Page 1 of 57 1231151 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 570

Thread: GF/ExGF Deep depression and no idea what to do

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Birmingham, AL US
    Posts
    271

    Unhappy GF/ExGF Deep depression and no idea what to do

    Hello everyone,

    I am 53 years old and the woman I was dating is 50. We have known each other since high school though we were a few years apart. Over the past couple of years we got reacquainted on FB.

    We began talking. She had lived in Louisiana the last 30 years but was hunting a job in AL. She wanted to be closer to her mother who was getting older. So for the past year she would come in once a month for 3 days, go on job interviews (She's an Occupational Therapist) and we spent every available minute together. It was WONDERFUL. We had the perfect rapport, common interests, sense of humor, we talked about the future... Her mother loved me, it was quite honestly the happiest I had ever been in my life. We even talked about where we would like to get married. For that year we average over ten messages a day.

    Then the day arrived (and to show how corny in love we were, we had always talked about how one day the moon and stars would align. So the morning after the job offer, she took a picture of the full moon with stars below it and sent that to me to let me know she had a job) and we both were SO happy! The day before she moved she told me she listened to my voice on her voicemail. That she looked at my picture. And she told all of her friends in LA that she wasn't sure about the job, but her romantic life was never better!

    Then she got here. And everything changed. It was if a switch flipped. She hated her job. She was certain that people were making fun of her LA accent behind her back. She told me within the first week that she felt she had made the stupidest decision of her life. She hated herself. She hated AL, she hated her job, she went home every night and cried herself to her sleep. At first she told me just be patient with her. But then she began to withdraw from me. It didn't matter if I was romantic, funny, if I just took her hand and listened, she found something wrong with it. She became sullen and morose. She told me she didn't have time for a love life or romance, that it was all she could do to make it to work and home again. And I probably should have seen the signs of depression, but I thought it was just a temporary thing from the stress of the move. I tried to get her to go out and eat during the week but she always said she was too tired. Occasionally she would text me and say, "Lets go see this movie" or "Can we eat here tonight?" And we would go out. Most of the time you could see that she wasn't feeling well and whenever I tried to get her to talk, she would repeat the same things about hating herself, etc. and sometimes she would cry. All I could do was take her hand and she would squeeze it SO hard but not say anything else. Seeing her sad like that just broke my heart...

    Then one day in December she sent a message that said, She needed to take time to rest.

    Since then I have heard very little. I have kept in touch on my end, and possibly I pushed things a little not realizing that what I was dealing with. But now that I look back over our conversations for the past year, there were little signs. Like once she told me that sometimes she just has to 'go away' for a few days and gather herself when things get too stressful. Another time she joked about putting me in 'boyfriend timeout' because she didn't talk to me for a couple of days after an intense week of work in which a patient of hers decided to try and walk and without warning, stood and fell.

    I sent her and her mother Valentines gifts and she did answer that. SHe has occasionally liked something I put on FB. But it's been 3 months since anything and I have tried to giver her her space but it's killing me inside.

    I'm not sure what to do. I love this woman with all of my heart. But she has estranged herself from me. I still reach out every now and then and send a text that says thinking about you, hope you are OK. No response. But she hasn't unfriended me on FB - there's nothing like a leave me alone forever indication. She's just... faded away.

    It has broken me up.

    I still have Christmas gifts for her and her mother, and I was thinking that I may send those to her, with a handwritten letter reminding her how much we love each other and if she needs anything to let me know. That I'm not expecting a response but I hope she finds something in her gifts that makes her smile and let's her know how often I think of her. And to please contact me when she feels better.

    I honestly don't know what else to do.

    I'm hoping that some of you may be able to enlighten me on what you would want a bf/gf (apparently former BF right now) do to make you feel safe and loved. Or if anyone has had a similar experience.

    I hope this made sense... thank you for any responses.

  2. #2
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    62,171
    Hi and welcome to DWD. Have you told her what you have told us? Has she seen her Dr? I know that things are very different in the US than they are here in the UK, so we may suggest things that aren't options for you etc...
    Have you thought about printing that post or writing her a letter and posting it to her?
    Has she seen a counsellor or therapist at all? What about a psych?
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Birmingham, AL US
    Posts
    271
    Thank you for replying Suzi,

    I have told her. I play guitar and even said (in what I thought was a humorous and thoughtful way) that it seemed like when she arrived here, one of her strings just got a little out of tune. I have told her that I love her, that I miss her, that I wish she would let me help in some way. I downplayed the part about my hurt feelings because she seemed to be in so much pain. I honestly don't know if she has seen a Dr or a therapist. She hasn't spoken to me other than a couple of short sentences since the last of December. I have written her several letters over the months (and this will probably make me tear up, but she said that she wishes she could print out my 'love-notes' to her and put them in a book) and I don't know if she even reads them. That's why I was thinking about sending her the Christmas gifts with a handwritten letter inside.

