Having a really tough time suicidal thoughts *TRIG

Hi, I'm having the worst time of my life atm, the last 4 months have been hell, I suffer with anxiety and depression, my GP changed my antidepressants 4 months ago, they didn't agree with me, I'm now under the home treatment team and their doctor, he changed me to another antidepressant that's been working fine with diazepam, I even managed to ween myself off the diazepam, but this week I could feel this funny build up in my chest and haven't stopped crying for 3 days solid, it's got to the point I just want to die,I've been on the phone treatment team this morning after they visited me yesterday, told them how I was feeling, their advice was go back to bed, I also phoned Samaritans because I'm at my wit's end, I also do a lot of guided meditation, I feel so down, I've got no energy to do nothing, I'm losing weight , I have myself, I feel like a burden on everyone, I feel so guilty please can someone help me, I just want to be able to talk to someone that's gone through this and come out the other side, all I keep thinking off is wanting to join my dad and brother in heaven, please someone help me xxx

It's lovely to welcome you to DWD. No matter what you are going through, there is a better way. I've just had my last crisis from Christmas till Easter and it was hell. Yes, I wanted to die, I couldn't see a way out. To top it all, my psychiatrist changed my antidepressants in the middle of it! But, and yes it's a big but, believe it or not, I came through it and I think you can too.
Coming off one med and changing to another can and does take up to 8 weeks. It seems like a lifetime, when you are going through it, but it is worth it.
You are doing all the right things, staying in contact with your mental health team is a very important step. Well done on contacting them today. They will probably be in contact again over the rest of the weekend, just to make sure that you are okay. They aren't being nosey, they are just making sure you are doing okay. Can you see your psychiatrist again soon? If you can't face telling them how you are really few, show them your post. They shouldn't be surprised. People have been doing it for ages.
Please stick with it. It does get better. I've been through it and come out the other side quite a few times now.

Thank you magie for you reply, I've just heard back from the home treatment team, they are coming to see me tomorrow morning. I told them I want a appointment with their doctor next week, I was on a waiting list for intense CBT but because I'm now under the home treatment team they have took me off the waiting list, I really need some sort of therapy they can't leave me like this, I'm really struggling, I just hope they take me seriously because they discharged me 3 weeks ago and I was in a state, not as bad as I am now, I phoned another organisation called haabit and they got straight back on to the home treatment team and told them they have a duty of care to me so they took me back on. I really need to talk to someone I just wish they can see this XX

Stick with it. It's so horrible when you are in crisis and it seems that no one is listening. The same thing has happened to me at Christmas. I really felt that no one was listening. Eventually they wanted me to go to hospital, but only after I had self-harmed for the first time. But this may not happen to you. Be as honest as you can with the care team and maybe tomorrow will be the day they listen. Try to sleep tonight, I know how difficult that can be! Good luck tomorrow.

Hi and welcome. One thing my counsellor told me in one of my last sessions with her is that I couldn't be treated by primary care and secondary care at the same time so I'm currently under the psychiatric nurse prescriber, I wonder if it's a similar reason why they've taken you off the CBT list. They may want you to be more stable before they start you with therapy as it can be incredibly tough on a good day, never mind when you're in crisis.

You can get through this lovely, I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but there is a way through, it's just not always visible when you're in the middle of it (panda)

I just feel so lonely, I just want someone to talk to someone who I don't know so I can really open up, I only have one brother in this country and he doesn't understand,. I don't want to tell my son and upset him, I feel like I'm goingto burst, I've tried talking to the Samaritan but they are good but don't really understand, I'm crying out for help,I feel so very sad and just don't want to live like this, I just want to be at peace, I'm so sorry if I making anyone feel down xx

This is your thread lovely, talk about what you need to. I added a trigger warning so if people think it will affect them they can avoid it.

Hi and welcome to DWD. Do you want to talk to us about why you are feeling as you are? What is it that you want to tell someone? Can we be your listeners while you're waiting?

Did you get any sleep? How are you feeling today? Did the home treatment team get in contact today?
I was thinking of you last night and wondering what I could say to make you feel better, but unfortunately, sometimes the best of intentions are heard the wrong way. Stick with it, talk all you need to here. Either we've been through it ourselves or we have a close family member who goes through it. Ask any questions you like, as many as you like. The more information we have, the better we are able to fight our demons.

How did it go today? I hope they're going to give you the help you need. I know how hard it can be, I've been where you are and I know how it feels, you can get through it though and we're always here to listen and support you whenever you need it, I really hope you are feeling better, you can do this!

How are you lovely?

Hi Hootytooty and welcome. It’s so tough when you’re in crisis - you don’t know what to do, who to talk to, where your treatment is going and just how long it’s going to be like this. But there is always a way through. Trust your doctors, lean on your family and friends as much as you need and talk to us here - speaking to people that have been there always helps. I’m so glad you found your way to us (bear)

I saw the home treatment team yesterday, it's a different person every time, she wasn't very understanding, she said why did I need antidepressants and why do I need diazepam, I told her I need someone professional to talk to, she said not until I'm stable, they were meant to take my blood pressure but over the weekend none of them did, she told me to go see my to, I just haven't got the strength to go out, I'm crying all the time,I don't want to sit in the surgery with people looking at me crying. I have just rung the doctors and got a appointment for 11.50 today, I'm so terrifed they are going to put me in hospital, my mum's in a care home and relies upon me to do her cooking because she don't like the meals, I feel so guilty hate myself I just don't want to be here no more, I'm so sorry everyone I don't want to make yous feel depressed xxx

That’s disgusting! You need those meds because you’re ill and for someone to say that when you’re in crisis is unforgivable. But well done for ringing the doctors, do you have someone who could go with you to the appointment?

Please, please, please make sure you tell your GP what this person has said! It's completely out of order and disgusting!

I'm so angry at what that person said to you. As someone who is supposed to be in the caring profession, that certainly wasn't professional of them. Oh I'm glad that you've made an appointment with your GP. Good luck and maybe bring your post from here with you. It's like a diary and your GP will be able to gauge your mood from it. Good luck today, and don't forget to let us know how you get on.:)

I find it absolutely horrendous that they think it's OK to treat you like that, I've been in that sort of situation (my doctor told me to just get over it) and it's such a blow to your confidence, it makes you question yourself and doubt yourself and feel so much worse than you already did, but trust me when I say that your feelings and what you're going through is very real and very valid and the help you need is out there, I have a new doctor now who is super understanding and supportive and it makes things so much easier. I hope it goes well with your gp today, be strong and keep your chin up, you are important, don't let them make you think otherwise (bear)

How are you doing, lovely?