Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[JustEM]

Sorry, Suzi.

I know I should have been in touch. I get like that when things feel tough. I go a bit quiet.

I'm still at the same weight I was when I was discharged from hospital two months back. I spoke to the dietician about the possibility of inpatient. I was totally honest with her. My weight is the same so I was personally relieved by that. I mentioned inpatient to her. She replied that it would be very expensive for the NHS and that I wouldn't be a priority because I'm not at medical risk, yet not so long ago when my weight was lower (but not drastically so) that horrid OT was saying I could collapse in the street. The dietician said that I need to be motivated if I go inpatient and want to change because if I voluntarily went and left I wouldn't get the chance to access it again. She said they wouldn't section me because I wouldn't be classed as ill enough. She pointed out that I would be with women more under weight than I who would be much more entrenched in the illness.

So what? A BMI of 13.8 is not sick enough to be an inpatient but a BMI below 15 means I wouldn't be cognitively ready for therapy apparently? I left today with the feeling of, 'Oh, so I'm not thaaaat bad'. Still, I'm looking at it from a positive perspective and not being so cynical about it all, hehe!

Think the eating disorder service only classify 'dead' as being in need of help. Sorry. Not, ahem, being cynical.

I like the dietician and she seems genuine but the fact that I told her I had wished I had died and still have feelings of 'I wish I was dead' didn't seem to mean anything. Hell, perhaps she's just tired of hearing that all the time!

I don't know what I'm expecting really. A magic wand or a brain transplant would be nice, haha!

Lovely to hear from you too! How are you? X

[JustEM]

Hi Magie,

How are you?

Thanks for keeping in touch. Hope you had a nice Christmas.

Yeah, things have been a bit tough. It's just the depression that is what's making everything so hard. I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week to discuss my meds. Think this will be my fourth and final attempt at ADs though.

[Suzi]

Don't give up on the meds love. There are loads of different ones and different combinations to try.

Sweetheart don't go quiet again - when you are struggling more you need your friends more, and although we're separated by technological screens, I hope you'd consider us your friends. We care about you. It's important to be around people who won't judge you, but have some understandings.

You still on those shakes? What happened with your pot painting?

[JustEM]

Yeah, I won't give up on them.

Thanks Suzi. Of course I consider you all my friends!

Still on the shakes yeah. Hate it but no point in going backwards.

I've tried on several occasions to take up the pot painting, even just last night. I persisted but stopped when I realised I was just simply forcing myself to do something i didn't want to do. I can't get any pleasure from it anymore. Maybe it was just what I needed at a different stage.

I can't concentrate on anything though. I part read books and part watch TV shows and never feel motivated to go out much.

[Suzi]

Definitely don't go backwards! You are too lovely and fabulous and the world needs you!
Right so shakes are disgusting and I get that, can you add in some funky smoothies or something, just so you can get some different flavours which might help even in the slightest?
Please forgive me if I make stupid suggestions that won't help, but ED's are something I don't have experience with and I desperately don't want to make things worse for you! So, please tell me if I'm not helping.

So, no pleasure or enjoyment? Sounds depression like to me lovely. Are you going to have someone with you at your appointment? Mum maybe? Then she can help fill in the missing bits or maybe say things how they really are from her point of view too? I know I always went to the early ones with Marc...

[magie06]

Hi Em, as usual I've been running around like a headless chicken. I started knitting again last week and started a baby blanket for a charity here, that send boxes to maternity hospitals for people who have suffered the heartache of losing a baby either preterm or by stillbirth. The boxes have a blanket, 2 teddies, a disposable camera, and I'm not sure what else. I think there maybe a moulding clay to take an imprint of the baby's hands and feet too. It's a very difficult time in any parents life and if I can help at all by knitting a blanket then that maybe my calling. I'll knit as many as I can. I've started this blanket in 4-ply wool which is very fine and knit on very small needles. I'll get it finished sometime.

[JustEM]

Your advice about the shakes was great, honestly! They aren't that bad actually. I put them in coffee and mixing up the flavours helps. The chocolate ones are actually quite nice, haha!

Yeah, I know the depression is really a problem in my brain right now. I'm thinking of going back on an antipsychotic I was on before which helped me with the anorexic thoughts. They're starting to kick in more lately. I woke up this morning for instance with the words 'you're a fat sh*t and I hate you' repeating over and over in my head. I haven't had any ED thoughts like that in ages really.

And I'll try another AD med. I've felt really unwell lately and my mother thinks it could be since decreasing the sertraline. I get constant headaches that I can only get rid of by lying down in a dark room and sometimes any noises (even my poor dad just talking last night bless him) feels like it's piercing into my skull so that I just want to say 'shut up!', haha! I feel like my heart is pounding in my chest even though my pulse is totally fine and nauseous and like I need to take deep breaths - a bit like anxiety but I don't feel anxious ?? I am also sleeping loads and feel totally exhausted. My mam thinks it's psychosomatic and that I think something is wrong when it's not. Thanks for that, haha! She also said depression can cause physical symptoms. Who knows? Maybe I'm just stressed!

Mood is flat as a pancake. I've had a lot of anger though. I liken the feeling to really bad PMS which in my case isn't currently possible. I feel like I could bite the head off a nail! I've been crying more, too. It's pent up exasperation at the depression having such an impact.

I will be alone for the appointment but feel okay in this case. I can be completely honest with the psychiatrist about my distressing thoughts that way without having to say anything in front of my mum which may upset her.

That must have been so reassuring for Marc to know he had you as a support. Has his depression improved?

Ps. How is crash??

Xx

[JustEM]

Wow Magie,

What a beautiful way to use your talent. That is such a lovely thing to do and it must be so rewarding. I'm sure it means such a lot to those who receive these boxes. What a beautiful charity.

Lovely to hear that you're keeping busy and doing something so productive too.

Xx

[Paula]

Depression absolutely causes physical symptoms - my depression actually often manifests more physically than psychologically

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinic...sion/symptoms/

[Suzi]

Marc's been seeing an amazing psychotherapist for almost a year now and its been amazing. It's really hard going, but it is working.
Crash is awesome, and he's staying with us for ever!