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Thread: Depressed partner has ended it... Again

  1. #1

    Unhappy Depressed partner has ended it... Again

    I'd been with my now ex boyfriend for almost 4 years before we split for the final time this weekend.
    The problems were never as severe within the first couple of years, but I was very aware of his demons.
    He often said to me that he felt dead and empty inside, the only problem was that whenever I spent time with him (we were long distance) I could never see it or truly appreciate it as physically to me he was so happy.
    Last year, around February out of the blue he told me he could no longer be with me and that he felt guilty for wasting my time (I should also point out we have a 10 year age gap) and that he would never marry me or want children due to his hatred for the world. When I say out of the blue, it was a different man that I could not recognise, cold and emotionless as he told me all the reasons we couldn't be together.
    I didn't really understand the severity of depression at this point and reacted like a 'normal' person so to speak and said "fine" - why would I want to be with someone who clearly didn't want to be with me? And we didn't speak for 5 months.
    I was heartbroken and by this point I definitely left the "door open" as I had no understanding as to what really had just happened.
    Anyway time moved on and I didn't, and somehow we ended communicating again. I remember walking back to my desk and finding a two page email as to how low he was really feeling- I had no idea. I met up with him several times after that, but it was his comedown after Glastonbury that really bought all his emotions back- he was a mess. I found out that during our 5 month break, that he had been seeing another girl for a couple of weeks. This broke me. We broke up for him to be alone and he found someone else. He explained to me this soon fizzled out as he openly explained to her he was never over me and they had a big fight about her wanting him to remove me off social media. Still it hurt.
    We carried on, he took antidepressants and did amazing trips together. He treated me to holidays and really made a huge effort for my birthday. He openly expressed his love for me which he had really struggled with in the past and I really felt that the break had made us stronger.
    Anyway fast forward a year later, and after a romantic break in which he had surprised me with. and almost to the exact day last year, he has ended it with me again. He often expressed to me that he needed to "go away" and sort himself out, to be honest I think it was escapism at its finest. We have just spent the weekend in London together. Once again it came out of the blue. He had spent the previous two weeks in Africa with his brother in which he had come to these realisations (I'd like to also point out that his brother has no idea how depressed he is). Emotional was an understatement. I knew the depression "fog" was back and that anything I said/tried to fight for was lost. He told me he had to be by himself and that I deserved so much more- a life with someone who could put me first. I tried to tell him I wasn't going anywhere and that we could get through this again together, but it was pointless.
    He was robotic, but at the same time very emotional (he cried over me deleting him off facebook) and clung to me the whole weekend. I'd like to also point out we broke up on the Saturday and I stayed with him until the Monday. On the Sunday morning I woke up at 4am and just watched him sleeping next to me telling myself that it couldn't be it. I should have left the next day but I needed answers.
    I spent the whole of Sunday analysing him every way I could, it helped me to realise that this guy didn't even know his own decisions or what he was saying - everything was a huge contradiction.
    When we said goodbye, I found it hard to cry even though he was in bits. We cut contact and I deleted him off social media as I know how much he watched what I did- this had to be for good this time. After some serious reflection the last two nights, I felt relief that he had done something I should have done ages ago. I just couldn't leave him because I thought he needed me.
    I feel guilty that he is now truly alone, but I cant do anymore for him whilst this "fog" clogs his brain once more.
    I've started the process of "closing the door" because it started to effect my own mental health, and he needs to work this out by himself. I hope in the future we can be friends because we have a great bond with each other, but for now I need to take active steps of moving forward and regaining the person I was before depression engulfed us both. I can't do this "break" on an annual basis- it's killing me.
    Is anyone else at the same beginning? Am I right to cut contact and leave him by himself? I know he won't talk to me for months and months possibly years because honestly, I think he's waiting for me to "break" and to buy into the whole misery monologue and depression show once again X

  2. #2
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. You sound like you're really going through things right now. Have you sorted somewhere to stay etc? Have you spoken to your friends and family about how things are?
    Is he still taking his meds?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #3
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD.

  4. #4
    Knight of Spamswotting by Highest order of Chufty Badges Jarre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by These Days View Post
    I was wondering how he "ended it" more than once, but now I see what "it" means.
    Which prooves the point to always read something through properly and not make assumptions from titles.

    Welcome to DWD Sadicorn
    Sometimes you have to start looking after you
    , you can't keep going backwards and forwards like on a bungy because it does not do you any good and how harsh it sounds you need to start looking after you and do something for you and move on. How many more times will you go back to only have him possibly end it again later on its not a healthy situation (based on how you have described the situation) and as suzi has pointed out above this means making sure you have a safe place to go and a support network around you to help you.


  5. #5
    Hi and welcome. As has been said...I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. By the sound of it, you've been a loyal, helpful and supportive partner. But as Jarre and Suzi say, I believe it's time now to think about your own emotional and mental well being. The last thing you want is to end up going down the same road. You have a life to live and should be looking forward to 'good things' in it. Relationships like this can sometimes end up an unhealthy habit and a vicious circle, with you always picking up the pieces and trying to put together something that is never going to be right and complete. Look after you for a change. You owe it to yourself.

  6. #6
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by These Days View Post
    I was relieved that "it" wasn't suicide. I thought it was from the thread title.
    Quote Originally Posted by These Days View Post
    Glad he didn't top himself. I thought "ended it" meant suicide. Phew!
    Almost the same comment twice. Please move on.
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  7. #7
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

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