Are you seeing anyone today?
Are you seeing anyone today?
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
Not today, but my parents are present when I'm at home. They can't trust me to be alone in case I restrict and over-exert. Which I probably would.
Quiet day today, I don't feel like going out.
Stay in then. It's no harm to stay home and have a lazy day every now and again. Thinking of you even when I don't reply, you are on my mind a lot.
Thanks Magie, that really means a lot.
You're right, nothing wrong with a cosy day in with the Welsh drizzle outside!
Hope all is as well as it can be with you right now!
I love that you're still painting and letting out your creativity.
It's a weird day here today.. One where I've been busy, but not got anything to show for it!
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
Ah, I have to Suzi. I get engrossed in it and the hours honestly fly by!
I've been really angry today though. Screamed a few expletives at the washing machine when the spinner was on full whack earlier and blasted out the rock music.
Haven't bothered with showering and such today, but it's okay. I allow myself days like this sometimes.
Haha, I have too many days like that myself Suzi! I love to faff! I'm sure you'd have more than you think you could show for it if you stopped and looked!
Why have you been angry lovely? Do you want to talk about it?
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
Just angry that I have to do what my head really doesn't want to. I feel better left to my own devices. I don't want to get well and I'm angry that the only reason I'm complying is to prevent being tube fed in hospital and to appease some OT who thinks she understands but doesn't have a bloody clue and who I don't give a bloody jot about.
There's just no motivation to get well. I've got no friends at all (not even colleagues or sort-of friends), no job, I'm not a part or member of anything and I get no real sense of fun out of anything other than bloody flower pot painting. And I'm 23, like! I feel like such a loser and a total joke, failure and embarrassment. I have no big aspirations for the future now because all my plans since last year just kept fizzling out. I'm fed up of things messing up through my life - my education, my employment, my relationships and my dreams.
And my anger is directed towards anyone encouraging or supervising me to eat.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself, I think. Feel so angry and fed up that I've had mental health problems for over half my life and I'm still only young. Can't believe I'm back here again after being severely anorexic at 10 and again at 17. Feels never-ending and I'm done fighting.
There's also tension in the house now there is need for Mass and to go out!
Don't know what the very last sentence means haha!! - Predictive typing!! I meant to say there is increased tension in my house now between my anger, frustration and horrendous mood, my mother's nags to drink and almost-threats of hospital and her total exasperation with me, with my dad's inability to know how to deal with it all other than to over-work and put more pressure on mam.
I’m going to be blunt here, sorry. First, your OT is just doing her job. It’s her job to push you to ‘comply’, it’s her job to keep you safe - from this illness and yourself. It’s not her job to be your best friend and she’ll do whatever she can to stop you starving yourself to death. You may not give a jot about her but she gives a jot about you - that is her job ....
Second, as a mother to daughters (one of which is close to your age) I can tell you that she isn’t ‘nagging’ you to drink, she’s doing everything in her power to save her baby’s life. I can tell you that her heart is breaking right now, that she would much rather alienate you than watch you die while feeling completely helpless to stop it. I promise you that a little part of her dies every time you don’t drink, every time she sees the numbers on those scales go down, every time someone tells her you’re close to death. And your dad isn’t intentionally putting more pressure on your mum. He’s doing what 99.9% of men do when things get tough - they provide. It may not necessarily be the right course of action but it’s what they do
Third, I get it. I’ve battled my MH problems for 3 decades and I’m tired. But that doesn’t stop me fighting. Neither should you stop fighting. There is a life apart from mental illness, there is more to life than this - that I can promise - but You’re the only one who can make that happen. And you should make it happen - you’re a bright, warm, funny, big hearted woman and I know you’re going to have so much joy in your life. You’re allowed to have days where you’re feeling sorry for yourself but then you have to dry those tears, pick yourself up and keep fighting.
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
Suzi (01-10-17)
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