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Thread: i feel hopelss (a very long post, pls dont judge)

  1. #1

    i feel hopelss (a very long post, pls dont judge)

    Hi,
    I am new here. I posted some time last year. I don't know if I should post this but everything is becoming too much to bare right now. The reason for why im feeling like this may sound ridiculous to some or to all. I feel ashamed that I feel this way but I can't help it. I don’t know how I got here or when my life turned so ugly or when I became this weak but here I am. The issue is that I don’t feel normal. It all begins from last year. As an Asian girl, I have always been hairy but from some reason I was hairier than my sister and my mum. The hair that bothered me the most was on my face. I used to bleach it once a month and life was fine-ish. Until one day, I don’t know why or maybe it was my low self-esteem that lead me to believe that I was abnormal and that I had to remove this hair from my cheeks and chin. So, I looked at home remedies and tried this one with an egg yolk, corn flour and sugar. It was like a sticky face mask that dried on your face and allowed to rip the hairs out. The first time I tried it, it worked wonders. I was so happy, blissfully unaware of its side effects. Four/ five months later I noticed that the hairs on my right cheeks, (where I mainly did the pulling) were longer, darker and pointer. Another blow to my already low self-esteem and non-existent confidence. I truly truly started to believe and look ugly. So, I looked up face waxing and went to the salon. Now only a couple of hairs on my right cheek were the problem and I wanted the lady to somehow remove them without touching the other hairs. But when they examined my face they were like “you should get your whole face waxed because you have a lot of hair and if I did one side it would look uneven.” So, with tears in my eyes and desperateness for temporary peace I gave in and they waxed my whole face. BIG MISTAKE. I went there three more times before deciding to stop because it was making my hairs thicker. Another mistake, another regret. I felt more and more guilty, more depressed. Now I had to find another solution. Laser hair removal. I spent days and nights researching it and decided to get it done, despite hearing some negative things. I had to let my hair grow for four weeks for laser and it was the worst period of my life. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror, couldn’t face anyone. Thank god it was during July so it was holidays and I didn’t have to go college. I got my first laser session on 28th July. It hurt like hell. I got spots afterwards but they all faded. I had spent the last four weeks hating myself and being negative. Everyone tried to cheer me up so I decided to think positively for once. Cut to the chase now, I have had three laser sessions on my face, the third one being on the 30th September- quite recent. The laser works…for a couple weeks but then all the hair comes back. This time round the laser has been different and I didn’t do the hair on my cheekbones (yes I have hair there, im that disgusting). This time the hair on my cheeks has also fallen out which is a good thing but I know it will all come back, hopefully not thicker, but lighter and finer, please God. I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life, going back and forth through laser session and touch ups. But what if that’s the only option? I see every other girl and woman and think to myself that they don’t have to do this. They have perfectly fine faces. Im the odd one out. Im only 19. If I start this now what will happen to me in five years, or even one years’ time?
    I don’t want to go through this. I want to have a normal life and look like a normal girl. Everyone keeps telling me that I am normal but I just want to go back to when this wasn’t such a problem and when I didn’t get myself into this huge mess. Back when my hair was finer and could be bleached. I want to go back to normal. I know I sound insane. There are worse things in life and I’ve been through them but I have never felt this desperate. I know I should grow up. Everyone’s sick of me and think im weak for letting this affect me. In fact, I am weak and im so sorry if I sound ungrateful or ignorant. I am still very grateful of the life I have and I know my problem may not even be classed as a problem to some but its taking a mental toll on me. I just want to go back to how my life was before I started messing with my perfectly fine face because of my low self-esteem. Every day I beat myself over it and think what if laser is the wrong option too? I can’t focus on anything else except how to fix this problem. I feel so depressed and when I look at other girls and teenagers getting on with their life and having fun it just makes me realise how I'm wasting mine and thus begins mind torture and self-hatred. i dont want to make another bad decision. I'm scared.
    I want to be ok again.

  2. #2
    I understand why you would feel depressed but there is no need to. Have you been to your doctor to see if he can refer you to a specialist?
    it would be better to do that than try home remedies that normally don't work. Better a moments embarrasement than a life time of feeling embarrassed.
    Is there not a support group you could join or start to get some support? maybe try through your mosque if you go? I hope you do go and see your G.P. as I think it is the first step forward.

    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

  3. #3
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi lovely, welcome back.
    I know full well when you are aware of something then it kind of becomes the biggest thing - such as if you know you have a spot, then you are sure it's the size of a volcano and the first thing everyone notices - because you're aware of it - when actually it's tiny and no one notices it - could that be similar with your facial hair?
    I don't think you're weak at all. I think it takes guts to be that open and honest. What about speaking to your GP?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  4. #4
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    We all have things about our bodies that we are self conscious of and especially during our teens. In that you are perfectly normal. I don’t think that getting rid of the hair is the biggest problem. Learning to live with it and accepting it is a part of you is more important. As Suzi says your perception is possibly warped and not something that others who know you are especially bothered about. They will love you for who you are not what you look like. It’s definitely worth getting it touch with your doctor and maybe getting psychological support as well as a possible solution to the physical issue.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  5. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hey sweetheart, big hugs . Anything that makes you feel like this is important and this doesn’t sound ridiculous to me. I have 2 daughters around your age and I know the pressure that’s put on your generation to be ‘perfect’ - far more so than any generation before yours. I look at my eldest daughter who’s spent an hour doing her make up yet doesn’t see how beautiful she is, with or without makeup, because society/tv/youtube tells her she has to have flawless skin.

    That being said, I have a problem with excess, dark hairs and have struggled to deal with my facial hair since I was 16 and my boyfriend pointed it out to me. With lots and lots of trial and error, Ive found that a facial epilator has been the most effective way to get rid of them. After keeping up with it for about a year, I now spend just a couple of minutes each day dealing with the hairs. It used to take me at least half an hour.
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  6. #6
    i am scared to go to the GP as i don't want to be in their records as a mental health patient or depressed.

  7. #7
    hi, thank you so much for your reply, its good to know that i'm not alone. what epilator do you use? does it make your hair come back thicker and where do you use it?

  8. #8
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faded View Post
    hi, thank you so much for your reply, its good to know that i'm not alone. what epilator do you use? does it make your hair come back thicker and where do you use it?
    Braun, no it hardly comes back at all now and I use it on my chin and eyebrows

    Quote Originally Posted by Faded View Post
    i am scared to go to the GP as i don't want to be in their records as a mental health patient or depressed.
    Sweetie, at least 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems. You’re not alone in this, your doctor will see it every day of their working lives and it is nothing to be ashamed of. If you don’t talk to your gp, you won’t be able to get the help you need to beat this - medication, counselling, CBT or a mix
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  9. #9
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Sweetheart, please don't be put off from seeing your GP. It's really important and I promise you that you wont have been the first or the last person who they have seen due to struggling with their mental health.
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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