Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[JustEM]

To be honest Suzi, think I was so overwhelmed last week to hear from the ED services that I was lucky to be alive and that my illness had become 'severe' and 'life threatening' (honestly didn't realise it had even become this bad) and so relieved that I had managed to keep so positive and work so hard to stay out of hospital that after that I just lost all control. I worked the same night I was told I was lucky to be alive and for nine hours on no food the next day! Then I starved on only fruit for three days straight.

Found out two nights ago my sister in law has had a third miscarriage. Seeing my happy go lucky brother so desperately sad honestly broke my heart.

Today I told my mother everything. She is such a big support and has agreed to supervise me to make sure I drink the shakes and eat the agreed bits of food. It's scary but I don't want to live this way anymore! My auntie said eat to be able to do the things you want rather than only thinking of eating to gain weight.

I just had some lunch and feel so much more energised. I can do this!

Getting weighed again at the clinic tomorrow and have to fess up to the services, but I am asking for more support now!

[Suzi]

I really feel for your sister in law. I know the pain of miscarriage. (hugs)
I'm so glad you're so open with your Mum. It's so brilliant that she's willing to help and not add to the problems.

Are you sure that working with food is a good idea lovely when you are struggling with it so much?

I'm amazed that you are still so upbeat and positive. You are amazing.

[JustEM]

Thanks Suzi. I'm sorry that you know the pain of miscarriage, too. Sending big hugs right back to you, hun! My sister in law is being remarkably strong.

My mam is such a support. I went to the clinic today and came clean with the OT. I hit my lowest weight now at four and a half stone and my bloods are out. I'm on my absolute last warning before hospital. I've been struggling with refeeding physically so have agreed to have three supplements and three small snacks of melon, grapes and a couple of rivitas through the day. As after eating yesterday I almost vomitted and had to lie down from dizziness after drinking a simple supplement! My stomach has been making horrible squelching sounds. They don't want me to have refeeding syndrome.

Amazingly, they're still allowing me to work! The OT said I really need to comply though because I could collapse. I'm going back to the clinic on Friday.

Work gives me a sense of normality. It's a respite for me. It doesn't feel too food-focused. It's only cookies and there are lots of other things to do there so it's not like the chef jobs I've done before. Thanks for the thought though.

That's very kind of you to say, Suzi! I do try my very best to keep positive! I've started a new project actually... There's a charity event in six weeks at my local Church and I'm running my own stall setting hand-painted flower pots, homemade pies and homemade chutneys! I've really rekindled my love for painting! So I'm always setting little goals for myself and choosing life!

Hope you're having a good week xx

[Suzi]

4 1/2 stone? Seriously lovely, you need to comply because that's a scary low weight, and we're just getting the chance to know you. From what I do know about you, I think you're pretty dam awesome, but you're going to have to make this work so we can get to know you more.
I have to confess to being a big bit out of my depth with the ED stuff, so you might have to help me on the way if that's OK? But I promise you, I'll be here with you throughout this - as long as you want me to be.
I don't know where you are based, but I know there are loads of things that I'm sure you haven't done yet, so let's beat this ty ED OK?
I'd love to see some of your painting lovely. I can tell you're really creative.

One step and one supplement at a time? OK?

[JustEM]

Thanks Suzi! From what I know of you so far, you are clearly such a lovely, kind and compassionate person! Thank you for your support. Of course, I would be so grateful for you to be a part of this journey of recovery! Thank you. Please feel you can off-load to me about anything too, hun. I'm told I give pretty good advice!

Ah, I don't get EDs myself! They're a complicated business, but feel free to ask anything and I'll do my best to explain.

I got off the phone with the OT this afternoon who said I could collapse and that this could kill me. Sigh. As bloody positive as ever, bless her! Then I went to work and it felt totally overwhelming, surreal and futile. I was honest with them. The girl I worked with seemed indifferent and more concerned about the rota issues than my heart, although she was only a nineteen year old kid love her. If they can permit me to do a maximum of three 3-hour shifts where I won't be working alone, it's do-able. Otherwise, I'll have to postpone it until I'm stronger. Due to work Saturday 4-7 next.

I'm a Welsh gal I am and there are lots of things I want to do in life. I do keep very positive and take day by day. I find focusing on one day at a time really is the best way to get through things. We honestly do only have today.

I am quite creative! I would love to share some of my art. Can I do that on here? I could share some snaps! Also some poetry, if you like!

How about you? Are you creative too? X

[Suzi]

Maybe your OT is trying to get you to acknowledge how serious this is? Maybe all she sees is your positivity and has mistaken it for you not understanding how serious it is for your health? Might be worth telling her that you do understand how important it is, but her saying things like that is making it harder, not easier?

I love Wales - are you south or north? One of my closet friends is in South Wales and it's one of my favourite places in the world.
As long as you use a different hosting site and then link to the picture - there is a thread on how to do it- then yes of course you can share some of your work in the creative section! I crochet and cross stitch and used to write a fair bit....

[JustEM]

Yeah, I totally agree with that. At the end of the day, they have a duty of care. The ED Team Leader wasn't best pleased and thinks I should be in hospital. So does my mother, but everyone is trying to keep me out and I really feel I will be able to avoid it. That's great advice though. It's always best to be open and honest from the onset. She phoned me this morning and said that yesterday she felt for the first time that I do actually want to get well. She's nice. My ED just hates her sometimes.

She told me to go to A&E if I start to feel unwell or to call her and she'll sort me a hospital bed. This all feels a little surreal and double-life writing this as I'm on the bus to a market town for my therapy session....

I'm from the South! Born in the little Valley towns but now I live by the coast and it's beautiful. Something special about the Valleys though. Nothing much there but the good Welsh spirit!

Okay, that sounds cool. Maybe I'll venture out and share something soon. Crochet sounds good! I tried knitting once when I was badly anorexic at 17 at a time when the adolescent MH services considered even breathing as exercise lol. I lost so many hours knitting and loved it. Was embarrassingly bad at it though, but everyone loved their lop-sided scarves hehe!

I love to write, too. Why the 'used to' write a fair bit? I especially love to write poetry.

Hope you have a lovely day. It's a nice sunny one here in Wales!

[Paula]

Hey lovely, I’ve just caught up on everything and I’m really, really worried for you ....... I love how positive you are but I’m hoping you’re really starting to take your illness seriously.

I’d love to see some of your art!

[JustEM]

Hey Paula,

Yeah, it's all a bit surreal! Part of me (not in a depressing way but I say this with more of a sense of relief and desire to be free) wants to just collapse for it all to be over. Just coming from therapy now though and she's helped me see just how many people ARE rooting for me to get well and that deep-down, I DO actually want to get better. We're working on me getting well for me and discovering what it is I want out of life.

I am trying to take it seriously. It's all a bit 'double life'.

Oo okay great! I shall have to share some then!

Hope all is as well as it can be with you hun xx

[Suzi]

I'm glad you want to get better. I want you to get better.

I'm rubbish at knitting, Magie and Flo are awesome, so if you need some help I'm sure they will help.