Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[JustEM]

Thanks Suzi.

So far, with the supervision, I'm coping with the snacks and shakes and not feeling the horrible symptoms so much. So far so good.

Great therapy session today though! She wants to see me twice a week and is giving me one of the sessions for free! Spoke to the OT again today and she seemed positive. There was a slight improvement with my bloods so as long as my weight doesn't decrease tomorrow (it won't), I will be able to stay at home.

I'm also meeting weekly with my CPN who's so lovely and reassuring. She told me I've got my first appointment with the psychologist from the CMHT in October even though my BMI hasn't reached 15.

So I have all the support I need in place now and I know I have a wonderful family around me. I'm in a good environment to move forward!

Millie's have given me some shorter shifts but cared far more about the rota than the fact my heart could stop beating and I could collapse. It's not the end of the world if this little job doesn't work out as there's always work around my local area and if I have a few hours here and there then that's a bonus. Next in Saturday!

Still doing lots of things I enjoy and to keep me busy. The painting has been a real triumph! 'Homework' from my therapist today is to paint two pots for ME and to write a creative piece or poem about the experience of doing this. She also asked me to write two poems by next week. We shared a coffee and a supplement together in our session today, which was oddly lovely!

Lots of nice things planned for the next few days, too. Checking out the farmers market Saturday morning to enquire into doing my own stall, cinema Saturday night, day out with my little niece and a night in with my brother and sister in law.

My mood is doing much better. Thanks sertraline. Increasing the dose in two weeks' time.

Goals for the future!

1. Start the horticulture/eco-therapy project in two weeks.
2. Start volunteering at the soup kitchen in two weeks.
3. Continue to work and hopefully be well enough to increase hours in a couple weeks' time. (or get a more appropriate job!)
4. Then I really want to work on getting out and meeting people. I have no friends and, whilst South Wales is beautiful, my hometown is lonely and isolating.

Don't know why I ramble on like this. Think it helps me process things in my brain!

[Suzi]

It's not rambling, it's making friends...

[JustEM]

Yes, by means of rambling....

Sorry, my head's everywhere.

Thanks Suzi x

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[JustEM]

Not bad, thanks.

Mood a bit flat as I'm tired of being a full-time mental health patient. Just coming from the clinic. Slight improvement with my bloods and weight. Everyone thinks hospital is where I should be and the OT said I'm her worst patient she's most concerned about. She said I'm at real risk of collapse. But I'm still out of hospital for the weekend and going back to the clinic Monday. Fun times!

All feels a bit surreal. I can't seem to see the seriousness of it all.

I've had to knock Millie's Cookies on the head unfortunately. They really don't want me working there. Bit of a blow but not the end of the world. Fortunately, I can find work quite easily where I live.

On the plus side though, my mother came home from work today with a huge bag of home grown apples for me to make Christmas chutney this weekend! I'm also planting three of my pots today to give as a gift for my sister in law who has just lost her baby. Starting another pot tonight and the OT has asked me to write a poem for Monday! Also making a cornbread for my mother to say thank you. So lots to keep me busy!

How are you doing? X

[Paula]

Sweetie, it worries me that you can’t see how poorly you are. I’ve had to learn over the years that, if everyone around me is telling me something I don’t want to hear, I have to trust them .....

[Suzi]

I wish you could see that you really poorly, and that you have to take it seriously, because there are loads of people who desperately want you to stay around....

You can do this. You can beat it.

[JustEM]

I know.... I think sometimes it's hard to see something when you're so far into it. The OT told me I could die today and it was like she said something about the weather. It's not that I don't care, I think my brain just can't process it. It doesn't feel real to me.

But thanks Paula, you're right. The MH services and those closest to me wouldn't be telling me this if it wasn't true or serious. I have to accept that and I do trust them.

Thanks Suzi. I know, I'm blessed to have people rooting for me. I know I can beat it. I've beat it twice before. I feel like I can't be bothered to fight again but I am still complying (albeit reluctantly and only to prevent hospitalisation).

[Suzi]

How are you doing today lovely?

[JustEM]

Thanks for checking in on me.

Bit meh today. Mood is flat as a pancake. Can't be arsed with anything, really. That's to be expected though if I'm doing more of what I don't want to do (nourishment) and less of what I do want to do (physical activity and work). Plus I feel like I'm only doing it to stay out of hospital which isn't the greatest motivation. Still, at least I'm still at home painting and complying.

Keeping the goal of being able to go to work and have an outlet of my own as my focus. It's what helped me last time, actually. Work will be what gives me that sense of 'normality' away from my current life of full time mental illness. Maybe this will be what actually makes me be able to stick at a job!

Painting my brother a Starbucks-related pot today (he's coffee mad!) to feel with lots of tasty treats as a little gift to cheer him up a bit. Cheers me up a bit, too.

How are you doing? X