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Thread: Hi, newcomer here.

  1. #1

    Hi, newcomer here.

    Hi, 49 year old single man from the UK here. Never married, no kids, come from a small family with elderly mother and a sister with her family close by whilst dad died 17 years ago.

    Not quite sure why I have come on here because I am not sure if I am depressed or just "can't be bothered" with anything,. Have had a few health issues over the last couple of years including severe and debilitating vertigo, insomnia and mild sleep apnoea along with (controlled at the moment) type 2 diabetes and arthritic hips which cause me a fair amount of discomfort right now. Fortunately the vertigo has improved a bit but I am finding it difficult to find work again after being made redundant just a couple of months before the vertigo kicked in and then obviously being unwell for over a year.

    To be honest though I kind of dread going back to work as I have never done anything I like anyway and over the last couple of years, and this may sound strange, I don't really like being around people, bar my family and a few close friends and my ex who I see once in a while for a day out or a meal. We were together for 10 years but lived separately so I guess eventually she must have got fed up waiting to get married or something although when we did try on occasions to live together it never quite worked out. Probably living on my own for so many years just got to be too much of a habit!! So my fault really I probably could have done more.

    So in the last few years I have just got more and more reclusive. Friends ask me to go out but I'll make up some excuse because I am quite happy sitting at home watching TV or a film. The only time I do venture out is to play golf which I thoroughly enjoy and that probably keeps me sane in many ways.

    Last year my GP said I had mild depression and I had an online chat thing with a counsellor for 6 weeks or so but to be honest I found it all a bit tedious. I'm not one for all this cognitive therapy and thinking about your feelings.

    I am just so tired although that could be partly due to the sleep issues I have. But it's a real "can't be bothered" tired and that's generally my life and I am almost (and this will sound a bit odd) just waiting around to pop my clogs! I just have so many regrets and should have done this or that and feel generally a failure on so many levels and basically my mojo has gone and coming so close to 50 I just think what a waste of a life,.

    So I am really not sure if I am depressed or some middle aged crisis has hit but probably the best way to describe it is that the wind has come out of my sails.

    Apologies for ranting on but I just can't seem to say this to family and friends,. Thank you for listening.

  2. #2
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. Have you been back to see your GP about how you are feeling?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome . There's no need to apologise for telling us these things - you're not ranting at all . Sorry for being blunt but are you still in love with your ex?
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  4. #4
    Hi Suzi and Paula thank you for replying. Suzi no I haven't been back to the GP as I have had so many visits and tests etc for my vertigo, sleep apnoea and hips over the last couple of years I suspect another visit would put me on the hypochondriac list (if I am not already!!) As I said the last time I went about my "mood" I just was given this online course with a counsellor and it wasn't what I expected. For some reason I thought I would end up on a couch, feet up, explaining my woes away to some bloke sitting in a leather chair tapping his chin with a pen!!!

    Paula thanks for being blunt! God I honestly have no idea. Funny thing is we never actually officially split up. One night about two years ago she just texted saying she was happier on her own and due to my illness being quite bad at that point I just thought "ok fine, no problem" so we never talked about it. Then as time has gone on we just meet up once in a while pretty much as friends and our old relationship woes are never mentioned. She didn't open up much and I don't either so not exactly ideal for a two way feelings discussion!! Yes I probably loved her but was I "in love"? I've probably only been head over heels once and that was about 15 years ago with someone else and she didn't feel the same so I probably mentally decided not to get that deep again. Even though I appear not to be I am probably happier on my own. I'm fairly selfish in many ways and just prefer my own company these days but in turn obviously that makes me a bit of a recluse.

  5. #5
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    It's amazing that's the view the majority of people have of therapy and it just isn't always like that. Doesn't mean it isn't worth trying to give it your all though. Sorry the online stuff didn't work out for you - but I would really suggest going back and seeing your Dr and telling them that.
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  6. #6
    Hero Member
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    Hi and welcome from me too

    Here is a link you might find interesting:
    http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-...wellbeing.aspx

    Perhaps you do have depression and need to go back to the doctor to get some more appropriate support. But if it is only mild there may be preventative things you can do with your life now to move through it and recover now before it becomes a problem. And that is what I put the link there for. I did a course on the five ways to wellbeing with a Mind (the mental health charity) group before I moved to Holland and it was great. Maybe there is a course local to you, if not there is plenty of information and ideas online to try for yourself.

    Depression is actually a physical illness, even though the effect are very much felt through an emotional experience. If there are not underlying mental issues that need to be addressed then lots of things you can do for yourself have the potential to give a recovery. Such as regularly walking. But it is good to check in with the doctor too

  7. #7
    Thanks to both of you, I may well speak to the GP again. I personally think part of this started back in 2000 when my dad died. He passed away suddenly at 59 only three months before retirement. He was a workaholic but a rare breed who actually loved his job but I just thought what an absolute waste. All that hard work with early mornings and late nights and for what, to pass away before he could enjoy the rewards of that hard work. I was made redundant from my job which I actually enjoyed about two weeks after my dads passing and I think I became to have a sort of what's the point attitude. I think that's why I never had any kids. I just thought why bring someone into the world to go through exactly the same crap as you?! Pardon my French. Now with my mum in her 80's and not feeling particularly well and me hitting 49 I just can't really see much of a future. Always been a half glass empty kind of chap which doesn't help obviously!!

  8. #8
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    What do you do for fun Max? What makes your heart sing? Everyone has something - for me it's music, it always has been playing it, singing it, hearing it, being in it.... What's it for you?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  9. #9
    [QUOTE=Suzi;328017]What do you do for fun Max? What makes your heart sing? Everyone has something

    It was football until about 5 years ago when the arthritic hips meant that I had to call it a day although I still watch it on TV. Golf has replaced it though and I couldn't be happier on a nice sunny day out playing. Music has never really been my thing although one particular band and numerous various tracks I do like listening to and I am an avid TV and movie viewer so I am quite happy sitting in front of the box all evening watching a good documentary or film. I think I am quite retro though and most of my favourite music tracks or movies are pre 90's, I love the Hitchcock films and all those old movies along with the cheesy 80's music so probably half my problem is that I was probably born in the wrong decade!!!

  10. #10
    I know how you feel as I never really think I am depressed or maybe I just refuse to be depressed (something some people cannot understand) .... I don't really like people either but I think its more I cant be bothered to get close to people or talk silly talk with them.... I don't need them in my life. I love my own space maybe cos that's what I am used to ... I also get so tired but that's cos my mind does not switch off and I have 101 things running through my head whilst I try to sleep.

    I know how you feel cos I always tried to fight it and yet I knew deep down I was suffering from some unhappiness in my life which led me to feeling a bit isolated as I did not want anyone in my life and also I am so used to my own company.

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