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Thread: Jokes and one liners part deux

  1. #151
    I've just started reading a really good book on the history of Superglue ……. I can't put it down

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  3. #152
    Knight of Spamswotting by Highest order of Chufty Badges Jarre's Avatar
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    Feb 2012
    Derby, UK
    A few one liners from teh great Stephen Wright...

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

    I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

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  5. #153
    woman walks in to a vet with a goldfish.

    she goes up to the vet and says, I believe my goldfish is epileptic.

    so the vet looks at the fish and replies, hmm, it looks really calm to me
    woman replies well, yes, maybe now, but watch what happens when I remove it from the bowl

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  7. #154
    I really hate them Russian dolls.
    They're so full of themselves.

    What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
    Outlaws are wanted.
    I sat next to my doppelganger on a plane.
    I was beside myself.

    They look at me and think I'm cool, I'm purplefan at night I rule.

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  9. #155


    These are some of the best I have written. Hope they make you laugh.

    Iíll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didnít start to hate me until we were in high school.

    If itís any consolation to you, my sisters treat my mother like crap, so youíre not the only mother whoís a bitch.

    I want to change jobs, but Iím trapped by the golden handcuffs. It will take at least 6 months for my urine to test clean.

    I feel sorry for wild animals because itís like theyíre always camping without beer.

    Iím going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid youíre going to eat her.

    Why did the bullied kid just want to live in his own virtual world? Heíd rather be an e-scapegoat.

    When I told my baseball coach that my 100-year-old grandmother was watching the game, and it would make her life if she could see me playing in it, he put her in and made me stand, and not sit, on the bench waving so she would.

    My poor traits donít do me justice and have painted an unflattering picture of me.

    Why did I feel like I was ripped off when I ordered a filet of catfish? My friend paid the same price and got 9 filets of sole.

    What did the gnome make his clone into? Its elf.

    I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yelling ĎIím here. Iím over here.í, in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasnít lost, at all, so I called off the search.

    Bright Spot Alert! I connected all the dots in my life and when I looked at the whole picture I ended up with the pony I always wanted but never got.

    If I need a taxi to get home, I go into the nearest pizza place and order one delivery to my home for a ride there if they want my business and tell them I wonít be able to order one from home if I have to spend the money to get there.

    I hate it when I buy jeans with a metal-buttoned fly because the only thing quick about them is how fast they rust.

    I used to be a cat burglar, but the vet bills were killing me.

    I used to eat breath mints that gave me such bad gas that they doubled as room air fresheners, too.

    I didnít know what to think when my drug dealer went legit, and I couldnít stop buying vacuum cleaners off him, after that.

    Why are eye glasses called spectacles? Because they really are something to see.

    If I live to a notable age and the reporters ask me what the secret is to my longevity, I will tell them that I killed and assumed the identity of someone 20 years older than me years ago.

    How do I know I feel alienated on this planet and always have? When I walked in on my mother in the nude, once, I automatically raised my finger, lit up and started saying ĎHoooome.í.

    I got sick of telling everyone my two cats were Siamese so I renamed them Changandeng and Lucky.

    Thereís nothing more hypocritical to me than being stopped at the door of someone whoís invited me over and wanting the guest towels back when Iím leaving.

    I find it hard calling strangers strangers because they arenít more strange than the people I know.

    I joined the school cross country team, and by the time I finished the first race my whole team had graduated by the time I got back from the border.

    I wore a gold wedding band out tonight to see if itís true that people only want what other people have, and it is. It was gone by the time I got home.

    You know youíre very old when no one can even be bothered grooming you before youíre going out because you have to be there today.

    My generation wrecked everything, not being responsible, so you can only blame the generation before it, for letting it happen.

    Itís been so long since my parents gave me a pat on the back that if it happened, now, I would think Iíd just burp.

    It totally offends me when Iím watching TV, and theyíre bleeping someone, because I have a filthier imagination than most people have mouths.

    I know travelling isnít for me because someone always even breaks into my house every time I watch a travel show on TV and steals my luggage.

    I felt vindicated when I blamed my man boobs, that people were constantly teasing me about, on eating meat being treated with hormones when they had to admit that all four of them did look like udders to them.

    I think it was the egg that confused me because when I was born I chirped.

    I used to blame being left-handed on looking awkward at doing everything but, you know, I look just as awkward in the mirror as a right-hander, so I guess, either way, it didnít matter.

    Being dyslexic has its ups and downs. It was embarassing when I wanted a drink and walked into a bra, but not as embarassing as when I go to one with others and order a glass of milk there, too.

    Now that everything in this world is a trigger to me, every time I see a picture of planet Earth I see a gun in space.

  10. #156
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Jane Austen country
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

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  12. #157
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Surrey. UK
    That made H and I laugh this morning!
    Wibble, wobble, jelly on a plate...

  13. #158
    why did addelle cross the road

    to say hello from the other side

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  15. #159
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Jane Austen country
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  16. #160
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Surrey. UK
    Wibble, wobble, jelly on a plate...

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