Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[Suzi]

It's good to see the positivity - but just as important to acknowledge the not so good stuff. The trick is to strike a happy balance...

[JustEM]

Genius, Suzi!
That's what I've been trying to achieve for ages! It's tricky, but do-able I'm sure.

[JustEM]

Struggling today....

Had a weird appointment with the ED services. Basically got discharged with a BMI of 13. I don't know what message that's supposed to give...? My anorexia was relieved but I did feel a bit tossed aside.

But I've made steps. Mainly for my mother's benefit. I swapped my usual snack for something I haven't eaten in months. Erm, that thing called 'actual food'. Okay, it was a bit of ham, tomatoes and a cheese string all calculated to the exact bloody calorie but at least I've moved on from just melon. It's a mini shuffle in the right direction.

Sadly the centre didn't work out. Turns out, their values and approaches clashed with my religion and I knew my head would relish at the opportunity to make me feel guilty for going there so I decided against it. My mother was relieved and everyone said I made the right choice for me. It caused me to dip in mood because I saw it as yet ANOTHER failed venture but something bloody else will come along I'm sure.

I feel a bit pointless if I'm honest. No purpose, no mental health support, no friends and the weight of depression crushing me to nothing. The meds have stilled my mind but my mood is FLAAAAAAT. I've been spending days on my own and feel detached from everything.

I feel my depression getting worse and wonder what the hell is going to happen to me exactly.

I wish I could just snap out of it. But I can't! I would have done so by now!

[Suzi]

OMG you ate something different than melon?! That's bloody awesome! Well done love! I think that's a real achievement and you should be really proud.

In what way did the values clash with your religion lovely? Sorry it didn't work out though - it obviously wasn't meant to be lovely.
Discharged from the ED team? That's great, if you're well enough. What support do you have now?
Sorry you're struggling, but I'm really glad you are talking about it.

[JustEM]

Yes, haha! It is positive. Thanks, Suzi.

Ah, there's a history behind some of the therapies that contradict the faith. Too much to get into. It's an excellent centre though. Shame for me, but never mind.

Ohhh I'm nowhere near well enough. I'm only four pounds heavier than when I was admitted to hospital and my depression is getting worse if anything. Still, I'm strong enough without them. *laughs in the melons face*

My support will be an hour of CBT twice a month and the GP who isn't connected to the services every four-six weeks.

[Paula]

Is there anyone you can talk to to challenge the decision?

[JustEM]

Not really, Paula. Only other support they could give me would be the occupational therapist of doom that I had before hospital. Thee services are just stretched.

I don't know what others' experiences are elsewhere, but in adult services the MH Team seem happy to let you get on with it. We can't always help ourselves. Anorexia has similarities to an addiction.

Still, thank goodness for my family. And you guys.

[JustEM]

Im seeing my therapist today so can ask for weekly sessions but she didnt seem keen on the idea before.

[Suzi]

It seems counter intuitive to discharge you when you are still really poorly..

[JustEM]

Yeah.... It's just the system.

It all came out in therapy today though. I didn't expect to rant but just couldn't help myself. I've just been so let down by the service. She helped me a lot. She also said she will see me weekly for the first ten of twenty sessions and that we can re-evaluate then. She was pleased with the work I did and said nobody had put in so much effort the first time like I had!

So, it's positive. Still feel a bit meh but better than I did a couple of hours ago.