What's happened?
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What's happened?
What makes you say that? You posted at 1:47 am were you up because you couldn't sleep or were out?
I was in floods of tears when I posted that. I don't feel in control of anythin, my head is too far gone to be repaired. I get no relief from my depression, it's persistent & I've been in a constant low state for years & years (which I assume is dysthmia & anhedonia). I feel like I'm alone in this battle ;(.. I'm 30 in July, still living with my mum with an intimidating brother in a smoke filled house. Imagine being a severe recluse all your life, how would that make you feel?. Because it's had a significant impact on my self esteem & confidence.
That's why I genuinely feel I can't be helped because there's layers upon layers to my insecurities. I appreciate you being blunt but any advice bounces off me because of my distorted (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed up headspace. Others have been just as blunt & are perplexed why nothin seem's to get through to me. I know other worriers who are like me that I can identify with. As a hypochondriac with debilitating depression my life has been straight hell. The loneliness is just the icing on the cake. I know "woe is me" right & others have it worse but those sentiments mean nothin to my mental state.
I'm not an alcoholic btw to be clear, 3-4 half lagers on the occassional drink meetup (once a month) is hardly alcoholic. There's other (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) as well that I'm dealin with like my jobcentre sanctioning me for an extra 200 days despite tellin me my sanction had finally ended after 2 years. I attended an interview yesterday to become a samaritan & told them about my persistent depression disorder. If they reject me then its obvious that it's a factor in their decision as they prob assume it'd be "trigggering" for me as you guys alluded to. I also handed in my documents to do youth work at Bolton Lads & Girls Club. I'm desperate for some routine to give me a purpose because this loneliness is all consuming as many users here can attest to :s...
The thing is, you seem to go round in circles. You come here saying about how nothing works and you want your life to be different but what do you do to change anything? Have you contacted the recovery college in your area? Have you contacted Mind and asked what help they can offer? Have you gone to Citizens advice about your sanctions like Paula (I think) suggested? Have you chased up more counselling? Or stress/anxiety courses? Or confidence building courses? Are you eating healthily? Are you exercising? Are you trying mindfulness/meditation? Hobbies? Have you spoken to your doctor? Maybe it's time to actually give medication a good go? It doesn't mean that you have to be on them forever, some people only need to be on them a little while. It's recommended to be on them 6 months after you feel better to reduce the risk of a relapse. Sometimes medication and counselling can make the world of difference.
Nothing will change if you do nothing to change it. Again, you're self-diagnosing. You're not a doctor. Go and speak to yours. If you want things to change then force yourself to actually try things. My first year at uni has been an uphill struggle at times because my head has been a mess. I started my first module while suicidal, self-harming, starting seeing a psychiatric nurse prescriber and undergoing a med change. But I knew I wanted a different future and so I pushed myself and forced myself to try. It's given me something to focus on, and something to concentrate on when I've needed to retreat from people.
If you really want to get better, you need to stop finding excuses to avoid trying new things. Well done on the interview and being honest, but if the Samaritans reject you, it will be because they don't think you're suitable for a listening role. Have you thought of doing qualifications to give you a better chance of getting into youth work? If you want things to change, you need to make a huge effort to change things. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true. I know that from experience.
And for the record, no one has ever said that you're an alcoholic, but alcohol is a depressant.
For the record, I'm 36 this year and still living with my parents. I have no friends locally, at all. Until I bumped into my partner again, I never went out. I haven't worked in years. I have been so ill that I had my spot on the river picked out. I've had to deal with an autoimmune disease diagnosis too. I get it, I really do. But only we can change things. Even if it's just faking it til you make it.
I see you thanked jaq for her post. Is it something you could try and implement? I too think its the right thing to do. I did it for myself. And things are changing for me now I hope. But you need to want to do it yourself. Just like jaq is doing and as I am trying.
If nothing changes it all stays the same.
I can't agree with Jaq strongly enough. TBH I don't know how many more ways I can say the same things. Yes that's harsh, but hunni you don't do anything to try to change anything. The only things you've done is join a meetup group (which is awesome) but you say that they are all older than you... I know you keep going to interviews, but honestly you need to work on getting you better first. There is a reason you aren't getting the jobs - not being horrible, but is it your interview technique? Lack of Qualifications? Applying for the wrong things?
Why not find the CAB number and call them tomorrow? Sort this sanction thing out? Then call Mind and see if there's a group you can go to, or if they have free counselling or a recovery college? All these things can be done maybe 1 a day?
I'm not saying jump up and change everything all at once, but if you genuinely want to get better then you are going to have to make a decision to change and sort it. Go to the Dr - if you don't like yours then find a new one....
Thanks for the advice, I do refer back to your posts to remind me what I need to do. Today I was booked on for training on the 11th, 15th & 18th July for youth work volunteering & I also got accepted for the samaritan role. I'm excited for the youth work role but not really about being a samaritan as I'm worried how I'd deal with a suicide in progress. But they've also booked me on for some training. I know that I won't be paid for any of this but it'll help to break up the week & give me some kind of routine as well as interaction.
I'm aware that I'm going round in circles, I guess this forum just gives me an outlet that I can turn to. I've been waiting a while for more counselling so I guess this forum serves as a therapy in a way. I know theres many others who can relate to me so my intention is also to help them by sharing my struggles. Today my controlling brother antagonized me for simply going straight to the garden upon coming downstairs. He was like "WHY ARE YOU GOING OUTSIDE FOR, THERES NO SMOKE IN HERE I THINK YOUR (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)IN AIR PURIFIER HAS GONE TO YOUR HEAD". He has this presence about him that has always made me very uncomfortable. The way he speaks it's always menacing. He belittles me because he knows of my confidence issues. As long as I'm in this house my mental health won't improve & it's not easy to simply up & move sticks (think)..
Well done for getting accepted with the Samaritans, that’s awesome
Well done for the volunteering. Did you call about the sanctions?
Well done!