Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: I'm sorry...

  1. #1

    I'm sorry...

    I'm sorry I haven't been back to this page. It wasn't because things were getting better....It was more a case of burying my head and all that.

    So weeks, months even...have gone by. We are still waiting for this 1 on 1 counselling to start. I emailed his GP on Thursday. He said he would chase the appointment up (they said it would be 14 weeks), I replied 'thank you', and got an out of office reply. He isn't due back in surgery for two weeks. I'm guessing that's when he will chase it up.

    So this online game (if you have been following my sporadic posts). He has booked into a hostel in London and is planning on going to London (we are in Manchester) for 3 days next week. Didn't even have the courtesy to tell me he had booked. He is apparently meeting someone that he speaks to on the online game. This guy is an American Security Guard in Kuwait. He is home on leave, but is returning to Kuwait next week. He has something like a 10 hour stop over in London, hence Hubby going to meet him. When he first mentioned it we were going together, going to take in a show etc. That changed. Apparently it will be 'too hectic'. he will be 'running around'. 'Much better to go on his own', etc etc blah blah blah.

    Fair enough...I guess.

    I am concerned for his state of mind. Wouldn't come to a vigil with me in our home town yesterday as he was worried he would act 'inappropriately' during the minutes silence. WTF??? And then he's going to London ...on his own?

    Not sure what to think anymore. 12.50am - he has just come down from our bedroom. He's been on the phone. Just to clarify I absolutely 99.9% believe he is talking to this 'John' who he says he is talking to. I really think him requiring CPR 2 months ago has had a serious effect on him. He shuts down when I try to talk to him about how I am feeling.

    Thank you for listening. I don't think there is anything anybody can say...probably other than 'run', and run fast. Believe me, I have considered it on more than one occasion.

  2. #2
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Jane Austen country
    Posts
    33,483
    Perhaps you can go to London together and then spend the days doing your own thing, meeting up for dinner in the evening? That way him runnng around doesn't mean you have to - maybe you can go shopping, to a museum or play?

    Erm I don't know how to ask this so I'm coming straight out with it. Do you think there's even the slightest chance he could be having a relationship with 'John'?
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  3. #3
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    62,933
    I'm completely with Paula. I was wondering exactly the same things about "John?"
    You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  4. #4
    Thanks your replies. I really would put my life on it that he isn't having an affair with 'John'. I don't believe I am in denial when I say that. To be honest, if I thought that for a single second, I don't think I would keep getting up and dusting myself down to try and make this work. He has never been one to have friends. When we met he didn't really have any. He has always been a loner really, and just enjoyed it that way. He has discovered this other life where there are people outside of the home and family who he enjoys speaking too...apparently.

    Train and hostel tickets were booked goodness knows when. The plan originally was I was going, spending the day shopping, etc then meet up at night. Now though he has decided he wants to go on his own. He "believes he should be able to go away for a couple of nights if he chooses without me".

    He is acting and saying things so out of character. Our life is so different to what it was a year ago, I don't recognise it. I am just trying to keep myself busy. I am slowly getting back in touch with old friends and trying to start a life again by going out etc rather than sat in festering and getting annoyed that I am sat in on my own.

  5. #5
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    East Riding of Yorkshire
    Posts
    9,755
    He is behaving appallingly. There comes a point when bad behaviour can no longer be blamed on depression, only you can decide when enough is enough, but lovely, don't keep letting him get away with this behaviour at the cost of your own health. At the very least he should have consulted you about going away, he needs to remember that he has a responsibility to his kid. It's not fair leaving everything to you, it's not fair to the kids.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  6. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Jaquaia For This Useful Post:

    Blacklab (30-05-17),Paula (30-05-17),Suzi (30-05-17)

  7. #6
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    62,933
    Jaq's right. This isn't depression, this is treating you like rubbish. Sweetheart it's up to you what you put up with, but speaking to you like that and just expecting you to change the plans isn't right, fair or OK actually... Did he even ask what you thought? No? Doing everything he can to get away alone for a couple of nights? Sweetheart I'm sorry, but his behaviour is ringing massive alarm bells for me, and all I can see is you and your children being incredibly hurt...
    IF he's going to go away then let him, you do something that you and the kids want to do! Make it a good weekend without him. You are an amazing person. Put you and the kids first...
    You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  8. #7
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Largs, Scotland
    Posts
    172
    Hi there Blacklab, I hope things are getting better for you and your family, after reading your opening post on this thread several times now, I have tried to respond to you but not been able to say accurately what it is that I want to tell you and what I am going to say is going to be honest and from the bottom of my heart and written with the best intentions to you.

    Firstly, I have had mental health issues for over a decade, they are cyclic in that they come and go like a tide, I live with depression and anxiety. I was married to a wonderful woman, we seperated for five years, got back together again and sadly seperated again. I know she still loves me and I still love her but we cannot live in the same home as each other, we tend to rub each other up the wrong way far too often for our relationship as a couple to remain healthy but at a distance, we get on great and are actually managing to be friends.

    Before we seperated the first time, one of my hobbies was camping and the other photography. I combine them both and regularly went away on my own, sometimes for several days, sometimes our sons would come with me and sometimes we would go as a family, this was all part of our "normal" lifestyle. However, once my depression had a significant impact upon us as a family, I made a point of going alone and I am going to be honest here, some times I was not alone, sometimes there were other photographers there too, we all had our own tents and there was nothing inappropriate going on but I had started to hide things from my wife and family, this was most certainly not "normal" for me or us as a couple and family.

    After a period of time went by, I found myself a friend, by this point we had been seperated for over a year. My friend was a woman, I was honest with her that I was seperated and that I wanted to win back my family. I could not see that this woman wanted more from me than I was willing to give until one day, she as good as offered herself to me. At that point I ended that friendship.

    Looking back to that time it was one of the most destructive times in my life and I did things I would never have contemplated in my right mind. From what you have said above and I say this respectfully as I do not know you or your partner, but I would have serious concerns about him going to meet someone else, either male or female. If he is meeting a male and it is innocent, then why shouldn't you go along? At the very least for the sake of safety, it's not only kids who are taken in by the darker side of the internet! If he is meeting someone for a more "romantic" liaison, then I would not be surprised that you would not be wanted there and anything will be said and done to create tensions and arguments in order for him to go alone.

    You need to protect you and your family as best you can from anything that can do them harm, emotionally and / or physically and I have no doubt that you will already be doing everything you can to achieve this. I am sorry that I cannot give you something better than this as a reply but I am being completely honest with you and I really do wish you well for a successful outcome to your situation, for you, your family and your partner.

    Peace, Calm, Serenity and Tranquility!

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Cameraman For This Useful Post:

    Suzi (22-06-17)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •