Jokes and one liners

[amaeru]

Smart alec

[purplefan]

I phoned up my gym today and said:
"Could you teach me the splits"?
The guy on the phone said: "How flexible are you"?
I said: "I cant make Tuesday's".

[purplefan]

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

[purplefan]

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

[purplefan]

when i was a little lad my mother told me one day.
She said: "son, if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything you want, the sky is the limit".

I was so up set, as i want to be an astronaut.

[knowlesy]

He he

[amaeru]

A few more funnies......
******************

Annual Check-up - LADY'S YEARLY EXAM


I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"60 kilos," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 87.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"168cm," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 158.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a cow!


*************

Guy goes to the Dr

and says "I cnat siht!"

The Dr says "it seems you're having problems with vowel movements"

**********

The daily groan

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now, he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and asks:

"What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant.....

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

**********

When I say I'm broke, I'm broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove
All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[amaeru]

Lost guitarist

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to ...play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the undertaker's wagon was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[amaeru]

News Item

Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well.

'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'

******

The Chicken Gun

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.


NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken."

**********

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...

And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.'

'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the bl*ody skippin!'

****

Thank you and good night

[knowlesy]