Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[magie06]

Can I wish you a very happy Christmas and a healthy and happy new year.

[Suzi]

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas lovely lady x

[Paula]

Missing you, sweetie

[Suzi]

In my thoughts lovely x

[magie06]

I hope you had a nice Christmas.

[Suzi]

Hey love. Am missing you. Hope all is OK...

[Paula]

Hi, sweetie, hope you’re ok

[JustEM]

Hi everyone!

I'm so, so sorry that I haven't been in touch...

Thank you all so much for still checking in on me whilst I haven't been online.

How are you all? How was Christmas?

Happy Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year! I hope 2018 will be a good year for everyone.

I am alright thanks.

My depression is absolutely unbearable, though. I've tried three sets of meds. Clomipramine last year made me froth at the mouth and vomit and konk out asleep all the time and gave me palpitations and hand tremors! Horrid! Mirtazapine made me super happy then I had a huge crash and then I had panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Yikes! Finally tried sertraline 50mg and increased to 100mg. Felt it actually helped and have stuck with it for over four months. Through November I was feeling it was wearing off so increased to 150mg throughout December but the depression persisted as bad as ever. I've been on 100mg this last week and it feels better but I'm still heavily weighed down by this horrible all-consuming black cloud of doom. Nothing shakes it.

Don't know whether it's worth trying ANOTHER anti depressant, something as well as the sertraline or to go with the natural pills. Feel like I need a brain transplant to take the depressed chunk out and replace it will a happy chunk.

Confession! The homeless job was as a kitchen supervisor. The anorexia still has such a grip over me that I don't even realise what I'm doing half the time!! There wasn't another position advertised and I've had no luck in getting non-catering jobs in the past. I thought it would be okay but the 50+ hour weeks in a physical job feeding others all day but starving myself proved too difficult. I'm proud of what I achieved during my time there but annoyed that I'm back at bloody square one AGAIN!

I don't want to go back on ESA as working was helping the depression. I've applied for some shops and call centres. I NEED to break the pattern and obsession around work. Otherwise, it's just exhausting!!

I'm FINALLY meeting with the CBT therapist this Friday from the CMHT after a year of waiting! She sounds lovely on the phone. I'm also seeing the dietician today. She's nice, too. I will see her every two weeks and the therapist weekly. I'm petrified of getting weighed today. My ED is STRONG and more of a problem than I thought. I am complying for the most part but still have days when I chuck the shakes away and I haven't eaten any hot food for a whole year now.

I don't want to address it and often wish anorexia would kill me but it won't so I have been thinking if things don't improve I may have to go inpatient.

Maintenance to prevent repeated hospitalisation and tube feeding but also weight gain which means I cant really do things well like work or exert myself much is boring. I want to die but would never take my own life and it seems anorexia won't beat me either. I can't go backwards because it would be like chucking everything back in my families faces. Going forward is terrifying too because it creates awful feelings of guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, fear, self hatred and disgust. So it's a bit of a crap situation really!

Sorry for the negativity ladies! Do let me know how you're all doing.

I've missed you xxx

Christmas was lovely though and I coped well. I enjoyed spending time with the family.

[Suzi]

So.. Why haven't you posted up till now?
How did the weigh in go?
Bloody hell it's lovely to hear from you! I was getting so worried!

[magie06]

It sounds like you've not had the best time. Glad that you were able to enjoy Christmas. You take care and pop in to see us when you can.