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Thread: Depressed boyfriend broke up w me *SU TRIGS*

  1. #1

    Depressed boyfriend broke up w me *SU TRIGS*

    I dated my boyfriend for 3 months but it was enough to fall madly in love with each other. I had never been in love before or dated but it was very pure, true love. We talked constantly and shared ideas, plans, had a healthy relationship full of love, respect and trust. If problems arose, we discussed it like two mature people who really care about each other do.
    In october, he stopped taking his medications all by himself because he run out of prescription. Things were ok until he started watching a very depressive tv show and started to fall into a crisis. Suddenly, his grandma fell very ill and he asked for a break, he still loved me but he couldnt handle the relationship at the moment. During the break he would start discussions about how no one on except me/his parents liked him, that he had no friends, asking me why no one liked him and what made him a disgusting person. And I would try to argue with him about the veracity if these things. His grandma died and it was hard for him. He couldnt stop talking about suicide. One day he seemed on the verge of suicide and I could not handle it anymore. I called his mom and told her about it and that he needed his medication back. The next day they got the prescription and he started taking it.
    A week later he broke up with me. Said he was confused about how he loved me (friend or girlfriend) and he didnt think he could be in a relationship right now and thought he was bad for me. I said it was ok and I would be there for him as his friend (he asked for). This made me very sad and lost. He became distant, even if he said he wanted to be close. When we talked he wouldnt say anything significant like he used to. The night before his birthday we went to a party with friends and he was aloof, one moment he said by mistake on the phone "Im alone" even though I was besides him - I still don't understand. At the party, I got drunk and we started to talk. I dont remember it all, but I tried to kiss him and he said it wouldnt be good for us. I got away and started crying while friends consoled me. One told me i should go have fun and kiss other people. I did so and my ex saw and got very upset by this, according to friends.
    Two days ago he texted me asking if I was disappointed with him. I didnt answer right away and he became very aggressive and said he was mad that I kissed someone else/said I was going to someone else to his face and that I had no respect for him and he would be upset even if he didnt like me anymore. This came as a surprise because until now I didnt knew he still liked me (many times he said he was confused about his feelings and many people said it was hard to understand how he felt) and I said so to him. We discussed more, he told me he liked me less after I kissed asome dude because it finally became obvious to him what I wanted (sex, which we never had because of distance and time)/who I wanted. I said he was wrong about that, I didnt give a about sex nor the guy and that I loved him and wanted him only.
    He said that dating was hard, dating me was especially hard because he felt guilty about the feeling that he was making me too concerned with what happens to him, that I was like a force of nature to him and he cant handle, if he was well he would feel very privileged but right now he cant take it and doesnt know when he will. That someone else more ordinary would be more suited for him. He said he broke up because of his feeling that he wasnt doing what is best for me. That he was in moment of recovery and needed to be alone for a while. I said it was fine and I only wished for his recovery and happiness, but also mine because he was treating me very bad. But that he still liked me (he never said love only like) and he didnt care if I believed it or not, it wouldnt make a difference because he was not coming back (I think "right now" was implied, but Im not sure).
    At the moment he is very distant and only talk to me about our college work together, doesnt answer right away my messages or at all, just reads it. I dont know if is the best for me to keep talking to him and being his friend being as in love with him as I am. I would probably just get too excited and hopeful, as if it meant he still loves me and wants to be my boyfriend again.
    I dont understand what he is feeling guilty about and how dating me is so hard when only tried to give him comfort and help. And what he feels for me. And what should I do and how should I act. Right now he is a little better more than 3 weeks back into his medication but not well enough. Im not in a hurry, I just dont wish to feel so bad anymore and that feeling wont go away if I keep clinging to the idea that he'll be better and come back.
    Last edited by Jaquaia; 15-12-16 at 04:34 AM. Reason: Trigger warning added as per DWD procedure

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Ps: A friend of mine with whom he identifies a lot said to me that the love he felt for me was so intense it was bad for him and thats why he broke up And that he kept looking for reasons that would make me leave so he left on his own.
    Last edited by Jaquaia; 15-12-16 at 04:34 AM. Reason: Last part of original post
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  3. #3
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you discuss suicide. Nothing to worry about, it's just standard practice Not sure why it wouldn't all repost once I edited the title so added it underneath your post.

    I don't know what to say really. I think it can be very hard to support a person with depression, especially if you have no experience of it as it can be difficult to understand. Have a look at the time to change website, it should help you to understand more about it.

    Depression can be a very nasty illness. A lot of people think it's just feeling sad, but it's not. It can be feeling numb, feeling irritable, lethargic, angry. You don't necessarily think logically so if your mind tells you that you're an awful person then you believe it. I know I can be very difficult to support when I'm at my worst as I shut down and push everyone away and use unhealthy coping mechanisms. You can feel alone in a room full of people, I often do. Ii's a hard one to explain really. I feel like no one understands, like I have to do things alone because if I opened up to people they would think I was crazy or attention seeking. I feel like I don't want to show people how vulnerable I really am and that can be incredibly lonely.
    Depression can be exhausting. Letting others in can be difficult, trying to pretend you're ok takes all your energy. Even the basics like getting out of bed can feel impossible some days. It's not you, it's the illness.

    But lovely, and this is very important, you must look after you first. Support him if you want to by all means, just not to the detriment of your own health and wellbeing. You are just as important.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  4. #4
    Thank you very much for your kindness and sorry for the trouble!

