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Thread: I don't know who I am right now

  1. #1
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    I don't know who I am right now

    Hello

    I was diagnosed with depression at 18. I've been on and off medication since then (I'm 26 now) and seen a number of counsellors.

    I currently have a psychotherapist who is absolutely amazing! I only see her 2-3 times a year as I generally have things under control.

    I'm hugely ashamed to admit this but I haven't been taken my medication for a couple of months and things have been absolutely normal. That is, until the last week or two. I'm only prescribed 10mg Citalopram per day which isn't a lot in relation to what else is out there, but I can't believe how much of a difference it is making right now.

    I decided to attempt to write down what I've been feeling these last couple of weeks to try get some of it out of my head. I even thought about trying to do it weekly and making a blog! But, oddly enough, that is a bit of an alarm bell for me as I tend to get very impulsive when I'm going through an 'episode'. Although I do think it would be a good idea if I could get my head right first.

    So, instead of blogging what I'd written I Googled "depression forum" and found this place, because I really want to share this. Not because it's good (I'm no writer) but because I want someone to know how I feel. I usually share a lot with my other half but I think this might be bit upsetting for him, even though it has nothing to do with him.

    Here is what I wrote:

    The perfectly imperfect life. Is there really such a thing?

    It seems that, now the whole world has accepted that there is no perfect life, they are all searching for the perfect IMPERFECT life.

    Iíve spent the last 3 weeks listening to Catfish & The Bottlemen in my car. Thatís on the way to and from work every dayÖ about 5 / 6 hours a week, plus any other time I go for a drive. I love them but they seem to glorify a perfect imperfect life too. Just like everyone else.

    For example, the lyric ďNarcissistic but f*** it Iím calling. I need to know youíre alright.Ē

    I mean yes, it is brilliant writing but for a start, narcissism is a serious issue that can ruin people who must live with narcissists. Myself being one of those who goes through some serious emotional sh** due to narcissistic parents.

    Another; ďI fell straight into your arms like a drunk whoís been on it all morning. And the sunís up and my headís f***ed.Ē

    This is clearly a love song but instead of the old ĎI love you and you love me and youíre perfect and beautiful, etc.í stuff you used to get, itís about being drunk together.

    Now, this isnít about C&TB at all Ė I LOVE them and would advise anyone to go see them live. They are AMAZING.

    This is about; what is the right way to live? Is there even such a thing?

    Iím in a sturdy 5+ year relationship. Weíve bought our first house this year, we have pets together, weíre both as ready as you can be to have kids and weíve talked about getting married.

    BUT, we donít go out on the weekends. We donít drink. We donít have many friends. We have no mutual friends. Regardless of all that, we are unbelievably comfortable with each other and generally happy.

    But I still have this continually feeling in my gut that Iím not living the right life.

    I feel like the life I want is a low-end fairytale. Staying out late at the weekends and walking home in the street light. Scrimping every last penny together to got to out for a drink. Flirting, laughing, smoking, having fun.

    I donít have any friends that would want the same thing. I live a £10 taxi away from Bradford (one way!)

    The thing is, I couldnít tell you why. Other than it being the life a lot of my family seem to have. So, it could be my inner self thinking that I should be like the rest of them.

    To try make myself feel a bit better about my life, Iím looking for a new job because Iím bored where I am, and Iíll be starting a degree course in October in psychology which is what Iíve always wanted to do.

    But I still donít feel right, and I donít know why.


    I wanted to try emphasize that, for some reason, I keep thinking my life should be different. It should be less than what it is but enjoyable. Like, I should lower my expectations and my goals and just be happy being a 9 to 5 worker and boozing at the weekend. I shouldn't yet have this level of relationship, I should be "having fun".

    The life I'm living is the wrong one.

    I'm not going to get another chance so what am I doing?!

    I don't know what to think or what to do.

    I think I'm doing what's right but it doesn't feel right.

    I also wanted to open a debate of a thought I had; is it just me or has society made us crave an perfect imperfect life? Like, we all have issues and drama but that's normal now so that's what is right...?

    If anyone out there has actually got this far down, thank you for taking the time to read this. Have you ever felt this way, or similar?
    Last edited by Paula; 03-09-17 at 10:24 PM. Reason: Changed colour to non admin/mod colours

  2. #2
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome.
    For what it's worth I think everyone stops and thinks "what it?" many times. I know my life isn't anything like I ever pictured it, and yes there are things that I'd like to change and I am changing bit by bit, but the main elements still make me happy.
    I love my home, I adore my children and I love my husband and our dogs.. We don't have much (if anything really) of a social life, or money but those aren't the most important things as far as I'm concerned... Don't throw the good away to go out and get drunk at the weekend....
    ďYou can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.Ē
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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    Hlao-roo (04-09-17)

  4. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. First off, our moderators colours are green and admin colours red so I've changed your highlighted text to blue to avoid any confusion

    I'm sorry hunni but, in my experience, there is no low-end fairytale. Those that are living that life are generally looking for the life you have. Most people want someone they have that level of relationship with and would give everything to have the relationship you have. So why are you fantasising about pulling away? We all get bored and think the grass is so much greener over there but it isn't. It's just different, with its own pitfalls, highs and lows.

    However, you're young and maybe you should talk to your partner about how you can change what you both do, together and separately, to bring some joy and excitement into your lives. You don't have kids, it sounds like you really love each other and you're at that time in your life where there's so many opportunities for you. Go and find them!
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Paula For This Useful Post:

    Hlao-roo (04-09-17)

  6. #4
    Hero Member OldMike's Avatar
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    Hi I think we often believe the other man's/woman's grass is greener but in reality it often isn't. I'd love to share my life with someone rather than be alone. I do have lunches with my sister and go out for lunches to pubs (on my own), I play bridge at a local club (U3A) and go to the over 60's luncheon club on a Wednesday. You've just got to be thankful for what you've got rather than crave for what you've not got (if that makes sense).
    70 and counting, less of the "Old" call me "Mike"

  7. #5
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    Thanks for taking the time to reply Suzi

    I know I can't stop thinking about how my life could be so much more fun at the minute. But then I'll go on a night out and think "Gosh, I'm glad I don't do that too often!"

    I just can't win with myself at the moment.

    Hi Paula! Sorry about the colour... I just like green haha

    No, I know there isn't really. I don't know what my mind is thinking right now and it's so frustrating!

    I know everyone has highs and lows in life and I think I'm just in a bit of a rut at the minute... I need something new or a change or something.

    My partner and I have spoken about what we can do to liven up our lives recently; this was the same advice given by my therapist! We're going go-karting this weekend haha just for something different to do, and he's looking into archery for us to do once a month or something We've been once and both loved it! We've been trying to find a yoga class too... that's proving more difficult than I thought!

    Thank you so much for replying

    Hi Mike thank you for your reply

    Yeah, I think you're right. And I think a lot of people go thru periods of thinking "that person has it better than me"

    I think I just need a change or something new... hopefully when my course starts I'll feel a bit more worthwhile, and will get a new job soon, fingers crossed!

    I think there's always going to be something we feel we're missing, but I just need to take a step back and think what I already have
    Last edited by Suzi; 04-09-17 at 09:40 PM. Reason: Merging multiple posts minutes apart into the same post! Please stop double posting!

  8. #6
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    I've merged your posts into one post as it makes it easier to follow

    I think the most important thing you can do is to keep talking to her..
    ďYou can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.Ē
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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