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Thread: The kids are alright?

  1. #1

    The kids are alright?

    Finally reaching out for help after 4 years of living with my wife who developed depression after having our first child. Wanted to post as so many of these posts resonate so strongly but they are all couples, no families. So what do advice do we have when children are involved?

    I don't post this lightly but maybe after 4 years of trying to meet my wife's needs I need to think differently and change focus.

    Don't get me wrong I love my wife, but I never see her now as the depression wears a different mask, and I dislike that mask vehemently. I try to understand but when you kick a dog a thousand times, no matter how loyal, it doesn't come back. Plus I worry for the future of my children. I had hoped we'd beat this but I now <and that happened today> think that's niaive, this is for life now. So what next?

    Better to be a child with a depressed mother and what that means - we all know that isn't a picnic - or no mother at all? Hobson's choice. I hope I can get some advice. Even better if you are "one of those kids", how do you see it? What did you go through?

    Please note there is no aspect of violence just the verbal manifestation of the anger depression brings.

    I feel so lost....

  2. #2
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    South Yorkshire
    Hi and welcome to DWD

    Firstly has your wife been to see her gp recently. Its not easy for anyone,

  3. #3
    Hero Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    my own universe
    Hi Jockney, what level is the depression your wife has? Can and does she work? Is she able to look after the kids? Do you have any family support? I think it's important to keep communicating between everyone involved. How old are the kids now, the oldest is four? They might not understand what depression is, but it's important to explain that mummy isn't well and that it's not their fault. I think it's a really fine line between accepting "bad" behaviour due to depression and at the same time saying enough is enough. Have you thought about family therapy?

    There are people here who have pression and anxiety, and a family life. I am sure you will get some useful info.

  4. #4
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Surrey. UK
    Hi and welcome. I hope I can help you. I had to make a similar decision when my children were younger and their father, my partner at the time. He had a complete breakdown and I was trying to deal with everything, the very traumatic delivery of our son, my first year as a qualified teacher so had to go back to work when he was 4 months old, all that guilt and I was on my own dealing with it - there were many "oh we'll come and help" and similar, but no one actually came. My support network was me, and a few friends I had met on a parenting forum.
    Everyone around me told me to leave him - his own mother said to stick by him, but if I couldn't then as long as she still saw her grandchild then it would work out...
    I ended up giving up the job I loved and became his full time carer even though he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore or not....

    The long and the short of it is that I stayed with him and we have bought our children up to know that depression is a real thing and that it's more than being sad and that I have physical disabilities, Daddy has issues with his mental health. It's not been easy, but, for us, I think I made the right call. I've found things better over the last 10 years since we started DWD so I have somewhere I can talk and not be judged and I don't have to pretend about anything.
    The most important thing is to talk, talk, and talk some more. Talk to your wife, talk to your children - how old are they? We started with the story of the little bag of worries and built it up from there. Talk to the school. Talk here,

    No decision is easy, this one certainly isn't - but it's one that you should do through talking and talking...
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  5. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Jane Austen country
    Hi and welcome. I just want to comment on what I see as the most important question you ask. The future of your children. They'll be ok. My children are now 19 and 15 and I've suffered with depression all their lives. And my kids are more than ok - they're wonderful, kind, compassionate, strong young women who any parent could be proud of. And one of the reasons for that is because they've learnt that, no matter what happens, if you love each other and support each other, it'll be ok.
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  6. #6
    Same goes for my two boys. They grew up with me and depression and they turned out fine. I hope you begin to get the help you need it wont be an easy journey but it will be a positive one for you and your family, if you make the effort together your children will be fine.
    Talking is so important.

    “I said a hip hop
    Hippie to the hippie
    The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it out
    Bubba to the bang bang boogie, boobie to the boogie…

  7. #7
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Galway, Ireland
    Hi and welcome. I would just like to say like the others, that it is important to talk. It's so important.

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