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Thread: I am unsure how to feel

  1. #1

    I am unsure how to feel

    Um hello.
    So a few weeks ago my boyfriend was saying how he used to have depression (self diagnosed) before he met me and how I've fixed it cause I'm so amazing, etc etc. As a kind of extra note, he has asperger's so kind of exihibits normal behaviour for that (of which several parts overlap with depression symptoms). I say how I haven't really done anything, etc, but if I've helped then I'm super happy about it and I'm glad it's in the past.

    Suddenly today he says that he's still depressed.
    And I just... I don't know.
    I've been looking up a lot of stuff and I can't find any examples of anyone who didn't have any idea. Most people know something is up
    Either he doesn't have something as strong as depression, or he's held a lot back from me. I imagine the latter.

    I just... I've always condsidered us a really good couple, and love how honest we are with each other and most importantly how well we communicate. It's something I think a good couple really needs, and I thought I had that.
    I feel kind of... betrayed? That there's obviously this large part of him that has been kept from me.
    He lies to a lot of people and whilst it's not necessarily a lie, I thought I was special enough to him to open up to.
    He still hasn't talked to me about any of it.

    I tried talking to him about it, but he got angry that it's a bad time to bring up my problems. If he's always depressed then I can't really think of a good time.
    He then says that obviously he's not been well lately, aside from that one time, nothing has been any different. I told him this and it seemed to only make him more mad, he hasn't opened up to me at all.
    I just wanted to tell him how I felt because I think bottling up your emotions is so bad.
    Although it does feel like I'm never allowed to be upset anyway. I definitely can't get angry around him.

    Maybe it's selfish of me to want support, I do want him to get support and he is going to the doctor about it, but I have no friends to talk to.
    I understand I'm probably being horribly insensitive. I'm sorry, guys. I hope you all have fantastic lives.

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Oh sweetheart. Depression affects those around us as well and you are as entitled to support as he is. Feel free to talk to us, you'll find that not everyone on here is the one who's been diagnosed, but they're family or friends who support those who have depression. Ideally, he needs to go see his doctor
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, it's not rare for people who suffer from mental health problems to hide as much as possible from their loved ones. It's a combination of shame, wanting to protect our friends and family, and denial. So it may not be that he's intentionally held this back from you. It may be that he's now got to the point where he's incapable of hiding it. I'd been depressed for over a decade before I was so ill I couldn't hide it anymore.

    But Jaq's right, it's not right that we have a negative impact on those around us. You need to be able to talk to him without him getting angry. Maybe it'd be easier after he's seen the dr as the appointment may be weighing on his mind? In the meantime, take a look at the Time to Change website http://www.time-to-change.org.uk. It may help you understand the illness and it's symptoms a little better
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  4. #4
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. I was in your situation almost exactly, but we had 3 children together and had been together for 7 years. As it happens, we kept talking and kept on talking and going to Dr's appointments together and counselling together as it was so much more helpful as I would interject with things he either didn't want or couldn't talk about and I learnt more about how he was feeling... We're still together now and will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary (we've been together for 18 years almost) and we still deal with it all together. Keep talking lovely. But remember - your feelings are just as valid and important as his.
    You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  5. #5
    Hi and welcome

  6. #6
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome

  7. #7
    Thank you for the responses, guys. I was really glad to get such nice comments, thank you.

    Paula I've checked out the website, I actually was browsing it earlier as I saw it linked a lot here, thank you for linking it here too. And your thoughts from your own experience have helped as well - thank you!

    I guess it just makes me sad that we have such mature conversations, often about difficult things (e.g I love that we can talk about his asperger's and how that affects him) so it just seems to hurt that he won't about this? I've looked up lots of symptoms and they really don't seem to be present, or are ones explained by asperger's, so I just have to go off of his word. He spoke to his mother about it for about an hour (no idea what was said though), and considering she's the one who made him sad recently, I guess that kind of hurt. I've tried to be so supportive of his aspergers and whatnot, and I know he knows that I love him, so it kind of hurts that I'm not really told first - or at all? I don't know, that's just an issue I have in general, it feels like no values me enough to tell me things first.

    Saying that we will be meeting up in a few hours, hopefully we can talk then. I just don't want to have some sort of weird untalked about thing betwen us, communication is so important in a relationship and I want to keep it that way. I want to be able to tell him everything I've said here - and usually I can. I just am terrified that he'll get upset at me again, and it leaves me just feeling neauseated all morning, it's a horrible feeling.

    Sorry, I guess I'm just blabbing at this point. Thank you so much everyone who commented to take some time out of your day to read my worries ^^;

  8. #8
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Sometimes just getting everything out can help so much. So keep doing it. You'll always find support here
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

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  10. #9
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Absolutely keep talking. It will help lovely..
    You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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    OkayThen (18-03-17)

  12. #10
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
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    Just a thought Okay then, would you keep a diary of symptoms and moods of your friend, for a couple of weeks? It might help you notice a pattern or when the moods are at their worst. I understand that you want to be of as much support as you can, but don't forget to look after yourself too.

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