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Thread: Realisation

  1. #1

    Realisation

    Hi all,

    I'm new here, don't really know where to start. Not sure if this will help me, but guess it gets things off my chest.. Not sure if I have depression, or if im in denial and to stubborn to admit that I'm not as strong as I thought?? Not that I see someone with depression as weak but, I've just always been that person who gets on with things. I hate to play the "up bringing card" but let me paint the picture.

    I have 3 older brothers and a loving farther and mother. Until I am 9 months old and my birth mother committs suicide by hanging... Not long after my mother's death (6 months) my farther gets into a relationship with a close friend of my mothers (who also had 1 older daughter, I now had a sister) they got serious very quickly moved in and both turned to herion and became addicts quickly, they became dealers and that was us for a couple of years...
    I always felt loved but I seen things a child should never see, like how to smoke herion, dealing herion, stealing from shops in bulks, being the distraction so they could get out the shop with the goods, I could write all day. I wanted for nothing, I was watered, fed and clothed. But when I was 6 years old I was taken into care, along with my 3 older brothers, my step sister was 18 at this point so they didn't take her.. I wouldn't describe my time in care as pleasant but I didn't have the worst experience, I was eventually split from my brothers when we moved out the group home into individual foster placements, so the obvious happened and my relationship and bond with my brothers broke down.. We had supervised contact together on a monthly basis, and then again with dad on a different occasion but that wasn't enough to keep that bond as growing individuals. Dad remained an addict throughout his years despite his efforts to hide it from us, it was clear... Anyhow I settled in foster placement for 4 years I was doing well, my foster parents was getting old and at a review the opportunity arose for me to be fostered by my step sister (dad's partners daughter) I was 13 years old happy and doing very well at my foster parents but the ball got rolling and before I knew it I was at my step sister house (basically back home) dad and the step mum was about everyday, smoking their drugs, doing want they seen as the norm. I turned a blind eye to this and lead my own life, I went to college, continued to receive help from social services throughout my time at my step sisters and at 18 I got help to get my own place. I started work and concentrated on that.. My family said they was proud of me, I was the only one who had a job. Only one who got up in the morning to do something legal and productive with my day they saw me as the 'gem' of the family (more like outcast/snob) .. My dad developed a lung disease, but continued to smoke herion, also an alcoholic at this point, he passed away in 2011. My step mother also having health issues passed away 3 months later through a heamearge.. I loved them to pieces and miss them ever so dearly. But I felt a sense of relief, I felt I could be my own person now. Since them passing, I just work and that is all I ever do. I come home to my partner and dogs live my life.. But I now I don't feel myself, I went to my doctor last year and spilled my heart out, he patronised me and tried to give me tablets and suggested a baby was missing from my life?? I did not take his advise or tablets.. My feelings was pushed aside and I put my game face on and got on with it. But all of a sudden I'm feeling again like I've nothing left? Like I want to give up on building something for it to just fall down, like there's no point to it all. I dont want to go to work anymore. I dont recognise these feelings and don't know what to do with them. I dont speak about my feelings, I never have. My partner has no idea I feel this way. I feel this will be to hard to say out loud. Or even if I have the confidence to admit defeat? Any advice would be great. Definitely starting with a new doctor!

  2. #2
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. You've been through so many horrible things that you shouldn't have had to...
    Can you print out the post from here and hand it to your Dr and to your Partner?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #3
    Hi Suzi,

    I have seen that is an option, I just can't bring myself to do it. I felt so much better after posting that last night. Just writing it down helped. I thought of getting a diary and writing down what I am feeling but I am petrified my partner will see it and will think I'm loosing it!

  4. #4
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
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    Jane Austen country
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    Hi and welcome
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Paula For This Useful Post:

    Dazzler (14-10-17)

  6. #5
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    63,015
    Talk to your partner - I am sure she has noticed that you aren't doing well atm, and I know when my husband actually started talking about what was going on for him it made everything easier to deal with because it was so much better than what had been going through my head....
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Suzi For This Useful Post:

    Dazzler (14-10-17)

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