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Thread: Husband depression / postnatal won't get help

  1. #21
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    She comes to bring him food and do his washing? That's really, really weird!
    If he's almost 17 then his choices should be taken into account.....
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  2. #22
    Hero Member rose's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but I wouldn't stand for that. It's your home and she can't just let herself in whenever she feels like it!

  3. #23
    Hi, Just wanted to update my story a little. My Health Visitor did a home visit today. It was good to talk to a neutral person who knows about depression, particularly after having a baby. My family are obviously biased towards me and my feelings, whilst my husbands family are biased towards him so its not often I get a neutral opinion or listener. She listened to what I had to say and although she couldn't wave a magic wand to fix it, her advice felt useful, as does the advice I've had from this site.

    She said that as hard as it is for me, I need to back off and give him chance to help himself whilst making sure I look after my own mind. To let him know I care and I would support him if he needed it to get help but not to try to force him. She said it is important to keep up contact with our daughter and get him to do everyday things with her, like feed her tea or change her. She thinks the connection with our baby will come in its own time if he spends time doing things with her on a regular basis and that if having our daughter was a trigger for his depression, getting that connection might help him.

    With regards to my husband, he seems to have had a mini breakthrough with our daughter. The last few times he has visited, he has made an effort to pick her up from her bouncy chair, which might not sound like much, but before he wouldn't hold her unless I passed her to him. Yesterday when he was leaving, she started to cry (she does this with everyone at the moment if they leave the room). My husband was talking to her, saying it was ok and that she should sit with Mummy. His voice cracked with emotion when he was talking to her which I've never heard before. My stepson said that my husband had text him asking if myself and the baby were ok. That is the first sign of caring what happens to either of us he's shown since he left. I've asked my husband to look after our daughter for a few hours on Friday night whilst I go out with friends from work, which he has agreed to do.

    I'm trying not to feel too encouraged by any of this, as I know it doesn't mean much but I need to have a bit of hope to hang on to or I feel I'll end up being dragged down with him.

  4. #24
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Actually I think that's a really, really positive post!
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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    Julieanne (07-12-16)

  6. #25
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    I think potentially that could mean something. No one can predict the future but, as your HV says, the more contact he has with your daughter, the more connection he will feel.

    Hunni, you're doing everything you can, be proud of yourself
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

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    Julieanne (07-12-16)

  8. #26
    I agree Julieanne. It's good to have an unbiased opinion..and what your HV says is very sensible. It sounds as if he's trying to make the effort. Little steps in the right direction is better than none at all. I don't expect this situation will resolve itself overnight, but it's a very positive start. Well done, and look after yourself. Enjoy your little girl.

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    Julieanne (08-12-16)

  10. #27
    Hero Member rose's Avatar
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    That sounds so positive and I am so pleased for you!
    Last edited by rose; 08-12-16 at 12:04 PM.

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    Julieanne (08-12-16)

  12. #28
    Feeling a bit low tonight. I've been trying to do as my health visitor suggested and back off from my husband. Its really hard. Found myself crying today when I was walking home from the shops and again when I've put the baby to bed. The Health Visitor said to try not to think too far ahead as my husband won't be doing but I Can't help feeling that he is moving further and further away from me though. Its hard not to take it personally when he can't look at me or talk to me and ignores my messages. He collected our daughter today and wouldn't even come in the house, he just waited at the door and didn't reply when I said bye. Yesterday he wanted to take her for a walk after Nursery and I told him she had to come home first as they were doing painting and she would be dirty and need changing. When I came out of the nursery with her, he was hanging about on the street outside and still had to walk back home with us. He hadn't been paid by a contractor he was working for this week and said he was going to go to the guys house to beat him up and didn't care if he got jail time for it (this is not my husband, he's never been in trouble with the police), he was even asking where the baseball bat he had in the garage was. It scared me, that he will do something silly and get hurt.

    He told my stepson that he is fine so long as he is not at our house. Does that mean so long as he's not with me? I've read a lot about depression recently and about how it can make someone cold and appear unfeeling towards their spouse and I'm trying to believe that is what has changed my husband into someone I don't recognise but its hard when I seem to be the centre of what is making him this way.

    My Mother in law is adding to my woes. My brother in law, wife and kids are visiting from Wales this weekend. The mother in law has arranged a meal out but didn't invite me or our daughter. My stepson has been messaging me whilst he's out having the meal as he's upset that we weren't invited. The mother in law asked him why he's texting me when he's out with family. I've told him its ok, me and the baby are fine at home and not to let it spoil his meal but inside I feel betrayed and so hurt that she has turned on me when I already feel so bad.

    Generally not a good week overall.

  13. #29
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Sweetheart, sorry things aren't going well. I feel for you and for your stepson - is he still living with you?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  14. #30
    Hi Suzi, Yes he is still living with me. Nothing has changed really, apart from I'm finding its getting me down more as time ticks on. I feel like screaming in my mother in laws face that she is ignoring the obvious odd behaviour and problems my husband has. I won't though as it won't help. My stepson is frustrated that nobody but me is trying to sort this out.

    I send the odd message to my husband to let him know I'm still thinking of him and miss him. He doesn't reply at all, not even to say stop texting me.

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