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Thread: Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

  1. #181
    JustEM
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    Thanks Suzi!

    It's at Millie's Cookies! It's only part time - 15 hours, so 2-3 days but it's a good start until I feel I'm definitely mentally ready to start and sustain full time work again.

    As it's food-related again, my dear mother did roll her eyes when I told her where I'd be working, but perked up when I promised to work there on the condition that I actually eat one of the cookies from there each week!

  2. #182
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Good! One of the biggest ones with lots of chocolate and sprinkles
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  3. #183
    JustEM
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    Haha! I'll do my best....

    Job went well today! Easy enough, nice manager and got full marks in the induction tests!

    Met with the OT later this afternoon. Told her how she makes me feel she's threatening me with hospital rather than supporting me to stay out. She said she was sorry I felt that way and suggested I only see her once weekly rather than three times with the hope that I'll feel less stressed and pressured! (whew I was pleased about this because our frequent meetings were provoking much anxiety! She also said she'll help me address other areas of concern rather than just focusing on eating the whole time next week. Things like goal-setting to help me achieve what I want in life and to hopefully help me find some more direction. I've become quite lost.

    Had a bit of a wake up call just now though. My parents noted how I'm taking advantage living with them. Not that I'm difficult to live with as such and I know they love and support me and wouldn't boot me out heartlessly in the state I'm in, but I also know that as a 23 year old woman I am taking advantage by living here. It's easier to succumb to depression and to lie under it all and not to turn up for work when there aren't as many responsibilities and no big bills to pay. I am making baby steps towards working again and volunteering etc. But a wake up call is what I need. I know I really need to grow up and get on.

    They also drew attention to my eating disorder - something I seem to avoid to the point of denying its existence. They weren't trying to upset me or criticise me (we all know it's an illness) but simply pointing out how manipulative I can be and how much I lie. It's difficult. I know it has a hold of me. There's two sides of me - one that is going along as if everything is totally fine and then the other who lives on melon and coke zero and feeds the sink supplement drinks). I think because I've lost my way, friends and sense of worth in life, 'being anorexic' or rather 'having' anorexia feels like a possession - something I have of my own. Life felt out of control and I felt lost. My body became the thing I could control. I know I need help with my eating. I am trying to put things in place in my life to motivate me to eat more but it's like the eating disorder fights against that. Like today, I ate LESS even though I worked at this new job.

    Sorry for the waffle!

    Other than the not-eating business though, things generally are going quite well. I've been doing more activities that I enjoy to keep distracted and to boost my mood. I've also cracked a bad habit of being too lazy to get undressed at night and have not slept in my day clothes for two weeks straight! Think the sertraline could be something that will work for me, too. Only three weeks now but have increased and I'm sticking with it.

    Wishing everyone a positive and enjoyable weekend!!

  4. #184
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Well done for talking to the OT, love. Thing is, they can't change their approach if they don't know how it's affecting you.

    You know, I'm so impressed your relationship with your parents means they can talk honestly with you without you taking offence or feeling like they're pressurising you. That's says a lot of good about all three of you
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  5. #185
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I completely agree with Paula. That's an amazingly honest and open post. Well done for talking to the OT and to your parents lovely...
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  6. #186
    JustEM
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    Thanks ladies!

    Totally right there, Paula. It's about finding what support benefits us each as individuals. I feel relieved I don't have to see her three times a week now haha!

    Yeah, I have a great relationship with my parents. I feel more motivated to grow up and get on! They're a great support for me. I'm very fortunate there.

  7. #187
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    You sound upbeat lovely which is great...
    Give your Mum a massive thanks for being so awesome!
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  8. #188
    JustEM
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    Yeah, as positive as ever me Suzi! Ah yeah, my mam is an angel. I would honestly be lost without her!

    I had a big wake up call today. Met with ED services at the clinic. I lost quite a lot of weight in a short space of time and my BMI shows 'severe anorexia' at 13. My bloods showed abnormalities, too. The neutrophils were low (basically, my immune system is down and if I got an infection, my body would struggle to recover.) People can be admitted to hospital if the levels go below 1 due to the risk of infection and my levels were at 1.1. Close call. Jammy as ever.

    Anyways! They've referred me to hospital BUT as I, my parents and my care co-coordinator ALL think hospital would be the worst option for me (unless obviously things were desperate), they have given me one last chance to comply at home. Starting today, I have to drink three supplement drinks. I've asked my parents to watch me drink them to ensure I don't 'feed' the sink with them!! I'm going back to the clinic on Friday. To avoid hospital admission from there, I need to ensure I comply these next three days, that my weight doesn't drop and that my bloods don't deteriorate! So hopefully, like a cat with nine lives, I have avoided hospital!!

    The ED services said if I do get admitted, they would support the idea of me orally taking on the calories by eating and drinking supplement drinks to avoid NG tube feeding, so if worst does come to worst and I am admitted... I'm not so terrified about it because there's a way I can avoid that horrible tube again!

    On a lighter note, I had a good appointment with my care co-coordinator today. She's great. She told me to reward myself every time I drink one of these drinks by doing something I enjoy doing. This makes it not feel like I'm only doing it for the ED services to back off but that I'm doing it to be able to do more in my life! She's meeting me next week and taking me to Costa for a coffee as a 'reward'.

    Think the medication is starting to kick in, too. I'm getting pleasure out of doing things for the first time in a long time! I'm particularly enjoying painting flower pots for Christmas gifts!

    I love my job at Millie's Cookies! I honestly think it's the perfect job for me! My local stall is really quiet and my manager said as long as all the work is done and it's clean, he's happy for me to bring in a book or magazine and even go on my phone haha! What kind of job is that? Love it. He said in October, he'd be able to give me full time hours between my local stall and a shop in the city centre which is busier and where more people work. So there's chance of me meeting others, too. This is something really worth guzzling down those drinks for!

    The eco therapy project is a bit of a trek to get to unfortunately but it's not impossible! Turns out the buses change with the school holidays!! The project co-coordinator is back from annual leave in a few weeks so I can join them again then! By then, I should be a little physically healthier too.

    Therapy appointment then tomorrow with my lovely therapist who I haven't seen in five weeks!! Due a session!

    Onwards and upwards, now.

  9. #189
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Why haven't you been drinking and eating lovely? I'm worried about you.
    Your care coordinator sounds lovely and I think she's completely right - it shouldn't be torture but something to reward yourself with. What things are you planning to reward yourself with?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  10. #190
    JustEM
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    I don't even know really, Suzi. I know there were several reasons why I stopped initially right back in January. I think when the body becomes malnourished, the mind suffers too.... And I went a bit far. Anorexia is a weird illness. It makes you feel great and positive and completely in denial of the seriousness of it all but at the same time gravely unwell both mentally and physically. Even now the news they told me today hasn't sunk in. It doesn't feel real. It's an illness and I think in some ways it's like an addiction. A lot of it is about control.

    I have complied with the drinks today though and will again tomorrow.

    Have rewarded myself today with an afternoon of painting and a nice chin wag with my dear auntie on the phone. Tomorrow, I plan to pick up some new books from the library and browse around a little market town and see if I can pick my mam up a little nice something, maybe take a nice hot bubble bath, download a new album to play whilst painting, I would like to go to the cinema at the weekend but maybe just watch a new movie at home instead. Just little things really. Simple pleasures! I'm also looking forward to working at the weekend. I hope to be spending Friday night selling cookies and not drinking supplement drinks on a hospital ward!

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