Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[JustEM]

Thanks Paula. Brutal honesty is what I need sometimes!

I know it's her job and I know I don't have to like her. I know she has a duty of care. I'm not saying she doesn't care at all - she obviously cares enough to do the job - but when you have MH issues it's so easy to root out those who care enough to get the job done and those who really, genuinely care. It doesn't help that she focuses on the negative all the time. (My mother agrees with this) She says 'eat because anorexia is killing you' rather than 'eat to stay well' and always asks me 'Do you want to go to hospital...?' Like it's some kind of threat. I'm seeing her again tomorrow with my mother and we're going to gently say that making too much reference to the 'you could die' aspect of it isn't helpful.

She also keeps saying how she 'gets' it. Sorry love, but she doesn't get what it's like to HAVE anorexia just because she works with sufferers three days a week. No matter how long you look at a patient, it won't make you feel it.

As for my mother, I know she's doing everything to support me. My parents are incredible. You're totally right about my dad! When life gets tough.... He heads to work, bless him! I've told my parents my anger and low mood is to be expected and they understand that. I'm busying myself with painting and staying out of their way if I feel crappy because I don't want to create any further tension. It's just easier that I comply.

That's so inspirational Paula, that you keep on fighting! And I'm so pleased and proud of you for achieving such goodness outside of mental illness. You must be a very strong and determined person! Keep fighting!

Yeah, I wallowed yesterday and still feel crappy today but not AS bad as yesterday. Painting and pyjama day again but might actually get over the grump and shower later on.

I'm trying to get well for ME - to work, to volunteer, to be able to exercise for my health, to join some exercise classes with my sister in law to boost my mood and meet new people and to eventually move out (my goals!) rather than to gain weight, avoid hospital, prevent tension at home or get the OT off my case.

Hope you have a nice day today! X

[Suzi]

Sweetheart you are amazing. You can do this. I want you to get well for you, for your parents, but also selfishly because I know how much I like talking to you! You really are more than your mental health issues. You are a strong, intelligent and loving young lady who really has so much ahead of her and I know the world isn't always going to be as hard for you as it is right now.

[JustEM]

Thank you, Suzi. That's really very kind of you to say all of that. I like talking to you, too! You are always so supportive and encouraging. Thank you!

I've been through recovery twice before and know it gets worse before it gets better. I know I can do this. Both times before, I didn't want to get well. It was like it is now - that I've kind of been forced to make a choice of how I want to get onto the road to recovery! But both times I got out of it, I swore I would never relapse. And life did get better. In fact, at times, it got wonderful!

I know I'm more than another mental health statistic. It's just been a long, tiresome road.

I want to be able to want to get better for me, but right now I'm not in that mindset. I would however rather not be this way than be this way (I just don't want to face the fight of getting well) so I guess that's a start.

[Suzi]

Can I ask a difficult question? Why don't you want to get better for you? Why aren't you worth fighting for?

[JustEM]

Hmm. Guess I feel like a complete failure. An embarrassment. A joke.

I don't have a job and can't ever get a 'good' job other than unfulfilling work or catering work with my enemy - food, I'm not in education, I have NO friends whatsoever and can't seem to meet anyone my age no matter how much I've tried, I have no purpose each day, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids, I haven't got my own place to live, I don't even drive and I suffer with really bad depression which re-inforces my feelings that I'm a 'lazy', 'lay-about', 'loser'.

This feeling of 'not being good enough' stems back to when I was just nine years old. I've moved on from that time but every time I experience a big failure, it acts as a trigger for me to fall into depression, not eating and a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

For instance, I came out of school with all A*s and was being encouraged to study medicine. Then I was badly hurt by a friend and ended up dropping out of school to wash dishes and fell into a serious anorexia relapse. I went back to sixth form but due to my illness remarkably scraped through my A Levels. But I never went to Uni.

I over came anorexia and had such a good relationship with food that I went full circle and wanted to train as a chef! I landed on the best course in the UK and did a placement at a Michelin starred restaurant. I did really well there but when I started college, I was badly bullied by others on the course. It was devastating after having worked so hard to get past my insecurities to be knocked back. I fell into a deep depression and no job compared to the opportunity I had been given.

The trigger this time was feeling not good enough whilst volunteering in Bosnia two summer's back. The community leader was manipulative and this was further re-inforced by me not joining the Convent in India last January.

Since then, things went from bad to worse.

[Suzi]

Wow... Some of that I was expecting, some I wasn't...
Michelin trained chef? Wow, I won't cook for you at any point! My cooking skills are legendary........

What's stopping you from training in something else? What about something like open uni? I've quite a few friends who have done or who are doing courses with them. At least you can work at your pace when you are able to?

Having had the chance to get to know you even a little I can't understand why you would feel you aren't good enough. I think you're really quite amazing. I think you are more than good enough. There is plenty of time for all the other things - but only if you start believing you're worth fighting for. I promise you that you are.

[JustEM]

Haha! Well, I didn't complete the training but the place was pretty incredible. Lucknam Park in Wiltshire... Give it a quick google! Oo legendary cooking skills... I like the sound of that! In my eating times lol, I love to cook too - especially baking!

I don't know what I want to do, really. I don't have the confidence to go through with interviews or offers for jobs I've wanted, like in a nursery or with the homeless. And I had a few knock backs last year that knocked my confidence.

But I absolutely cannot work with food anymore! I'm thinking of looking for a non-food related shop locally. Something part time to start with.

That's really nice of you to say that. Thanks for being so kind. Feeling a bit bleurgh tonight. Fed up of supplements and feel gross.Still, better than hospital!

[Suzi]

Morning love. I know of Lucknam Park Wow....

OK something non food related - there are so many options. But maybe right now you need to focus on getting you better?

[JustEM]

Morning Suzi

Lucknam was incredible! A Welsh Head Chef, too! Hehe! But it wasn't meant to be and that's totally okay. It's all experience.

I'm a creative soul so probably something with children or people with learning disabilities as I have a good insight into that, too. But to be honest, I struggle to see myself in an 'important' job! I think something with little stress or pressure would suit me best first. It would still be an outlet and I can build my life outside of that.

There will be plenty of little shop jobs as Christmas is approaching, but you're right. Need to get well first.

Feeling brighter today though. Finally showered and dressed! Painting away again on my next pot for the charity stall with Kate Bush blasting. Clinic later this afternoon.

How are you doing?

Confession. My mother went to work and trusted me to drink my supplement un-supervised, but the sink beat me to it.

[Paula]

Ok, have you told her. If not, why not? And can you not have another one now instead?