    The whole time i was with him (and even now) I read as much as I can about depression and how to be a positive person in his life (and not to waste knowledge, a positive person all around). I understand things being difficult for him, I always have, but I would like to understand what position I should take because I'm not certain what he wants from me (is it distance because he broke up with me? Or isn't because even if he broke-up he wants me near or seemed to want?). The signs I take from him are very clear "stay away, not interested in talking to you" but I don't know if I'm doing right in listening to them.

    I'm trying to take care of myself but sometimes I just fail miserably at this.

  5. #5
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. It's so hard being on the other side of depression. My husband has depression and other associated MH illness and I know that there have been times when he has told me he doesn't know if he loves me or our children...
    What I would do is to write him a letter and just tell him how you feel. It's important. Your emotions and the way that you are feeling is important.
    I would suggest that at least part of the way he is feeling is down to the way that he is seeing things right now, which is not necessarily how things really are...
    You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  6. #6
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi Hunni and welcome. You don't mention your age but, as you talk about college, Im going to make the assumption you're fairly young. What I am not going to say is you can't love someone when you're young or in just 3 months because I did both and was married at 19.

    Jaq has give you some excellent insights into how your friend might be feeling and I can't really add to that. What I do want to say to you is, whatever happens, you're important and you cannot allow this to destroy you - you have to look after yourself and inject some happiness into your life
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    Hi and welcome. It's so hard being on the other side of depression. My husband has depression and other associated MH illness and I know that there have been times when he has told me he doesn't know if he loves me or our children...
    What I would do is to write him a letter and just tell him how you feel. It's important. Your emotions and the way that you are feeling is important.
    I would suggest that at least part of the way he is feeling is down to the way that he is seeing things right now, which is not necessarily how things really are...
    I told him that I was still in love with him and wanted to be with him during the conversation we had but he only answered me that the decision was taken and even if he still likes me, he can't be with me right now. I fear writing a letter and making him feel pressured, to the point that he'll go even further away.
    He seems better, with the medication and going to a therapist. I don't know if I can't blame only depression for his decision and mantaining it.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Paula View Post
    Hi Hunni and welcome. You don't mention your age but, as you talk about college, Im going to make the assumption you're fairly young. What I am not going to say is you can't love someone when you're young or in just 3 months because I did both and was married at 19.

    Jaq has give you some excellent insights into how your friend might be feeling and I can't really add to that. What I do want to say to you is, whatever happens, you're important and you cannot allow this to destroy you - you have to look after yourself and inject some happiness into your life
    Hi, thank you!
    I'm 20 years old and he is 19.
    I'm trying to stay alive and do things that I like but sometimes nothing works to make me happy. I just keep obsessing all day long about him and what he feels for me and if he will come back when he feels better or if he will just forget about everything. We used to get along so well, we were so comfortable and happy in each other's presence, he also became my best friend. I miss him terribly and it's hard for me to imagine a life with someone else that it's not him.

  9. #9
    Hi!....it's a difficult position for you to be in and I can understand your frustration and feeling of 'loss'! The thing with depression is - and I think others will agree - that it causes so much mental confusion, loss of memory and feelings, inability to think straight, lack of concentration, wanting to be alone....all the negatives that you can think of! It's all consuming in the wrong way. I think that maybe when he's feeling better and more stable you'll be able to talk together properly again. It's a case of waiting I'm afraid. Putting pressure on him regarding your relationship at this particular time could well be difficult for him.. Having said that, if you were both really happy before his depression, the chances are that he still feels that way, but at the moment he just can't focus on these feelings. I would let him know that you're willing to give him the support and love he wants to help him get better, but not to pressure him and be 'in his face'! Paula's right though...you mustn't throw your life out the window, you must still socialise with friends and go out and try and enjoy yourself. Putting your life on hold won't help your BF. Try and be patient but be kind to yourself too.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Flo View Post
    Hi!....it's a difficult position for you to be in and I can understand your frustration and feeling of 'loss'! The thing with depression is - and I think others will agree - that it causes so much mental confusion, loss of memory and feelings, inability to think straight, lack of concentration, wanting to be alone....all the negatives that you can think of! It's all consuming in the wrong way. I think that maybe when he's feeling better and more stable you'll be able to talk together properly again. It's a case of waiting I'm afraid. Putting pressure on him regarding your relationship at this particular time could well be difficult for him.. Having said that, if you were both really happy before his depression, the chances are that he still feels that way, but at the moment he just can't focus on these feelings. I would let him know that you're willing to give him the support and love he wants to help him get better, but not to pressure him and be 'in his face'! Paula's right though...you mustn't throw your life out the window, you must still socialise with friends and go out and try and enjoy yourself. Putting your life on hold won't help your BF. Try and be patient but be kind to yourself too.
    Hello!
    When we started dating he was already depressed but not so down. He was fine and I could see that our relationship was good for him, I saw a great improvement during it. He stopped his medication and said to me he was still feeling fine and better, just the up and downs were more pronounced. He started to watch Bojack Horseman and it went all downhill, culminating with his grandma death. I am trying to be patient and never once asked him to change his mind, I just think I reacted very bad sometimes because it was very painful to try and be his friend while my heart was so broken. I'm afraid that my actions hurt him and changed his mind (he used to say that he was terrified of having me out of his life) for good.

    At the moment I'm trying to do these things. Go out with friends, do fun things. But when I'm alone it's practically a nightmare in my head.

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