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Thread: Husband depression / postnatal won't get help

  1. #41
    Thought I'd add an update as a couple of months have gone by... it is my daughters first birthday on Monday, can't believe its gone so quickly!

    My husband is still living at his Mothers and has still not opened up and talked to anyone. He calls round on his way home from work for 10 or 15 minutes in the week, it usually ends up being when myself and my stepson are eating tea. His son has asked me why he calls round and why he just stands there staring and not speaking when we are eating. I don't have an answer for him. On weekends he pushes our daughter round to his Mums for an hour or so. He has been drinking a lot and is back to gambling more again. I have tried bringing up the subject of depression and what has been changing and bothering him. I emailed him some booklets I got from the Doctors. He got snappy with me about it so I backed off. I've no idea if he read the booklets or just deleted them.

    My Mother in law seems to have had a dose of reality after having him stay with her for a few months. She called me getting upset on the phone about him coming in drunk and being bad tempered all the time. He doesn't speak to them and apart from sitting with them to eat tea, he is sitting in the bedroom every night with the light off and telly on. She said he is ratty all the time and everything he says in negative. She says he is not himself and there is something wrong. I resisted the urge to say "I told you so" as I want her to help. She thinks it would be wrong of him to make big decisions at the moment as he is clearly not right. She is going to try to pick a good time, if there is one and speak to him about his feelings when our daughter was born and what is bothering him. I hope she has some success in getting him to at least talk.

    A few weeks ago, I found out he had met up with the woman he cheated with. I went mad when he next came round and told him a few home truths about his behaviour and how disgusted I was with him. I didn't hold back and probably went a bit overboard. His not being able to speak to me and looking at the floor probably made me worst and I lost it. The woman is married and still with her husband so it is going nowhere. I don't know what he is getting from her, because he hasn't told her the truth about himself at all. His Mum thinks it is an escape because this woman doesn't know him, he can lie to her and pretend he is someone different because she'll never know. During my rant at him about this trollop, I asked if he would like me to find someone else, a new husband and father for our daughter if he didn't want us anymore. This seemed to sink in with him more than anything else I've said. The following weekend he started messaging me late at night not making much sense. He said he remembered things but it was no use. I asked him what he meant and he said he remembered about when we first met 18 years ago. He was thinking back to our first date and a little teddy he bought me and the first time he kissed me. Since then he has said lots of things about how I could have done better than him and he hasn't taken care of me the way he should and he is no use. He is worried that our daughter will never forgive him and he has a massive amount of guilt about not being here. He said he will try to help out with her but he is no use (this isn't true, as he brought his 17 year old son up by himself). That seems to be a theme of what he says, he is no use at anything and no use for any of us. I've tried telling him this isn't true but I don't think he believes me.

    As for me, I've got an initial assessment appointment to have some counselling for myself in a couple of weeks. As time has gone on and I've exhausted ways I could think of to get my husband to listen, I've begun to struggle to control my feelings. I've cried on the way to work (it takes nearly a two hour drive, so its a lot of time to think) and nearly cried at work a few times. I've been angry at him for cheating, angry at the other woman for lying to me and poking her trollops nose in our marriage, sad for myself and for our daughter, sad for him and how he feels (or doesn't feel), frustrated that I can't help him. It all seems to get muddled in my head now so I thought it best to get some help if I can. I'd love to be able to forget him and leave him to it, but that isn't going to happen. I love him and can't give up on him. Not sure what I can do but I will keep trying anything I can think of and keep hoping for a miracle.

    Julie x

  2. #42
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    A 2 hour commute? That's a long time in your day just travelling. No wonder your mind is wandering... And with nowhere for the negativity to go.... I'm not surprised you are struggling with all of that lovely. Would it be easier for you if he had set visiting times so to speak? At least it would be more social than when you are eating and he isn't! What about his son? Does he see him at all?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #43
    Hi Suzi, Thanks for the reply.

    I work 28 miles from home, which was ok before I had the baby as I could set off at 6am and it took 50 minutes. Now I have to drop her at nursery which doesn't open until 7.30, I get stuck in the rush hour traffic which is a nightmare and regularly takes 2 hours. I usually take advantage of having no baby in the car to have the radio on full blast but it doesn't stop me thinking the whole way there.

    I've thought about laying down some rules about when my husband visits, but anytime I've tried to he takes it the wrong way and thinks we don't want him to come round at all. He's very touchy and takes what people say the wrong way. The visits at tea time and when he picks our daughter up are really the only times he sees his son, unless he has to take him to College parents evening or shopping for clothes once or twice. He has said to me that his son doesn't need him and he can't do anything for him as he's "no use". This is very sad to see as he brought him up on his own from the age of 3 and doted on him. His son has started to ask me, as the responsible parent, if he wants to go places or do things but I've tried to encourage him to still involve his Dad. His son's opinion is that his Dad walked out on us all, has behaved badly and shouldn't have done, so why should he be involved if he's not going to get some help. I've tried to discuss it with him and explain that his Dad is having problems and doesn't mean to push everyone away. My stepson has done some research himself on depression and has chatted on a forum for teenagers about it also. He asked me if it was ok to do that. I told him of course it was and that talking about it was good, if he had any quesitons, whilst I might not know the answer, we could look at it together.

    I wish my husband would be able to see that we all just want to help and realise what is happening to his life and ours. I know thats easy for me to say and its not how it works. Its just so frustrating to watch what he is doing and not be able to help.

  4. #44
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    If ever he wants, we have an under 18's area here which is heavily moderated...

    It must be so hard to have to deal with all of that from his son too.You really are stuck.
    Actually I'm sorry but him just being there when it suits him isn't fair on you, his son or your baby! Sod his feelings, do what's right for the 3 of you. If he continues to stick his head in the sand so be it. Why should he be able to come for 10 mins when he's getting no quality time at all with either child and they deserve better. Just my opinion.....
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

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