Time Passing By and Fear of Failure *Triggers*

[selena]

Oh honey

I have PCOS too, I've tried for years to lose weight and saw so little results that I gave up. I hate myself and how I look. I have hair growing where I don't want it to grow, periods once every blue moon, androgenic alopecia due to it and I need to lose half my body weight. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I'm disgusted by what I see. All we can do is stick with the treatment and work hard as there is hope out there for us

Thank you for your words. When I've read about your PCOS experience, I was nearly crying, because many people judge PCOS women without even knowing anything about their struggle.

My father who I met again after many years and who did nothing for me commented on my issues like it was a joke, and not illness.

And I also can't look in the mirror without getting anxious. Maybe I exaggerate, but there is still a great problem. Anyway I hope to find the right man who will be caring and understand my issues.

[Paula]

you are lucky Paula for having found the right person. Others are not so lucky ; (

Mitz, yes I'm lucky I've got a wonderful husband, but it took a lot of trauma to get there - a difficult first marriage, husband leaving me when our baby was 6 months old for a younger woman. So, yes, my hubby is amazing, but that doesn't mean I haven't struggled - I just had no opportunity but to get through that period in my life and get to the point where I could move on

[selena]

Yesterday I went out after 3 months hidding in house. I know that's crazy but due to my issues I cannot have made this step for a long time. I've been anxious and excited, my emotions are over my forces.

Today I've gone to the recruitment agency, tomorrow I'll discuss with some employeers. But my God, because of my issues I make effort to look into people's eyes and can't communicate properly face-to-face. Everything is easier to express in written form, and I've lost this live communication with people. I'm too afaraid, shy and anxious and this could be a barrier. I remember one of my employeers asked me why I never look straight in eyes, with this step I break any contact with others.

I'm nervous. However I'm prepared for being gotten down, the most important is that I've begun searching.

Because of my mood swings I'm facing health troubles:nodule in throat, nausea, toothache, headache, my hands get wet and I constantly move my fingers until it hurts. I'm obsessed with some thoughts, like that I'm awful, useless, fat and should have plastic surgery, panick attack is something usual.

The struggle is not easy, but I want to give it a try.

And to register on a dating site, but I won't run after guys.

[selena]

On the good note, I'm happy that I have a little clawed and plush friend, that I adopted some years ago.

[mitz]

your cat is beautiful: well done for you going out and facing the job agencies, that's not easy at all.
hopefully the more you go out the easier it will get. All the horrible thoughts aren't true.

[rose]

It's really amazing that you went out and did all that! Well done!!!!

[mitz]

Mitz, yes I'm lucky I've got a wonderful husband, but it took a lot of trauma to get there - a difficult first marriage, husband leaving me when our baby was 6 months old for a younger woman. So, yes, my hubby is amazing, but that doesn't mean I haven't struggled - I just had no opportunity but to get through that period in my life and get to the point where I could move on

I wasn't suggesting you don't/havent struggled Paula!

[Suzi]

Well done Selena!

[selena]

So, this day was full of impressions and strong emotions ....and I've got the job.

Prior to the job interview I've been so anxious that I barely slept the night before.

I was a little late and first got to the wrong building. But I overcame my shyness and was able to answer employeer's questions. She offered me a full-time vacant job, saying that part-time employeers won't be offered all the necessary social package. I told about my previous job story, affiliated experience and asked about some working moments. The first week will be like a special training, and after having worked successfully for around a month I would have my contract definitely signed.

My exact job is office manager and translator, working 5 days from 9 am to 5 pm, and a short work day on Saturday. She appreciated my knowledge of languages and said that it would be anyway a good experience for me. Thus I could pass in a year special exam to become certified court interpreter.

She seemed easy-going, but I do have my fears, I just couldn't refuse this offer, I've thought I could give it a try, although it will be difficult. I told her that manager part could distract me from basic job of translator, she says she understands the issue. In the process of working I will learn how to communicate with clients and work with specific office equipment.

When I handed her a copy of my ID ( dating from 2012), she asked me: " Is that you? You used to be overweight, you seem to have lost a lot of it". She is overweight too and when she said this, I was really astonished, because I consider myself fat and useless.

The director signed document stating my period of trial.

I still can't believe it, but I've got the job, I still have fears and want to hide in house. I'm afraid that I'll be considered useless and get exausted.

She said she prefers workers on long-term basis. I did not say about my plans of moving in another country, because now it's irrelevant and I should gain more.

I've had a long walk on my way home along the park. I'm again out after staying home for three months.

Meanwhile I want to register on a dating site, just to get friendly discussions at the beginning.

[rose]

This has got to be the post of the week Selena.
You got the job, you were complimented on how much weight you have lost (a really big deal for you), and you are facing fears about working. You were offered the job on the spot which is fantastic!
I think getting that court interpreter certification would be great too, that's a nice bonus!

I am encouraged to hear about your fears. I hope you don't mind me saying that, but I too am really fearful about starting work again. Nerves are natural, but this goes beyond nerves. That nagging voice that says you won't be good enough. I suppose the only way to fight the demons is to face them head-on. Good for you!