Antidepressants making things worse?! *SH triggers

[JustEM]

Hey there.

I was on 15mg mirtazapine. Within days, I felt great! I kept referring to these tablets as 'happy pills'. However, two weeks in and the affect seemed to wear off so after a month on 15mg, I increased to 30mg. I've been on 30mg now for two weeks and I have started to feel much worse. This has been noted by myself, my therapist and my family around me...

I feel so spaced out, detached from things and just so empty. I've also had some minor anxiety/panic attacks and palpitations. I've been breathing as if I can't get enough breath in sometimes too, if that makes sense? I'm not sad... it's more than that... it's like I've just become NUMB. NOTHING.

I've started to have some dark thoughts and today I self-harmed for the first time in months. These are all alarm bells.

I'm wondering, could this be an affect of the tablets?

They also totally sedate me which is horrible.

I'm reluctant to change my meds because I was previously on clomipramine before mirtazapine and the side affects of that for me were horrendous - dry mouth, anxiety, shaky hands... etc. But I don't want to stay on these mirtazapine pills either.

I know different tablets affect people differently but any similar experiences, encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated! Honestly feel like I'm getting worse.

Thanks xx