Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[Paula]

You’ve been quiet today. You ok?

[JustEM]

Aww Suzi!!

Aw sorry to hear you feel like you've been hit by a ten ton truck!! Sending lots of hugs, hun!

So good to hear that you're resting and doing what you need to get well. Lots of self-care, treats and nice things for Suzi now, okay?? You deserve it!!

That's great about the lovely gentle nurse you saw. When people genuinely care, it makes all the difference! Sorry about the other nurse, but remember that's HER problem so give it back to HER! hehe!

Hope you feel better soon!! Take care of yourself,

Em xx

[JustEM]

Hiya Magie,

Well sometimes it's nice to have days where you don't do very much just to relax and take things easy. Although to me it sounds like you still had a pretty nice and productive day having coffee, going shopping and doing some knitting!

The Nuns who visited me on Sunday actually recently received a donation of knitting needles and wool and suggested I knit blankets for the homeless. What a great idea! Although I'm not, ahem, that great at knitting hehe!

What kind of things do you knit?

Yesterday was a mixed bag but overall good and my mood is in a good place. Didn't have any pots to paint but spent the day doing some 'adult colouring' as my visitors bought me some books and pencils. Didn't know if I would enjoy it but it's really relaxing, takes up loads of time and the end product looks great! I also now have my own room. It's huge with a massive window, my own TV, a big table for painting and loads of space for visitors. Slept like a baby thanks to not having to share with snoring patients hehe!

However, the OT was due to come. She set the appointment last Thursday for 1pm yesterday. I wrote down a list of the type of support I wanted post-discharge and was literally just waiting for her when she called FIFTEEN minutes before 1pm to say she's coming 'some time' tomorrow. To me, this just says 'I don't care about you whatsoever' and 'I can't be arsed'. She did this even after I expressed how let down I felt by the service last week. I text her my feelings and her reply was 'ok Emily, see you tomorrow'. No apology. No 'sorry you feel that way'. Nothing.

She makes me feel like sh*t. When your self-esteem is rock bottom and you have no self-confidence and are suffering with an illness caused by feelings of not being good enough.... It honestly hurts when the people who are supposed to support you treat you with such indifference. She sees me as an eating disorder and nothing else. She sees me as a mental health statistic and a number on her chart and as long as I don't die under her 'care' and all the boxes are ticked, she can pick up her betty pay check and swan home to watch EastEnders. I actually feel hatred towards this woman and I don't hate anyone.

Roll on the letter of complaint. People with such indifference and no empathy or genuine care shouldn't be in this line of work. Sorry for the rant!! Felt better to get that out though haha!!

Have a lovely day everyone! Big hugs Magie! Xx

[JustEM]

Hi Paula!

Thanks for checking in on me, hun.

As you can see from my rant, that probably contributed to my quietness. Also there was a query at 2.30pm yesterday that my tube had moved inside me so after an X-ray and a six hour wait it was confirmed it wasn't. Phew! If it had moved, I would have had to have had this one taken out and a new one put in straight after. Gross!

So I was feeling bummed out by the OT's lack of giving a sh*t and was a little anxious bout the tube situation. Still, I made it through day 12!

Hope all is well with yoooou!! xx

[magie06]

Hi Em. I'm so annoyed for you having to put up with that kind of treatment. No on in my book. If you have to cancel an appointment at least do so with an apology and as much notice as possible.

I'm knitting a shawl for my mum for Christmas. She's in a wheelchair and her shoulders get cold, so I'm knitting her something to put over them. At this stage there isn't a lot more that she needs. I've knit a lot of stuff over the years. I've been knitting since school and I don't think there's a lot that I haven't tried. Earlier this year, DWD was 10 years old and I knit Suzi a little mascot in the DWD colours along with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of bubbly. He was cute. Last year I knit a number of baby blankets for charity. They send around baby boxes to the maternity hospitals for people whose baby dies before birth or shortly afterwards. The parents can then decide whether to bury their baby wrapped in the blanket or keep it as a reminder of their little one.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart that's terrible!
Glad you have your own room now, sounds much better - but also more isolating, so will you make a massive effort to still get out and talk to people?

Glad that the colouring is helping.
I'm really cross about that OT.

[JustEM]

Hi Magie,

Totally agree. OT update! She came by today and I told her all the help I wanted when discharged. Turns out the service can provide me with a dietician, a psychologist, a nurse and a therapist. Umm so why was I lumped with an incompetent occupational therapist for five months with no mention of these other mental health professionals being available to me?!

She instantly started banging on about me not eating solid food. The doctors and nurses here have a totally different approach and respect that it's difficult for me to be tube fed AND eat. So they're not pressuring me to. OT also banged on about me not being able to have therapy until my BMI was 15. Why be negative? I know this and I'm in hospital being fed to gain weight. I'm talking about the future. I told her the damage in our relationship was irreparable and that I no longer wanted to work with HER.

I couldn't help myself so asked her why she wanted to work with people with eating disorders. She said 'because I want to'. I laughed and said, 'yeah, but why?' She said she didn't have to explain herself to me and got up to leave. I laughed and asked why she was going and she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. I called after her, 'Goodbye you horrible person' and a lovely nurse later informed me that I made the OT cry. Well, good. She makes me feel like sh*t so it won't hurt her to know how she makes service users feel.

I also wrote a letter of complaint. Felt so good to scribble it all down. I'll return to it and send it in future.

So today has been really tough. Met with the clinical lead and it seems I'm going to be here for ages. I'd say at least another two weeks.

Own room is nice, but is a bit isolating. I'm getting a room mate tonight in her twenties. All other patients are very elderly and mostly bedridden so not much chatting to be done, Suzi! Haha!

Wow Magie! Your knitting sounds amazing!! So lovely that you are using your talent in such a positive and kind way to benefit others!! That's so lovely that you're knitting for your mother and what you made for Suzi sounds awesome!! Wow, what you knitted for charity sounds so beautiful too! What a great way to use your talents!

[Paula]

Oh sweetheart, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear from the clinical lead but hopefully the extra time will ensure you really are on your way to wellness and means less chance of a relapse. Big hugs, lovely

[JustEM]

Thanks Paula.

You're right. Hospital isn't bad but it's not home. Although at this time, home means relapse.

I trust the professionals. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to be.

[Suzi]

I know it sucks, but you really are doing the right thing putting your health first lovely... I'm so glad you have got things out of your head with the OT and the complaint letter.