I'm kinda feeling really alone right now ....
I really am nervous at posting much on social media anyway cos i don't want work people to know how much i'm suffering .... feel it would somehow compromise my position

But i tentatively started sharing some posts that'd had been up for awarenss and other stories ..... just to see if anyone reacted...

Then my mom was rushed to hospital a couple of weeks ago with a blood clot ... she was in there for a few days and has been pretty much on thorough rest since ... so the days she normally looks after our daughter after school hasn't been possible, neither have sleepovers for the kids which they really enjoy.

Anyway - one of the posts i'd shared was a story about someone who feels suicidal but doesn't want to die.... which is kinda how i feel.

My dad told me on the way to the hospital that sharing that post "had scared them both half to death", especially my mom, and that post had been a day before her clot .....
So now i'm feeling like i made her feel worse.... now i feel like i can't even post anything .... that i can't talk to them cos my mom's now more fragile than before.....

I can't talk to my wife about this because she's becoming more a part of the problem ..... and the one person i'd been reaching out to recently has drifted away

Worse, my feelings are getting more that i just don't wanna live like this anymore.... just when i think things might be easing or changing - something else throws a curve ball

Yes i know this week has been especially bad as i've been off work ill and in pain because of it ..... but i feel more that the darkness is closing in and isolating me more than even before .... feels like leaving everything behind isn't the worst option anymore

Can't get referred to counselling cos i'm on a 3 month 'cool down' now w/ nhs