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Thread: Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

  1. #1

    Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

    *SH SU Triggers*

    Hello lovely people. Again, I know.

    Sorry I keep posting. I feel very alone and don't have an outlet. It's been so helpful talking with those who understand. Thanks in advance for actually reading this.

    I met with the occupational therapist from the community mental health team yesterday. I've seen her twice previously and both times left the sessions feeling deflated and honestly much worse. I thought this was due to having to go to the community mental health centre... there's just something really stuffy and depressing about this place and it felt triggering for me... so this week I asked if she could instead come to my house. She did.

    But after our session, I still felt a lot worse. I didn't go to work (I was going to go before the session and had got ready in advance and packed my bag etc. and even straightened my hair to look nicer and boost the old mood), I spent all day in bed and I had very scary and suicidal thoughts (first time they were this bad) last night. This morning, the thoughts returned within ten minutes of waking, so I went back to bed all morning and dozed and escaped in sleep, lost control and self-harmed by smacking my body and my head (a bad habit I haven't done for a couple of months), I didn't go to work again and now it's 5pm and I'm back in bed feeling empty, deflated and exhausted. I did shower and make it out to see my CBT therapist in between, though. She helped as she always does, but the usual mood boost I get from seeing her is still lacking.

    Basically, this is what triggered it. The OT weighed me yesterday as she does weekly. The scales showed that I had gained an unlikely amount of weight. I say unlikely because it was an amount that would be surprising to gain in a month and I've actually eaten less and done more all week so whilst a fluctuation higher or lower would make sense, this increase didn't. My therapist today even said it was probably wrong because she said I look like I've lost weight!

    Anyways, the OT was happy with this. She said had I lost weight, she was going to give me one more week and then refer me back to the eating disorder team. (Um, cheers for keeping me in the loop with this by the way!) So if this week the scales read a certain number.... I don't need to be referred. But if next week they read a different number, I may need to be referred. So... how worthy and deserving I am for more support is measured in a number on the scales? And that's a scales that a loose part actually fell off of when the OT took them out of her bag...? So the fact that I starve myself and punish myself and have suicidal thoughts and can't function properly only matters when those numbers go down, hey? WOW. What kind of university degree they must have to do to come up with that solution is bloody beyond me. I thought it was better to catch eating disorders and mental health problems before they got out of control? Apparently not. The same happened when I was seventeen and relapsed seriously with anorexia. I got to the point where the doctors told me my heart would stop within six months before anyone rubbed the boredom out of their eyes and noticed something was up with me.

    I asked the OT if I could access any more help. She said I'm not at crisis point and reading between the lines of all her 'um-ing and are-ing', again I have to get WORSE before I deserve any more help. Super duper news.

    I'm sorry to sound ungrateful and like I'm calling everyone over, because some mental health professionals are honestly fantastic. The CMHT aren't doing anything wrong... they just do the job and that's about it. Nobody seems to care. I could literally discharge myself from the services and nobody would bat an eyelid. Guess recovery really does have to come from within.

    I'm due to see this OT next week, too. I don't know if I can even be bothered to be honest. I'm not getting weighed. I refuse. Not because I'm worried about gaining weight or feeling fat or being referred to the eating disorder service but because I VALUE MYSELF and I KNOW my worth is more than what a number on the scales reads. Shouldn't it be the MH Team telling the patients that and, erm, not the other way around?!

    I think tomorrow my mood will be on the rise. I bloody hope so anyways, and I've been cutting out things that are making it worse, so I don't know what to do about this OT again.

    Also, the OT, ED team and my CBT therapist have all suggested AD meds again, but I've had two VERY bad experiences on different meds and I'm reluctant to try again. I take Kalms and the night Kalms and have actually slept better all week which is great. I just don't want to take any medication.

  2. #2
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    No need to say sorry. Posting is a good thing.

    I seem to be reading this a lot.. that if you are not in such a point of absolute crisis then you don't get the help you need. But this is how people get in to a crisis surely, from not having enough help soon enough. Crazy. I hope someone gives you the support you need.

    Bit of a random question maybe, but are you getting any exercise? It can have an antidepressant effect, help with regulating eating whether that needs to be more or less, and get rid of the hormones that build up and contribute to the impulses to selfharm. I have done similar in the past and sometimes just going out for a walk helps me to stop doing those things now. I am not always in a good enough state of mind to go outside of course, but sometimes it helps. When it can.

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    I'm sorry things are so bad, lovely. I have to say, the reason people keep recommending ADs are because they really do work, once the right med or meds are found for you. It took me a bit of trial and error before the right combination for me was found. Please don't rule them out yet, hunni ...

    If you're in crisis, love, please call the Samaritans (tel 116 123) or go to your nearest A&E. and, if you're not happy with the support being offered to you, can you please call your GP/pdoc for an urgent appointment and talk things through
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  4. #4
    Hey EmmyRed,

    Thanks for your post.

    You're totally right, surely MORE help will prevent crisis....

    I am, yeah. I walk a lot. I find it boosts my mood to be out in nature and sometimes I blast my feel-good music as I go. I don't do anything else though like the gym or whatever. I used to swim and enjoyed that, but I did it to death and got bored. I know this sounds stupid but the pool water I swear became much colder and I just wasn't enjoying the experience anymore!

    I always make sure I go out for a wander at least somewhere every day though.

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  6. #5
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    Maybe this is a silly question, but what is an ED team?

  7. #6
    Thanks, Paula.

    It may be worth trying another type. Clomipramine was awful. The side effects were vile... like, I was frothing at the mouth and everything haha! And mirtazapine initially felt fantastic but became really bad... so much so that the people around me urged me to come off it. I was so panicky and anxious and scared on that.

    The GP who prescribed me these meds was really indifferent, too. But my current GP is fantastic. She always gives me enough time to speak, you know? I'm worried about gaining weight on AD's though... that would just tip me over the edge, like!

    I was thinking of calling the helplines... each time I've tried I've either not got through or hung up. They might help, though. I was able to tell my mother who I live with how bad I was feeling last night. Not to alarm her, but so that she knew where I was at. And it helped me, too.

    Thanks Paula I'm glad you've been able to find the right meds for you xx

  8. #7
    Not a silly question at all.

    Eating Disorder Team. Sorry, I should have said that!

  9. #8
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    I am no expert on anything, and especially not with eating disorders.. but you say for you it is about control. So my question would be what are you trying to control? Maybe if that can be helped, then your relation to food can begin to normalise by itself. Maybe focusing on it as an issue with food is the wrong way around? Just make sure you always drink plenty!

  10. #9
    It is, yes!

    I experienced a failure last year and lost complete direction in my life. I was utterly devastated. I kept trying to re-direct my life and regain a focus but nothing was coming together and it felt like set-back after set-back.

    Then I just gave up and things got worse. I lost my fight, I became more socially isolated... and the future and the present both looked hopeless.

    My life feels out of control now and I guess by not eating, I'm controlling something. It's also a form of self-punishment and is mood-related.

    The CBT sessions are helping. I'm supposed to be going on a big exciting venture travelling in six weeks... and potentially I may be travelling with a friend instead in just three weeks' time. I know it seems a little crazy maybe, but I feel I really have nothing to lose. It's like a make or break situation.

    I do drink plenty, actually! Maybe a little too much caffeine, but tea makes everything better.

  11. #10
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Sweetheart you can get through this..
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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