I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
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I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Call that a joke it totally sucks.
Mohamed Ali was seated on the plane waiting for take off. The stewardess asked him to fasten his safety belt. Ali looked at the stewardess with a twinkle in his eye and said "Superman don't need no safety belt" "Sir" replied the stewardess,"Superman don`t need no plane"
I was in the library the other day and i found a piece of cloth in a book. I though: "that's a turn up for the books"
When i die, I want to go like my father, Peacefully in his sleep. Not like his passengers Screaming and shouting.
"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
A man goes to the doctors with a sore bottom. The Doctor asks him to bend down so h can have a look. The man says: "Can you see anything doctor"? The doctor replies "Yes i can, you have a bit of lettuce stuck up your arse"
The man is shocked and says:" What can you do to help me"? The doctor said: "I'm afraid its just the tip of the iceberg".
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.
Gutted the wife has left me!
She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too.
No woman no Sky
Garry Glitter, Stuart hall and Rolf Harris walk into a bar in Ireland and the barman says.
Not yew tree again!
How many Germans dose it take to change a light bulb?
1. There very efficient, but not very funny.
I read in the news that someone in London gets stabbed 25 times every second. Poor guy.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers,
A man goes to the doc and says, Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. Th doc said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' He asked. 'It's not unusual' the doc replied.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Someone stole my mood ring today. I don't know how i feel about that.
"I say i say i say."
'Are your relatives in business?'
'Yes - in the iron and steel business'
'Oh, indeed?'
'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals'
"I say, i say, i say"
'If I had a rabbit in a hutch, and I bought another rabbit, how many rabbits would I have?'
'Why, two, of course' 'No, ten'
'You don't know your arithmetic'
'You don't know my rabbits'
I put an accumulator bet on 3 horses today called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times but they all lost. I blame it on the Bookie.
I say, i say, i say.
I just cleaned the attic with the wife yesterday.
Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs. Still she is good with the kids.
How many ears dose Captain Kirk have?
3.
right ear; left ear and his final front ear.
How many ears dose Davy Crockett have?
3.
Right ear; left ear and a wild front ear.
Van Gogh is sitting in a pub having a drink and his mate comes in.
"All right"? He says to van Gogh, would you like a drink"?
"No thank you" replies Van, "Ive got one ear.
Why can't you get Aspirin in the jungle?
**Cos the parrots eat em all**...(Paracetamol??...no??...oh alright then!)
Why do African Elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wont pay the ransom.
A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a goldfish.
"Would you like an aquarium"?
The man says: "I don't care what star sign it is"
I'll get my coat.
A woman and man are snogging each other and the woman says :"Tell me something dirty"
And the man says: "your kitchen"!
Tee Hee!!!!(rofl)
Nice one Purple. (rofl)
Two goats are in a lane in Hollywood and they are munching on an old bit of film. One goat turns to the other and said "what did you think of that film"? The othr goat replied "it was okay, but i preferred the book"!
Woman goes to the doctors, she is really up set, so the doctor calms he asks her what the problem is.
The woman replies; "Doctor i cant stop stealing things, it is getting out of hand. Today is stole three rolls; a book from the book shop, and a DVD recorder from marks. I'm at my whits end, please help me"!.
The doctor takes her had and says: "Dont worry mrs smith, just you take three of these tablets everyday for a week"
Mrs. Smith shakes her head and says:" But what if they don't work"? The doctor replies:"Well, could you gt me a 54 inch TV then please".
The couple who were snogging in my previous joke have now taken matters a step further and they are now on the kitchen table. The woman is getting right into the swing of things and the old bloke is grunting and puffing along. The woman suddenly says:" YES, BABY, YES! "HURT ME HURT ME".
SO the bloke says: "Your dog has just died".
I know... I'll get my coat. (bow)
"I heard a rumor that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."