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Thread: Where I'm at

  1. #711
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Not much to share. Just about how my perception of myself is totally wrong, and how my 'sins of omission' aren't as severe as I believe them to be.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  2. #712
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Sins of omission?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #713
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    How my failure to recognise the reality of my life led to the neglect of my kids and eventually losing them. If I actually did something wrong it would be easier change cos I could do something about it but how can I prevent something from happening again if I can't see the initial problem? How many times have I slipped up and not even recognised there was even a problem? It scares the crap out of me.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  4. #714
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    That really is the nature of mental health issues, you're not alone in that, I promise you. But that's when you rely on the people that know you and care about you to tell you when things are slipping - assuming that you actually listen to them
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  5. #715
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    All day I have been trying to find an excuse for why I can't go out to sign on for the darts team tonight, not because I didn't want to go, but because I couldn't find the energy to have a shower and put clean clothes on.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  6. #716
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Did you go in the end? You enjoyed darts, it'd be good to get some social contact in..
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  7. #717
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Due to not finding a good enough excuse I dragged myself out. It was ok but glad to be home. Pretending all is good in the world is a tiring job. Gonna take my meds and slip in between the sheets.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  8. #718
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    I'm glad you went.
    How are you feeling today?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  9. #719
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Well done, hunni
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  10. #720
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
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    Honestly? Not good. Trying to work through the things brought up in counselling isn't easy and I'm finding it really hard to challenge my own perception.

    It started off with why I am so submissive where the grandparents are concerned, how I picture myself, and my role that led to the boy leaving. The counsellor pointed out that I'm not the monster I think I am and that I was as much a victim as the boys were. Doesn't take a genius to work out that I didn't exactly accept her opinion. I actually feel a bit angry that she suggested that and when she went on to say that omission is less of a sin than commission I was convinced she was talking out of her backside.

    When I look back at my relationship with the boys father there is no doubt that is was an unhealthy one and I knew it. You use the word abusive is probably going a step too far as we were both guilty of creating the toxic situation we found ourselves in. Yes things were bad but I played my part in that so refuse to blame my ex for everything. I could and should've stood up and done something about it instead of doing nothing so I am as much to blame for what happened. Maybe my thinking was warped and I believed that I was doing the right thing for the people I loved, sacrificing my own happiness so the boys could have both parents around. Instead they lost both of us

    I know I've made mistakes, and I have also made so many changes to try and get my life back on track but I can't change who I am. I hate myself for the things I've done and haven't done. I hate that I am so lazy. I hate that I always end up destroying anything good I have. I hate my life, this poxy existence. I'm sick of having to fight everyday to even function like a regular human being. My boys deserve so much more than the losers they have the disappointment of calling mum and dad and no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

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