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Thread: Where I'm at

  1. #711
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Not much to share. Just about how my perception of myself is totally wrong, and how my 'sins of omission' aren't as severe as I believe them to be.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  2. #712
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Sins of omission?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #713
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    How my failure to recognise the reality of my life led to the neglect of my kids and eventually losing them. If I actually did something wrong it would be easier change cos I could do something about it but how can I prevent something from happening again if I can't see the initial problem? How many times have I slipped up and not even recognised there was even a problem? It scares the crap out of me.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  4. #714
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    That really is the nature of mental health issues, you're not alone in that, I promise you. But that's when you rely on the people that know you and care about you to tell you when things are slipping - assuming that you actually listen to them
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  5. #715
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    All day I have been trying to find an excuse for why I can't go out to sign on for the darts team tonight, not because I didn't want to go, but because I couldn't find the energy to have a shower and put clean clothes on.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  6. #716
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Did you go in the end? You enjoyed darts, it'd be good to get some social contact in..
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  7. #717
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Due to not finding a good enough excuse I dragged myself out. It was ok but glad to be home. Pretending all is good in the world is a tiring job. Gonna take my meds and slip in between the sheets.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

  8. #718
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    I'm glad you went.
    How are you feeling today?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  9. #719
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Well done, hunni
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  10. #720
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Honestly? Not good. Trying to work through the things brought up in counselling isn't easy and I'm finding it really hard to challenge my own perception.

    It started off with why I am so submissive where the grandparents are concerned, how I picture myself, and my role that led to the boy leaving. The counsellor pointed out that I'm not the monster I think I am and that I was as much a victim as the boys were. Doesn't take a genius to work out that I didn't exactly accept her opinion. I actually feel a bit angry that she suggested that and when she went on to say that omission is less of a sin than commission I was convinced she was talking out of her backside.

    When I look back at my relationship with the boys father there is no doubt that is was an unhealthy one and I knew it. You use the word abusive is probably going a step too far as we were both guilty of creating the toxic situation we found ourselves in. Yes things were bad but I played my part in that so refuse to blame my ex for everything. I could and should've stood up and done something about it instead of doing nothing so I am as much to blame for what happened. Maybe my thinking was warped and I believed that I was doing the right thing for the people I loved, sacrificing my own happiness so the boys could have both parents around. Instead they lost both of us

    I know I've made mistakes, and I have also made so many changes to try and get my life back on track but I can't change who I am. I hate myself for the things I've done and haven't done. I hate that I am so lazy. I hate that I always end up destroying anything good I have. I hate my life, this poxy existence. I'm sick of having to fight everyday to even function like a regular human being. My boys deserve so much more than the losers they have the disappointment of calling mum and dad and no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough.
    ".Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.”

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