Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[JustEM]

Thanks, Suzi. It is really damned hard sometimes to do what I really do not want to do but I'm trying so hard and I don't kick up a fuss about it.

Sometimes I feel my family don't think what I'm doing is good enough, but I just know it's because they wish I could be better tomorrow! I know they care and just want me well.

I'll post some pics next week for definite! I'm off apple-picking (smuggling!) tomorrow with my auntie at a nearby park to get ready for my chutney-making!

[Suzi]

You are doing so well. You can beat this, I have every faith in you!

[JustEM]

Thank you. That's really kind of you to say.

Struggling today, though. Complying makes my mood worse so I'm less likely to do things I enjoy and go out. Got the anxiety of Monday clinic hanging over me just like last weekend, plus my mother told me yesterday she is coming into my appointment and telling them she wants me to be hospitalised. Cheers, mother. Makes complying feel even more pointless.

Currently staying with my auntie as my parents are away and she's promised my mother to make sure I comply. I usually love being here, but I just want to go home and switch everything and everyone off and paint because it blocks it all out. My auntie's offered to come stay at my house with me, but I'd feel guilty she'd be bored. Even though I'm bored to pieces here!

Also feel ill today. Massive stress headache and so tired.

[Paula]

Sweetie, I know you’re not going to like this but, if I was your mum, I’d be doing exactly the same. You’re desperately ill and she’s terrified she’s going to lose you. Any mum would do whatever it takes to keep her baby safe, even if that means keeping her baby safe from herself.

[JustEM]

Thanks, Paula.

You're right. My Mother's saved my life from this twice before and I mean that literally!

I know my mood will pick up Monday with the relief that I've been to the clinic and it's over with. I'm fed up of this endless cycle of operation hospital-prevention, relief, mood swings, anxiety, days in bed, self-punishment and reluctant compliance.

I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow, then I can go home and paint and go Monday.

[Suzi]

I have to say I'm with Paula and I'd be moving heaven and earth to save your life - in some ways to save you from yourself. We're lucky, we're just getting to know you and I know that you are amazing and well worth saving - that the world is a much, much brighter place with you in it. I know that things feel tough and probably a bit "only focussed on complying" rather than living.... I know that's got to be suffocating - but do you know what? There's loads of time to do all the amazing things that you have to come once you've stopped having to focus on this...

You can get through this weekend - why not write some poetry or a short story?

[JustEM]

Thank you so much. That's really supportive and trust me it means a lot to me. Thanks for your kind words.

Sometimes it's hard to believe this is all actually happening. It's like I'm lost in my head or a bubble. Yeah, guess it's just going to be a long process. One day at a time.

I've tried writing as my therapist asked me to do four poems. I've gotten all my thoughts and feelings out, but couldn't write a poem on it. My head feels squashed in. Feeling really weirdly unwell, too. I've got a great book I'm hooked on though

[Suzi]

Don't forget though that poems don't have to rhyme or have a set pattern or even form verses... Go with it as it comes.

What's the book?

[JustEM]

I know. I think my head just isn't in the right frame to get it out on paper, if that makes sense? But thanks.

Book is called Safe House. It's a psychological thriller. It's good!

[Paula]

That makes total sense. When I’m struggling mentally, I just can’t focus - even on those things I normally love to do.

How are you feeling this morning?