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Thread: Amaya

  1. #1
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    Amaya

    Good evening everyone

    Tonight I am resolving to try to keep my focus on things that will help to bring my recovery and to learn how not to be derailed from that goal by all the hinderances that are constantly thrown up by the world, my illness, other people etc etc. I know that it is possible to get better and I want whatever energy I have to be used for that goal.

    I have so much to be grateful for, and whilst I know that I have to stay aware of my painful emotions and let myself feel them.. I need to bring my focus back to what is working, what is going well, how much support I do have in my life and what my reason is for pushing onwards.

    Quote Originally Posted by magie06 View Post
    Amaya do you keep a diary? You are so well able to say what you are feeling and put it down here. If you kept a diary now, when you are well you could put it into a book about your experience. It may even benefit others who go through the same thing.
    I used to do this. In one form or another I have kept diaries, written essays, written creatively.. on and off for my of my life. But it hasn't resolved itself into anything concrete or routine that could be easily used in the future that way. It is an idea I had myself years ago and to be honest I think that I am struggling too much at the moment to manage it regularly, it would be something else that to put pressure on myself about and I don't need that. Also my experience of writing is that you can do way too much preparation that isn't relevant. If I ever have an opportunity to write a book about these experiences or an article, I will be better waiting for the moment and then just doing it then. Otherwise I will have piles and piles of irrelevant ramblings to sift through and chances are that would stop me from actually doing it haha. I already have a room full of papers with everything from maths to religion to politics to personal experiences to poetry and ideas for novels. Most of it I am going to burn when I can get the energy together to check through it for certificates first. But thank you for the suggestion, I like the idea for another day, maybe haha

    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    I think you are working so hard on getting well. I think you deserve to have everything you wanted - because of how hard you are trying. You know, as well as I do that with each good day the bad ones seem worse. You are accepting the emotions, you are facing the fear head on and you have managed to stop yourself from hitting full on crisis. You are AWESOME.
    Thank you but I did not stop myself from being in a crisis. I couldn't. I did everything I knew to focus on the positives and somehow I was just too tired. Just too frightened of the future not working out. And I had put way too much pressure on myself to behave in a relaxed way and I couldn't anymore. First it was tears and then tics and eventually I lost all control. When I tried to speak real words wouldn't come out, just weird sounds. Sometime this afternoon I started doing a little better. And then my period started and it was like a fog lifted and the evening has been much better since even though I am still feeling very sensitive. So I guess that means PMS also has a fairly large role to play in this.

    The news about not being able to have that treatment has hit me pretty hard this week. It was a blow I could have done without. But on Monday I will see the nurse and we will look through all the options together. She has promised not to let me down or stop seeing me until I have some treatment in place. Whether that is with her company or another. I trust her and I am hurting real bad over this but I am doing my best to focus on that trust.

    I have also decided that I do not want it to interupt my progress with my life. So if I have to wait a long time for the right treatment, then I also want some treatment in the interim. Something that can help me manage and build my life back now. I don't want to keep living from hour to hour like this. My quality of life is not good and all that I want is on hold whilst I swing from crisis to crisis. I am having more good days but I still want more out of life and I don't want to wait to have it. Weeks is understandable. Months is nightmarish. Years is not feasible. So I am going to push for something that will help now.

    On Monday I will also talk to the nurse about this latest crisis and how it happened and what I can do to prevent it next time because it really frightened me.

  2. #2
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    I couldn't sleep until really late so I set my alarm for 12 and hoped to sleep through, but I wake up early automatically and so I've been awake for a while. I am exhausted and I want some extra sleep but I am noticing that my anxiety is still present in large enough amounts that I don't want to risk it because I tend to get way more nightmares when I sleep in the day and just now I would rather be exhausted than trigger another episode.

    My whole body is aching so I think I will be not doing very much today. I already cancelled the plans I had and now I managed to get breakfast and put a wash on, back in bed where it is warmer. I am hoping to sleep well tonight. Right now I am going to stop myself from thinking with Netflix and knitting.

  3. #3
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    My anxiety is so bad today. I feel it in my chest constantly. If I don't allow myself any thoughts for a moment and just focus on bodily sensations.. this emotion makes me feel as bad as a real serious flu infection, but obviously not the same feeling, but the same degree of feeling. Not a little cold, but the full flu effect. The symptoms are dizziness, shortness of breath, a pressing feeling my my chest that makes me feel I am sinking into myself and sick in my gut. (I am feeling all sorts of other uncomfortable things but that comes from the tics and the muscle problems and the time of the month not the anxiety and those I can deal with today.)

    The episode I had from Friday to Saturday has really knocked my confidence in my recovery. I feel really shaken up and tearful. People say you get better in small steps and that sometimes you take one back and then two forwards. But it feels like I spent three months taking steps forwards and in one day went back, not the whole way, but almost. This illness mean I can't trust myself not to lose it at the wrong time. It attacks me and stops me from being who I want.

    This is what I think:
    I have people I can trust who care about me.
    This will be the hardest time of my life, but one day it will be better.
    I can get my life and everything I care about back the way it can be and it will be awesome.
    At some point I will manage to find the right treatment.
    I will have a complete recovery from BPD, PTSD, anxiety and depression.

    My body and emotions are screaming the opposite at me and I am getting very tired from trying to stay strong. It doesn't seem to matter how positive I think, or what I choose to focus on, these feelings come through my body and I cannot stop crying. I want a hug.

  4. #4
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    Keep on fighting kid, it can and will get better, virtual hugs, wish I was closer to give you a real one..
    I know my limits....I don't pay attention to them, but I know them!


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    Amaya (20-08-17)

  6. #5
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    Me too. I like hugs.
    Thank you

  7. #6
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    I just called the crisis line again. Sometimes I think they will get fed up of me but it was the same guy I spoke to yesterday and he was very kind. He was also way more helpful than yesterday with suggesting how to get my focus back on feeling a little better. I'm not giving up ever. But I am getting really tired of fighting with myself. I can't wait to have the conversation with the nurse tomorrow because I hope then I can see a clearer way forwards. Right now I think I need to find something to focus on in the here and now that I can enjoy. I'm sure the anxiety will keep trying to take over, but I will push on doing something anyway that I would normally enjoy to see if it helps. I hope I can manage it now.

  8. #7
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    You CAN do this...
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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    Amaya (20-08-17)

  10. #8
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    The hugs are helping..

  11. #9
    Hero Member OldMike's Avatar
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    A big hug from me and Mr Bear to you Amaya.
    70 and counting, less of the "Old" call me "Mike"

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    Amaya (20-08-17)

  13. #10
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    The bear that is already ready for bed haha

    I am feeling a little better, I have done a tiny bit of housework and hung the wash out and put another on to go to make myself get up later. It is funny how doing such tiny things can lift your mood. But my body can't hack it for long today so now I am back to the Netflix for a while

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