Page 13 of 15 FirstFirst ... 31112131415 LastLast
Results 121 to 130 of 148

Thread: Jokes and one liners part deux

  1. #121
    Quote Originally Posted by Stella180 View Post
    What do you give to the man who has everything for Christmas?

    Penicillin
    best laugh today.

    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

  2. #122
    I really hate them Russian dolls. There so full of themselves.

    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

  3. #123
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
    her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
    listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
    sorry, your pet has passed away."
    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
    Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
    "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
    testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
    few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
    legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
    from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
    his head.
    The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
    with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
    the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
    its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down
    and strolled out of the room.
    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
    is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
    produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
    "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
    The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
    would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, well
    it all adds up."

    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to purplefan For This Useful Post:

    OldMike (05-01-17)

  5. #124
    An old one from school:

    Don't you think it's cruel to stick pins in spiders?..well of course!
    Well why isn't it cruel to sew buttons on flies??

    I'm going now....

  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Flo For This Useful Post:

    OldMike (05-01-17),purplefan (02-01-17)

  7. #125
    An inflatable boy named Billy goes to his inflatable school to take his exam. He sits at his inflatable desk. He hadn't revised and on looking at his inflatable exam paper, he realising he could not do it he jumped up from his inflatable chair and ran towards the exit. The inflatable teacher yelled at him "Go to the inflatable headmasters office .. NOW!" "No !! I won't !!" yelled the inflatable boy and plunged his pencil into the inflatable teaches arm. He ran out of the inflatable school, plunging his pencil into the inflatable school. He ran down the inflatable road to his inflatable home and into his inflatable bedroom. Feeling so much remorse for his actions he picked up the pencil and pieced his inflatable arm. Hours later he awoke to find himself at the inflatable hospital. He opened his eyes and in the bed next to him was his inflatable teacher sitting up in bed, the teacher turned to him and said .......... "Billy.....You've let me down, You've let the school down .. But most of all ... You've let yourself down.

    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to purplefan For This Useful Post:

    OldMike (05-01-17)

  9. #126
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Surrey. UK
    Posts
    65,731
    OMG That was not only terrible, but I think my boys are still groaning and I can't breathe for laughing at them! Thank you so much!
    “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
    - Jon Kabat-Zinn

  10. #127
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Jane Austen country
    Posts
    35,067
    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
    "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
    "What are my choices?" the man asked.
    "Yes or no," she replied.

    A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
    The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

    The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
    "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
    The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
    "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
    A smart-d teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

    "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
    I believe if you wear enough pretty lipstick, sparkly jewellery and great shoes, no one will notice the size of your ass

  11. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Paula For This Useful Post:

    magie06 (05-01-17),OldMike (05-01-17),purplefan (05-01-17),Suzi (05-01-17)

  12. #128
    A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her man looking troubled and waving a gun around.
    Oh my baby what are you doing with that gun she askes?
    Where the man looks and comes to his senses.
    I was hunting decepticons he said.
    The woman says: there are no decepticons baby its all in the movies.
    The man starts laughing about it. The women laughs about it. The toaster laughs about it.
    Then the man shoots the toaster.

  13. #129
    A man goes to the doctors, because he is not well. Doctor tells him to say "Ahhhh"! "Why"? asks the man. Because my cat died today said the doctor.

    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

  14. #130
    "I say i say i say!; My dog has no nose"

    "Really! How dose he smell"?

    "Terrible".


    I see a woman in the nightWith a baby in her hand Under an old street light Near a garbage can. Now she puts the kid away,
    and she's gone to get a hit She hates her life,
    and what she's done to it. There's one more kid that will never go to school Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •