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Thread: Husband depression / postnatal won't get help

  1. #11
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    I agree with your Dad too...
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  2. #12
    Hi love...I agree with Paula your Dad is a sensible guy. Yes, you are the mother of the G parents child, so there's no shame there in asking for help!....they're family. Yes, once the little one crawls...there's no turning back..bless her!....one of mine used to roll everywhere!! try and get as much rest as you can.

  3. #13
    Spoken with my mother in law today. Unfortunately it didn't go as I hoped. I explained to her how my husband didn't seem interested in our daughter and wasn't wanting to spend time with her and that I was worried and didn't know what to do to fix it. Her reply was that if he doesn't want the baby, he needs to say so and then we can sell the house and go our separate ways! I tried explaining again about the texts he sent when she was a month old about having a breakdown and that he couldn't cope and that I wished I'd done something about it then. She said "well you didn't do anything about it so its too late now and he must have gone nuts". After that comment I didn't see any point in saying anything else to her.

    My husband has text to cancel coming to see our daughter tonight. Said he is going Xmas shopping for presents for her, which I don't believe for a minute as he hates shopping and does it all online. Just an excuse not to have to see her again I think. I suspect he may be still seeing the woman he cheated on me with. Not on a regular basis as he's always at his mums, but he was seen out by someone after he said he wasn't seeing her anymore. I've just messaged her husband to let him know. Probably not the right thing to do but I'm so angry and needed to do something.

    I've spoken with my health visitor and she is going to come and make a home visit to see me. Not sure she can help much with my husband but maybe she can help me.

  4. #14
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Oh hunni, I'm sorry . Ok, I think it's time to let your husband do whatever he needs to do and to focus on you and the kids. You've tried but you can't force your husband to get help. And if his mother refuses to believe you, then you have to find a way of not letting what she's says hurting you.

    I think what I'm trying to say is that you need to protect yourself and the kids from the fallout and that means building a protective shield around you, if you can. It's going to be really tough for a while, lovely, but you're strong and you can do this
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Paula For This Useful Post:

    Flo (30-11-16)

  6. #15
    Hero Member rose's Avatar
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    Hey Julieanne
    My dad left my mum when I was 21. We had always been very close and he just suddenly cut me off and didn't speak to me more than about 3 times for the next 8 or so years. I was told he was probably having a breakdown, as if that excused everything he did, and it was hard, because I didn't know if the problem was with him or me. This is something I haven't really talked about much here, despite being a long time member, but my story resonated so much with your situation I wanted to comment.
    My advice is to make sure it's clear to your husband that he can see his daughter whenever he wants, and then leave it. Don't push him to make plans, it only leaves you disappointed and frustrated and angry. The mother-in-law sounds useless too so I wouldn't bother with her again; she is missing out on her grandaughter's life. Your husband is a grown man and should go to the doctors if he doesn't feel well. I know, you love him, you want to support him, but look at what he has done, he has put his pride before you and your daughter, and his other child too!
    Just make sure your daughter knows she is loved, and it was nothing she did wrong. You have your own family, your daughter and your stepson, and you don't need him.

  7. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to rose For This Useful Post:

    Flo (30-11-16),Julieanne (30-11-16),Paula (30-11-16),Suzi (30-11-16)

  8. #16
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but I agree with the others - having a mh illness doesn't give someone carte blanche to go ahead and act like a complete b*****d.... Right now you need to focus on you and your baby. I don't know what to suggest about his son though - whether he wants to stay with you or not - and tbh he shouldn't be expecting you to look after him!
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  9. #17
    Hi Rose, Thank you very much for sharing your story. Its good to hear from the point of view of a daughter as mine is too small to tell me how she feels about any of this. I can't get my head around why he doesn't love our beautiful baby girl as much as I do. She is a good baby and looks like him. I will make sure she knows she is loved and it was not to do with her, but her fathers problems as to why he left.

    I do still love him as its hard for me to reconcile the person he's being now with the husband I know and have spent years with. That doesn't mean I can ignore his appalling behaviour though. He made his own choices that led us to here.

    I don't know what to do about my stepson as he doesn't want to live with his Grandparents. To add to the difficulties and complications, last year when I was pregnant, he told me that he is gay. He told his Dad around the same time, but his dad told him his heart was breaking because of it. My husband has been in denial about it since then and makes comments about him finding a girlfriend at college when he knows full well he is gay. My stepson has recently started a relationship with a guy he met at a party from college which he has told me about, but his Dad and my mother and father in law know nothing about it. The In laws do not know he is gay. Whilst he is not my child, I've know him since he was 8 years old and we are quite close, so its hard to distance myself and leave the responsibility for him to his Dad and grandparents.

    I am waiting for my health visitor to call me with a date for a home visit. I will ask if it is possible for me to have some counselling of some sort to help me get my head around all of this. I'm trying my best to be strong for my daughter and stepson but it is hard when my life is falling apart around my ears.

  10. #18
    Hero Member rose's Avatar
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    To be honest, I quite like the idea of the stepson being with you, he can help you out with his little sister. As long as you are not expected to pay for his upkeep, it might be nice to have him around!
    Your husband sounds like he is being very selfish right now, towards everyone.... and you have bigger things to worry about than a grown man who won't go to the doctor. You deserve a man who cherishes you and stands by his children.

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    Suzi (30-11-16)

  12. #19
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    If things are that bad for your Stepson then maybe you are the best person to have him! How old is he?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  13. #20
    Hi Suzi,

    He is 16 now, he'll be 17 in June. He lived with his Dad from being 3 years old, until we got married. During the time it was just him and his dad, his Grandparents did a lot with him and find it hard to let go now he's older. Even after we married, the mother in law would come round and root through the washing basket to find my stepsons washing so she could do it. She comes round to clean his room and brings him food everyday (a lot of which ends up in the bin as he doesn't eat it). She's a bit of a control freak. She calls him her baby and favourite grandchild (she has 7 other grandchildren including my daughter).

    I got on quite well with her before all this happened but we had never had any conflict before. I don't think she has helped my husband at all in this mess.

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