*SH SU Triggers*

Hello lovely people. Again, I know.

Sorry I keep posting. I feel very alone and don't have an outlet. It's been so helpful talking with those who understand. Thanks in advance for actually reading this.

I met with the occupational therapist from the community mental health team yesterday. I've seen her twice previously and both times left the sessions feeling deflated and honestly much worse. I thought this was due to having to go to the community mental health centre... there's just something really stuffy and depressing about this place and it felt triggering for me... so this week I asked if she could instead come to my house. She did.

But after our session, I still felt a lot worse. I didn't go to work (I was going to go before the session and had got ready in advance and packed my bag etc. and even straightened my hair to look nicer and boost the old mood), I spent all day in bed and I had very scary and suicidal thoughts (first time they were this bad) last night. This morning, the thoughts returned within ten minutes of waking, so I went back to bed all morning and dozed and escaped in sleep, lost control and self-harmed by smacking my body and my head (a bad habit I haven't done for a couple of months), I didn't go to work again and now it's 5pm and I'm back in bed feeling empty, deflated and exhausted. I did shower and make it out to see my CBT therapist in between, though. She helped as she always does, but the usual mood boost I get from seeing her is still lacking.

Basically, this is what triggered it. The OT weighed me yesterday as she does weekly. The scales showed that I had gained an unlikely amount of weight. I say unlikely because it was an amount that would be surprising to gain in a month and I've actually eaten less and done more all week so whilst a fluctuation higher or lower would make sense, this increase didn't. My therapist today even said it was probably wrong because she said I look like I've lost weight!

Anyways, the OT was happy with this. She said had I lost weight, she was going to give me one more week and then refer me back to the eating disorder team. (Um, cheers for keeping me in the loop with this by the way!) So if this week the scales read a certain number.... I don't need to be referred. But if next week they read a different number, I may need to be referred. So... how worthy and deserving I am for more support is measured in a number on the scales? And that's a scales that a loose part actually fell off of when the OT took them out of her bag...? So the fact that I starve myself and punish myself and have suicidal thoughts and can't function properly only matters when those numbers go down, hey? WOW. What kind of university degree they must have to do to come up with that solution is bloody beyond me. I thought it was better to catch eating disorders and mental health problems before they got out of control? Apparently not. The same happened when I was seventeen and relapsed seriously with anorexia. I got to the point where the doctors told me my heart would stop within six months before anyone rubbed the boredom out of their eyes and noticed something was up with me.

I asked the OT if I could access any more help. She said I'm not at crisis point and reading between the lines of all her 'um-ing and are-ing', again I have to get WORSE before I deserve any more help. Super duper news.

I'm sorry to sound ungrateful and like I'm calling everyone over, because some mental health professionals are honestly fantastic. The CMHT aren't doing anything wrong... they just do the job and that's about it. Nobody seems to care. I could literally discharge myself from the services and nobody would bat an eyelid. Guess recovery really does have to come from within.

I'm due to see this OT next week, too. I don't know if I can even be bothered to be honest. I'm not getting weighed. I refuse. Not because I'm worried about gaining weight or feeling fat or being referred to the eating disorder service but because I VALUE MYSELF and I KNOW my worth is more than what a number on the scales reads. Shouldn't it be the MH Team telling the patients that and, erm, not the other way around?!

I think tomorrow my mood will be on the rise. I bloody hope so anyways, and I've been cutting out things that are making it worse, so I don't know what to do about this OT again.

Also, the OT, ED team and my CBT therapist have all suggested AD meds again, but I've had two VERY bad experiences on different meds and I'm reluctant to try again. I take Kalms and the night Kalms and have actually slept better all week which is great. I just don't want to take any medication.