Jokes and one liners

[sidiam]

Yo mama is so grouchy that the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

take care Sxx

[purplefan]

Shocking news today.
Police have arrested two youths: One for drinking battery fluid and another for eating a fire work.
They charged one and let the other off.

[sidiam]

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck

What is green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog


3 men find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. They are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.
They're Carols he said and he got in...


John and his wife Mary go away to Russia for Christmas and meet up with a local lad named Rudolf.
One day they are sitting outside a cafe and John says "how lovely, it's starting to snow"
Rudolf corrects him and says "no John that's rain".
John insists it's starting to snow and Rudolf insists it's rain.
Mary turns to John and backs Rudolf up by saying.....
"Rudolf the red knows rain dear"

I think I've already sent the last one..not to worry
Sxx

[purplefan]

All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration.
I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph.

[sidiam]

Either you have been at the eggnog or you are getting your knickers in a twist because you think the Queen is coming to visit..
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR the wind is blowing him along, if you were here you could probably swim at 96.56 kph. the rain and wind are really awful,
have a nice evening everyone
take care
Sxx

[AjaxKM]

Had a metal detector for crimbo, just dug down 15 feet then realised I was wearing my steel toe capped boots !!!!!!

[sidiam]

Sometimes we need to laugh!

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongueis out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone like that laughs at it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. .
Laugh and then laugh again and sing It's a Beautiful DAY!! Even when it's not

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

take care
Sxx

[Zeppelin]

OK, I'll admit it, I stuck my tongue out to see if I could breath with it out. At least now I know for sure I can!

[Pen]

For those of us who don't feel as young as we used to here is a helpful guide…
The Seniors Texting Code
ATD: At the doctors
BFF: Best friend fell
BTW: Bring the wheelchair
BYOT: Bring your own teeth
FWIW: Forgot where I was
GGPBL: Gotta go pacemaker battery low
GHA: Got heartburn again
IMHO: Is my hearing-aid on
LMDO: Laughing my dentures out
OMSG: On my massage recliner
OMSG: Oh my! Sorry gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL: Talk to you louder.

[amaeru]