Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: Dealing w boyf's depression in new relationship

  1. #1

    Dealing w boyf's depression in new relationship

    Hi. I'm new here but I guess I hope to find some support from people in a similar position or who have experienced this. I have already realised that I'M going to need help/support ...

    I met my boyfriend through an online dating website at the end of January this year. We hit it off instantly and I have fallen head over heels in love with him. I'm 38 and he is 49 so we are not kids!

    I knew from the start that he was dealing with a lot ... a messy/nasty divorce from ex-wife ... access battles to be able to see his step-daughter ... elderly and ill parents who live 200 miles away ... stresses at work ...

    However as time has gone on it has become increasingly apparent that he just isn't coping and that he is depressed. He has been to the doctor once who suggested anti-depressants which he has resisted at the moment. He has however been to a session of counselling and wants to continue with this.

    Against the advice of my closest friends I have made the decision to stick by him. I love him and I desperately want to fight to keep our relationship going ... against the odds I suppose, especially as it is so early in our relationship. So I am reading everything I can and trying hard to be the support that he needs. But I can't pretend not to be terrified ...

    Anyone out there to hold my hand? Share stories? Chat?
    Thanks in advance x

  2. #2
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Galway, Ireland
    Posts
    12,991
    I'll just say hello, and welcome to DWD.

    I can relate to the elderly parents, as both my mother (who has dementia), and my dad (who has end stage COPD) are both living about 45 minutes away from me. Both in their 80's and being looked after by my 2 sisters. Very difficult to even go and visit because I'm so afraid that something will happen to either of them while I'm there. I'd rather not be around them, but I feel that I have to do my bit. I don't know if any of this helps, but like I said before welcome to DWD.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to magie06 For This Useful Post:

    Eclipse78 (18-04-17)

  4. #3
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Location
    Hiding under the Duvet
    Posts
    16,146
    Hi and welcome to DWD. There will be times when he will want to be left alone and to get away from the social pressures or just work things out for himself. There will also be times when he's struggling and needs support yet still pushes you away. It's a bit of a mine field and hard to know when to be there and when step back. I think it's great that you don't want this to come between and want to work with it, I'm assuming he feels the same.
    Last edited by Stella180; 17-04-17 at 07:56 PM.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Stella180 For This Useful Post:

    Eclipse78 (18-04-17)

  6. #4
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    South Yorkshire
    Posts
    26,764
    Hi and welcome to DWD

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Angie For This Useful Post:

    Eclipse78 (18-04-17)

  8. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Jane Austen country
    Posts
    34,028
    Hi and welcome. I think it's amazing how hard you're trying to make this work, and I doff my hat to you and it is possible to have a successful relationship with someone who suffers from depression - my mother does it, my husband does it and, like you, they both put their all into keeping things going when mine and my dad's illness make it very difficult. It requires endless patience, resilience and a lot of love.

    But I don't think anyone would tell you is easy. There are times when I've done everything possible to push my husband away, where I've not had the energy, motivation or willingness to put anything into our marriage, where he's had to do everything for us, our home and our children - while trying to keep the bills paid too.

    Sweetie, you need to be very, very sure you want to do this. Because if you're not, it'll finish your relationship anyway. However, if you do get through this, your relationship will be a lot stronger (refined gold and all that)
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  9. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Paula For This Useful Post:

    Eclipse78 (18-04-17),Stella180 (17-04-17)

  10. #6
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    63,860
    Hi and welcome. In our relationship, it's my husband who has depression, anxiety, paranoia, social phobia, agrophobia and I do whatever I can to be by his side so he doesn't have to be fighting on his own. We've been together for over 18 years... It's not easy, but it's do-able...
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Suzi For This Useful Post:

    Eclipse78 (18-04-17)

  12. #7
    Thank you for all the responses so far ��

    Quote Originally Posted by Stella180 View Post
    I'm assuming he feels the same.
    Yes ... he says he wants me in his life and that he loves me too. He's vocalised concerns over the impact his mood swings etc have on me ... but I have said that sticking by him is my choice to make ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Paula View Post
    Sweetie, you need to be very, very sure you want to do this.
    I don't think I have been MORE sure of anything for a long long time. Have been quite stressed/emotional about it all over the last couple of weeks (away from him, of course) but since I made a decision and we talked about it last night I feel SO much calmer and resolute. Not sure if that makes sense?

  13. #8
    SuperWoman Stella180's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Location
    Hiding under the Duvet
    Posts
    16,146
    I've been single for pretty much 4 years. I had got it in my head that no one would want me and that I was too much trouble for anyone to take on and for many other reasons was convinced I was better off alone. Anyway I few months back I hooked up with a guy but it never worked out. I learned a lot in the short time that we were together. As nice as it was to have someone who cared, accommodating someone else in my life was really difficult. I thought I'd got to grips with my mood swings but I was wrong. I just didn't have anyone to react to. It's safe to say that I really am better off on my own cos being with someone else will only hurt the two of us. That doesn't mean that having depression means you can't have a loving relationship, it's just a really hard thing to try and balance, and I don't envy you but I do hope it works for you.
    ‘The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.'
    J. M. Barrie

  14. #9
    Hello and welcome. I am certainly here for hand holding. It's tough I can't lie, but it's people like Suzi (above), who makes me see it is doable. I've been with my husband 12 years although depression is new to us x

  15. #10
    Just wanted to pop on and say thank you for all the support. Sadly my boyfriend's father passed away and he has chosen to end our relationship. He has done it BECAUSE he cares for me and doesn't want be 'bogged down' by someone with so much to deal with I am heartbroken but for now I think I have to respect his choice and do my best to carry on. Maybe a little way down the line he will be 'ready' ... only time will tell ... xx

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •