

    Extrovert? Introvert? Or PTSD?

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Ovalbug View Post
    And here's the crazy thing.... I work in sales and present complex corporate solutions at board level. When I'm the expert in the room, when I know my stuff, when I'm adding value and made to feel welcome, I can stand up and deliver a speech and actually enjoy doing it - I get a kick out of it, the adrenaline - I feel I'm being really brave, standing up to my fears, overcoming them and doing so successfully....

    ...yet the concept of answering the door to a small group of 8 year old 'trick or treaters' terrifies me. I'd hate a surprise party being organised for me (not that I know enough people). I'm always scanning for threats, looking for escape routes and scared of embarrassing myself or saying the wrong thing. One on one with peers or colleagues, I'm fine, but a party, social gathering or similar, I' a total wreck.

    The concept of fame, recognition, being the centre of attention etc holds no fear and I guess would be attractive, yet I can't walk into a car showroom and look at a car for fear of being approached by a sales person!

    Extrovert? Introvert? Or PTSD?
    Hi --- i'm EXACTLY the same .... i present technical presentations for conferences and have to discuss analysis to C-level's in large multi-nationals and that's all fine....
    But yeah ... put me in a group of unknowns in a party or some 'social' or similar and i'm no-where....

    I am a completely different person at work vs anywhere else ..... i'm on a training course and i've been fine with them all week but tomorrow we're meant to go out for a 'group meal' and i'm absolutely dreading it ..... i just don't wanna go .... it is very very strange and i've not understood it yet.... not sure i will....

    Hope you find answers

  7. #7
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Sounds like it could be good old anxiety with social phobia kind of area - I only say that as my lovely husband is the same and he's having intensive therapy to work through it.

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