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Thread: Where I'm at

  1. #811
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Yeah but my counsellor is a bit dizzy and is easily sidetracked so I might avoid it lol. Seriously though the last session hit me pretty hard and left me reeling. It took a while to pull myself together. I kinda know what's gonna be said tomorrow and I've heard it all a million times before but it's just words and nothing seems to change.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  2. #812
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    The homework isn't just words, it's the words of people you like and respect and who care about you. Does that not help?
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  3. #813
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Don't avoid it. You're made of strong stuff. You can do this.
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  4. #814
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    I know what's coming. The lecture on how the only one who thinks I'm a bad person is me, and everyone else sees me differently so clearly it's warped thinking on my part. Thing is though, none of you have been inside my head, you have no idea some of the thoughts and what a sick and twisted mind I have. I've constantly made but chooses in my life causing pain and heartache to the people I supposedly care about and I continue to up on a regular basis. Yes I fight the evil inside and I try to be a good person but wanting it doesn't make it so. You all see the effort I make on the outside. I know that if I told you a story of a drunken mum and drug using dad who lived like slobs and neglected their kids you'd thing that was awful but cos it's me and you think you know me you see me as a victim in a bad relationship struggling with poor mental health who didn't deserve what happened to me. Except I did deserve it. In fact I probably got off lightly and should've been locked up for my sins. You know I could never have more kids even if I wanted them because if I did they would be removed from my care at birth. That's the truth. I wasn't on innocent bystander, I was negligent and can't be trusted to care for any child. Would you really want someone like me to babysit your kids?
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  5. #815
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
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    Yes! Yes! And again yes! You've made mistakes. We all have. It's not easy to come back from those mistakes but you are doing it. Slowly and surely you are getting there. You didn't become a bad mum overnight so you are not going to become Mary Poppins over night either. These things take time. Give yourself time.

  6. #816
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Huh, you normally post something like this after counselling.
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  7. #817
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Well we ended up talking about the fallout after the last session and rebalancing the scales of responsibility. Oh and my reluctance to consider my ex as an abuser. But hey it's all good right?
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  8. #818
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    It's not all good that you have to go through all this. But it is good that you're still committing to dealing with this. I'm proud of you
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  9. #819
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stella180 View Post
    I know what's coming. The lecture on how the only one who thinks I'm a bad person is me, and everyone else sees me differently so clearly it's warped thinking on my part. Thing is though, none of you have been inside my head, you have no idea some of the thoughts and what a sick and twisted mind I have. I've constantly made but chooses in my life causing pain and heartache to the people I supposedly care about and I continue to up on a regular basis. Yes I fight the evil inside and I try to be a good person but wanting it doesn't make it so. You all see the effort I make on the outside. I know that if I told you a story of a drunken mum and drug using dad who lived like slobs and neglected their kids you'd thing that was awful but cos it's me and you think you know me you see me as a victim in a bad relationship struggling with poor mental health who didn't deserve what happened to me. Except I did deserve it. In fact I probably got off lightly and should've been locked up for my sins. You know I could never have more kids even if I wanted them because if I did they would be removed from my care at birth. That's the truth. I wasn't on innocent bystander, I was negligent and can't be trusted to care for any child. Would you really want someone like me to babysit your kids?
    I'd hope you'd know that actually I don't judge like that. I've seen enough parents who are struggling and just need some help, I've been one. I've seen others who just simply don't give a crap and kick their kids out and beat them with belts in the street.... You f*cked up. Yup. Had you had proper non judgemental proper help then maybe things would have been different. You were a victim, the kids were victims. The second fact doesn't stop the first from being true too....

    Quote Originally Posted by Stella180 View Post
    Well we ended up talking about the fallout after the last session and rebalancing the scales of responsibility. Oh and my reluctance to consider my ex as an abuser. But hey it's all good right?
    I'm glad you went over what happened last week. You OK?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  10. #820
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Yeah I'm ok I think. I'm trying to work out who I'm supposed to rebalance the scales when those offering support and expecting me to change my way of thinking only get to hear my side of the story. Surely that is unbalanced? I dunno. It's not easy.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

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