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Thread: Hello *SU TRIGGERS*

  1. #1

    Hello *SU TRIGGERS*

    Hi, after many weeks, I have decided to pluck up the courage and create an account. My husband was diagnosed with depression round about November time. He was prescribed Sertraline 50mg, which has since been increased to 100mg and now 150mg. He was assessed around 4 weeks ago, and is waiting for 1 on 1 talking therapy, but there is still a waiting list of around 14 weeks. There is so much background that goes with this, his father died when he was very young, his fianc died and left him with two young children 12 years ago, and I think this, amongst other stuff has all contributed, to this one big hell hole we now find ourselves in. Oh and he also has cardiac problems, for which he is on a whole load of medication, but that's another story.

    One of the hardest things for me, is the lack of emotion coming from him, he cares about nothing, not even his kids, and basically just wants to join his fianc. I had to hide the paracetamol around 4 weeks ago, after him telling me he had had them in his hands four times in one day, and he had googled to see exactly how many it took to actually have a lethal affect.

    Whatever I seem to say or do seems to make him worse, and a lot of it comes back to being my fault.

    He had just one friend that he met through an online game, who lives overseas. Talking to him does seem to help, but these talks go on for 5/6/7 hours. We have always sat down of a night time with the kids, but now we hardly ever see him. I (stupidly in hindsight), raised the subject last night of how damaging this is to us as a marriage couple and as a family. He has taken it completely out of context. Turned his phone off and refused to turn it back on and hasn't been on his game. I never meant for him to withdraw off everything completely. Now he just wants to sleep. He hasn't eaten all day (despite me making him breakfast (twice!) - it all went in the bin). (I had to force feed him this mornings heart medication - he didn't take any at all last night).

    He had a routine op 3 weeks ago, but unfortunately required CPR 5 minutes after anaesthetic. All is ok now, but his medication has once again been changed, and it is so vital he takes this.


    He refuses to speak to his doctor again, and says if I make an appointment I can go on my own. He is 'done' talking, I don't listen to him and basically he is done.

    I'm in absolute bits. Its our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday. His doctor isn't in until tomorrow, but even if I ring him tomorrow, I doubt I will get far if my husband doesn't want me doing this. I found the number for the mental health people who assessed him. They obviously won't say much to me because of confidentiality. They are sending me some info out about carers.

    I even rang the Samaritans last night, but they just listen. I suppose I just want somebody to give me a manual of how to work through this.

    So basically, I'm trying to keep life normal for his 13 year old (and 20 year old, although she is currently on holiday), he refuses to eat or drink, refuses to talk, refuses to help himself via distraction etc. He won't talk to any professionals. I don't know what to do anymore. Although I have close family around me, they don't know any of this (just easier to be honest), so I don't really have a sounding board myself.

    I left him for a couple of hours this afternoon. I genuinely did not expect him to be here when I got back. I thought he might either have walked or found some paracetomol or something. The relief is just tremendous, although its made me realise I can't live like this.

    I have been on Fluoxetine for around 11 years due to a mini breakdown which was work related. I am fine on a day to day basis in myself. Its just all this with my husband that has turned me into an emotional wreck.

    Seems I have no choice but to play the waiting game. Hoping this appointment for the 1 on 1 therapy will come through soon, but even then, will he go to it? He always said he would, but I don't know any more.

    Thank you for listening xx
    Last edited by Jaquaia; 19-04-17 at 07:02 PM. Reason: Trigger warning added as per DWD procedure

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    I've added a trigger warning, it's nothing to worry about, it's just so if anything you discuss triggers people they can avoid it

    I don't know what to suggest for you. Suzi will be along later, and I'm sure she'll have some great advice as it's her husband who has mental health issues, so she'll be able to speak from the same perspective as you.

    What I will say though is make sure you get some support for you lovely. Even if it's just talking here.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Jaquaia For This Useful Post:

    Blacklab (20-04-17),Suzi (19-04-17)

  4. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. I think you have a couple of priorities you need to focus on, and perhaps step back on some other stuff itms? Priority #1. Keeping him safe, or as much as you can. You make yourself responsible for all his medication and keep everything, inc paracetamol, away from him. This would mean you giving him all his medication and he may not like this, and you may need to trade (more about that later). Priority #2. Getting him to spend some time with the 13 yo. If he likes his games, perhaps suggest he spends half hour a day playing games with his child. He won't have to have a conversation but will have some dad time. Priority #3. Talk. To your dr and your family. You need support right now and you can't deal with this alone.

