Time Passing By and Fear of Failure *Triggers*

[Paula]

What's the new job?

[selena]

What's the new job?

I hope to begin with something easier because of my health problems.

That's call centre or part-time translation job.

[selena]

Yesterday I had another breakdown and got into hysterics. What was the cause? I saw my old photos when I was healthy and started thinking of how I am horrible now. Of course it's only put me down and I was on the edge, wanting just to cry and vanish. I still can't feel calm while looking in the mirror. The other day I stopped and asked my mother to hide these photos, because they're a trigger for me and I'm trying to move on.

Another bad news was about the death of an ex-neighbour who was really a kind woman of good heart, I'm so sorry for her...

[Paula]

I understand that about photos, but you're not horrible now. Because you're a beautiful person and that will shine through

[Suzi]

You aren't horrible at all lovely lady x

[selena]

I've had panic attack and experienced a bad anxiety mood. When I'm facing these moods, I'm feeling desperate and just want to vanish from this earth.

I'm trying to find job, but here is difficult to find free-lance job, so it's basically the office option or nearly. I'm feeling awfully because I don't want to live on my family' s money ( like the last three months).

I hate everything around me ( not exactly about people, just this atmosphere around). It's so difficult, I want to move on but before taking this step I should earn some more money.

Another thing - it's probably stupid what I'm gonna say, I know I have PCOS and I'm overweight. My things have however got better, and probably because I'm alone I just want to make some friendships. I know I'll be laughed by these men, but want to try.

Ok, but what normal man would want a rather young woman with 38 inches waist?

I could hide some embarassing moments, but he will see it. Apparently people say that my face is pretty and I have nice eyes. And my legs are rather normal. I could register on dating site, ok I'm ready for being rejected, but if not he will anyway see what I am and? Or should I wait before I lose more weight? But I've been exercising this year and being on a diet, and my doc says that the process of slimming is slowly and could take an unknown period of time because of hormonal level and thyroid. What would you advise me to do in this case?

I'm registered on some pcos online groups and I've come across a photo of a woman who is young and extremely overweight in comparison with me and, my God, she dates a man, and not bad-looking. My first thought was:' he is probably insane or wants something from her'. Ok, but maybe I also have a chance. My God, what to do?

I apologise for writing a lot of my interior disaster, but I cannot hide this into me anymore.

[rose]

Re the job, why not explore full-time office jobs and ask at interview about the possibility of working at home sometimes? That might give you more of a feeling of being freelance. Full-time should offer benefits such as sick leave, pension etc which is actually better in the long-run.

Re relationships, why not get on a dating site. If you fear rejection, let the boys come to you. Or you could look for a speed dating night, perhaps a friend would go with you? I am sure you are not as overweight as you think you are, and there are guys out there who care for more than just a woman's weight. Do some simple things to make yourself good; perhaps get a hair cut, do your nails, look about online for some new clothes (some websites are very cheap). I am overweight but I was shocked when I got chatted up at a party a couple of weeks ago, I think perhaps the issues with my weight are more my own perception that other people's.

[selena]

Thank you rose for your kind words and encouragement.

Many employers don't like to offer part-time job to people who do not have children, but I will try.

[Paula]

Rose is right. And wrt part time jobs, employers are looking for someone who can do the job, whether they have children or not is irrelevant

And, both of you, yes I suspect your perceptions about your weight are just that - yours, not other people's. I'm overweight but only yesterday got told I'm glamorous by a woman who was assessing me for a voluntary job.

[selena]

Thank you, whilst being out of job for a while gives idea that I'm useless, depressed creature without any normal skills and strong will. And it's so hard to go forward.