  4. #4
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    62,171
    I don't think you have anything to lose by doing that... What about printing out some of your messages to her and creating a book? Something small enough she could keep it in a handbag or something?
    Have you seen the brilliant www.time-to-change.org site? There are loads of ideas of how to start some of the difficult conversations. I know that in the US you have the ridiculous cost of healthcare, that could be something that she's worried about - I know loads of people who do worry about that...
    I think that if you are sure that you want to make this work then the best thing you can do is to keep talking to her, to us, to anyone around you - make sure you have your own support system in place as I've lived with my husband and depression for 17 years now and it's not always easy...
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Birmingham, AL US
    Posts
    271
    Thanks for replying again. I don't have anyone else to turn to that understands depression. My friends that I have talked to tell me you don't deserve that treatment, find someone that SHOWS they love you, or they tell me that it's all up to her so I should sit down and be quiet and take care of my self while waiting on her. It's difficult to make me people understand that you know this isn't her and you want to be supportive and you have faith in her even if she doesn't have it in herself. And yes, I may get hurt quite badly, but how can you do less for someone that you love?

    I know the Health insurance isn't an issue. She is an Occupational Therapist and has exceptional insurance.

    I am SO sure that I want this to work, Suzi!! As I said, we are both in our fifties, I certainly know the difference between puppy love, infatuation, lust and love. I truly love this woman and I know that she loves me. I'm just not sure if the depressed woman inside her KNOWS she loves me, if that makes sense at all.

    I suppose I could print out a few of those messages and put them with the Christmas gifts? Honestly I was afraid that if I did that, she might take it as a form of pressure from me. And, too, I haven't been able to look at any pictures that we sent back and forth or read any of the messages because it just hurts so damn bad. But then again, it's been 3 months with hardly a peep out of her, so I may not have much left to lose.....

  6. #6
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Jane Austen country
    Posts
    33,117
    Suzi's right, you don't really have anything to lose. I'm sorry this has worked out so differently from your hopes. Please, please remember that it's just as important to take care of yourself in all this.

    Welcome to DWD
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Birmingham, AL US
    Posts
    271
    Thank you, Paula

    I don't know either you or Suzi but I thank you SO MUCH for understanding. Honestly, I probably could use some therapy in dealing with it. It was so out of the blue, and I was SO sure about her. And she made me FEEL so sure... Everything was so easy and wonderful *sigh* My co-worker who is a friend but not a close friend (and has no stake in whether I am happy or sad) told me that she has known me for 30 years, and has seen me through deaths in my family, divorce and a couple of other relationships that went nowhere and she has never seen me like this. She said she didn't think I would ever have another close relationship because if this doesn't work out, I will always be waiting. When she said that it kinda shocked me. But it rang true.

    Anyway, you're both right, I don't have anything to lose. I guess better to go out with a bang than a whimper.

    I really don't have much left to lose. And it kills me inside to even write that.

  8. #8
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    62,171
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Birmingham, AL US
    Posts
    271
    Thank you, Suzi. I need all of the kindness and hearts I can get.

    Do you think I should just send the gifts with a short note saying something like, I hope at least some of these makes you smile. I really would like to see you again, but if you don't respond, I understand?

    Or do you think it would be OK to say something like, We were so amazing together and that's why I put the love notes in here, so in case things have gotten too cloudy, or too distanced, you can see how much we cared for each other and we are certainly worth another shot?

    I sort of feel like how I phrase things might be the difference in her acceptance or rejecting of continuing our relationship And I know that it sometimes takes a long time to return to the person you were before the major depression event, and from what I've read I shouldn't be surprised if I hear from her when I least expect it regardless of how much time has passed. But I also shouldn't be surprised if I don't hear from her at all.

    God, I'm a mess.... lol Thank you for listening to me go on and on. I'm just so afraid that she might be gone completely because of circumstances that neither of us had control over, and that just seems so... wrong to me...

  10. #10
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    62,171
    Maybe you should write what's in your heart?

    You don't sound like a mess to me, just someone who cares very much for someone else...
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •