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Thread: Just another newbie here! *Possible Triggers*

  1. #1

    Just another newbie here! *Possible Triggers*

    *possible triggers in this post*


    I'm new here and just reaching out with the hope to both receive and share a bit of support with others facing similar struggles.

    I feel a bit rubbishy. I've been suffering with a relapse of severe depression for almost eight months. It feels like one step forward and about twenty backwards.

    I lost my head today and self-harmed for the first time in a few months. I just started whacking my head and slapping my face and it's been five hours since then and my head's still spinning. It felt so good to hurt myself in that way, which I know is not healthy and not right at all.

    I'm really isolated right now. I don't have ANY friends. I've just had to finally accept that I can't hold down a full time job anymore (I've had at least ten jobs in the last six months) and so I've signed off work. The days feel so long.

    I'm on mirtazapine but I think it's making me worse. I've had suicidal thoughts (won't act on them but there have been two recent occasions when I've felt out of control and I often think of jumping in front of a train as an option.) I'm getting worse. This has been noted by myself, my therapist and my family members.

    I feel.. nothing. It's like I'm spaced out. On three separate occasions this week, someone has had to literally wave their hand (bit rude, but whatever ) just to get my attention. I was honestly able to just stare at the wall for almost an hour the other day too. When I received some wonderful news in my family last week, obviously I acted delighted on the telephone when I was told the news.... but inside I felt nothing. No joy, no excitement, no pleasure... just so very empty. I don't enjoy anything anymore. And I feel like I need to cry, but I can't... nothing comes out.

    I'm also incredibly stressed about my weight. I hate eating and feel a mad urge to 'purify' myself after eating something. I also sleep way too much because it means I don't have to be awake and facing reality.

    Don't really know what else to say. Can't see a way out. I do have goals and dreams and ambitions which I've achieved in the past, it just seems impossible for me to be able to ever attain them again.

    I hope to hear from someone soon.

    JustEM xx

  2. #2

  3. #3
    We have to stop meeting like this :D

  4. #4
    That's a really brave post. Well done!
    I'm sure some of the lovely and experienced regulars here will reply in the morning.

    Take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you.

  5. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Jane Austen country
    Hi Em and welcome. I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly at the moment . Have you seen your Dr recently? Have you talked about other medications and next steps? You mention your therapist, what type of therapy are you having?

    This is a wonderfully supportive forum. Please keep talking, it really does help
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  6. #6
    Hi Em, and welcome to the forum Sorry you're feeling so rubbish love. However, as Paula says, this is a very supportive and friendly forum and you've been very brave to write down how you feel. Just keep posting. There's always someone here to support and listen.

  7. #7
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    South Yorkshire
    Hi and welcome Em xx

  8. #8
    Hi all!

    Thanks for your kind responses!

    Haha... ATTMP! Well! Fancy meeting you here! It looked like a really supportive forum so I thought I'd give it a whirl! Nice to see you thought so too!

    Hi Paula and Flo Thanks for saying both that there's always someone who'll be there to listen. Last night I felt so very isolated and alone. So thanks for your encouragement.

    Paula, I'm seeing my Doctor in two weeks time about the medication. I don't want to stay on the mirtazapine. It's making me feel 'not right', if that makes sense? I may try a third medication but I don't want to continue trying new drugs, coming off them and giving something else a whirl, you know? So part of me wants to just not go on any medication and maybe take something natural instead? I don't know if that's a good idea though... I had a bad experience with clomipramine (really awfully affected me) and I know the mirtazapine is having a negative affect. You know when you 'just know' it's the tablets?
    I'm seeing a psychologist privately because the waiting list for one-to-one CBT with the CMHT was so long. She is fantastic and I like her a lot. Often she doesn't even charge me! But I only see her once every few weeks because she doesn't have much availability. We don't do CBT really, it's more like talking therapy but it helps a lot. She genuinely cares and even texts me out of session time to see if I'm okay! I think she was a bit alarmed by how bad I was at our last session.
    I've started seeing an occupational therapist now on a weekly basis too (second session is this Monday) for goal-setting and to help with my daily functioning, e.g. I am unable to hold down a full time job and it's a horrible endless cycle of walking out of jobs and obsessing about applying for new ones etc. ... She's from the local CMHT and I got on well with her when we met last week, which is positive. Although I hated meeting with her at the mental health clinic... it put me back to too many years and I couldn't believe I've fallen back to where I am now again but hey ho, here we are! I may arrange to meet with her OUTSIDE of the clinic, I didn't feel comfortable being in there.
    My local doctor is really good. (First GP I saw was not helpful whatsoever but now I've found a good 'un who sees me regularly about medication).
    I've also rather reluctantly had a referral to a dietician and to an out-patient eating disorder service with a psychiatrist I have met previously when I was changing over from the CAHMS service to adult services as I suffered with anorexia from the age of 10-19.... I'm 22 now, my eating's not great but in no way do I feel I am properly 'anorexic' this time.
    In the meantime, I use these forums and last night tried with little success of getting through for the first time to a mental health support line... I'm feeling very isolated and doing ALL I can to reach out. I don't have any friends at all around me and my family either don't 'get it' or are trying to distance themselves from getting dragged under with my issues, which is understandable I guess. If I'm alone and feeling bad, it can feel scary and I don't want things to get worse.
    Sorry for the therapy essay I've given you hahaha!! xxx

    Hey Flo! Thanks for your kind message. Likewise, I'm here if any of you need to talk or just express how you're feeling or anything! Thanks all xxx

    Hi there Angie! Thanks for your message and for the welcome.

    Take care all of you! Wishing you a good week ahead!

    Em xxx

  9. #9
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Galway, Ireland
    Hi there and a very warm welcome to DWD.

    You have explained very well how you are feeling, and your reasons for disliking the meds. There are a lot of anti-d's out there it's just a matter of finding the right one for you. Keep talking to your doctor and good luck.

  10. #10
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Jane Austen country
    I'm glad you're seeing your dr but please bring the appt forward if you need to .... re the mirtazapine, obviously you need to talk properly to your dr but it does take time for the body to settle into he medication so it may be worth your while keeping an open mind when you see your dr
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

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