    The trades? You may have to tell him that you won't try to push him into going to the dr as long as he takes his meds, eats something and drinks. I know it's not ideal but hopefully will be a short term thing before he's ready to talk to someone. Obviously, if he's in danger then you would need to reevaluate. You may also have to sacrifice normal family time right now but it's important the kids know you're there for them. He may need space and peace.

    You're doing an amazing job and obviously love him and the kids. You need to look after yourself and the kids. You can't help your husband and the kids if you're not well
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Paula For This Useful Post:

    Blacklab (20-04-17),Suzi (19-04-17)

  6. #4
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hey sweetheart The pain in your post hit me so hard. I can understand more of what you are going through as I went through the same with Marc. It was finding someone to support me (and our 3 under 5) that changed things for me. It was my health visitor of all people - well she wasn't mine, but she was the lead hv at the time who was called to pick me up from the floor when I broke. She was wonderful and I will tell you what she told me...

    "You need to take of you first. If you don't get the help and support in place for you then you won't be able to look after anyone else." She was right. She also told me to stop walking on eggshells - be compassionate, but know that actually it's OK for you to tell him that you're worried about him or that you want to spend some time with him or anything else.. YOU MATTER. Ask any of the mod team here - they'll all tell you that my no 1 rule is that they have to look after them first...

    Paula is right with the bargaining. If he won't take his meds or eat or drink enough then you'll have to call in his Dr or go and see the dr on his behalf and tell them everything - I did for Marc. He wouldn't go and I knew he needed to see someone - actually I needed him to see someone. It was then that the Dr called on some other pretence and the local mental health team became involved. If you genuinely feel he is a danger to himself or others then you have to do what is necessary - be aware that being a danger to himself is just as important...

    Remember - he is still your husband and he is still in there.. Atm he isn't going to be acting like him - every breath, every fibre of him is fighting the urges he is having and fighting against the treacle of depression...

    Talk. Talk. Talk...
    You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  7. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Suzi For This Useful Post:

    Blacklab (20-04-17),Jaquaia (19-04-17),Paula (19-04-17)

  8. #5
    Thank you so much. I am so sorry, I didn't realise. I had seen 'Triggers' on a few posts but didn't know what they meant. Hope I didn't cause any distress before you got to it x

  9. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Blacklab View Post
    Thank you so much. I am so sorry, I didn't realise. I had seen 'Triggers' on a few posts but didn't know what they meant. Hope I didn't cause any distress before you got to it x
    Sorry this is for Jaquaia.

    Please bear with me while I get to grips with this forum!

  10. #7
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    It's nothing to worry about! Even us mods slip up from time to time!
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  11. #8
    I just want to say thank you so much for the replies. The kindness coming through has me reading this forum with tears in my eyes. So much has made sense to me already and in particular 'bargaining/trading'. That is definitely one to try.

    I have to say though, since doing the original post, things have improved 'slightly'. He switched his phone on around 5pm and straightaway his phone went off, so he went upstairs. He was only talking for around 2 hours. When he came down, I asked if he would have something to eat and he did, which for today is huge progress from how we started off. He went on the phone again around 8ish, and came down around 11.30pm. He said he fell asleep, not sure if he did or not. He's gone to bed now. Just before he went, I asked if he would please take his night time tablets and he did it there and then. So onwards and upwards.

    I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I know that I have to back off, if he chooses to spend 6 hours talking on the phone, then that surely has to be better than having him sat next to me, unresponsive, uncommunicative and contemplating suicide (as I am pretty sure he was doing earlier on). We are far from out of the woods, but you lovely people in my computer, may have just shone a little light out in my very long, very dark tunnel, so thank you xx

  12. #9
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    That's awesome! Sometimes the babysteps can make the world of difference x
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to Jaquaia For This Useful Post:

    Blacklab (20-04-17)

  14. #10
    Jaquaia, I'm going to sound thick now, and I understand why you have triggers, but can you tell me in what instances I need to highlight any future posts with it please.

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